Thursday, April 28, 2011

Media Ignoring Other Royal Wedding Of Kansas City Shortstop Alcides Escobar

Second Year Player To Finally Marry Longtime Girlfriend

Kansas City, MO (CHN) - After a 14 month engagement, Alcides Escobar is 'finally going through with it' according to friends and family of the young shortstop. But you would never know it from the international media; or so says Escobar's fiance Maria Fuentes, who met Alcides in a Venezuelan night club when the two were just 18 years old.

Alcides And Fuentes At Their Engagement Party In March of 2010
Still, despite the lack of attention, the wedding is still set for this Saturday at the Kansas City Hilton, most of the Royal Players are said to have been invited. Royals Manager Ned Yost believes that Escobar would be getting a lot more attention if he (Alcides) was hitting anywhere near the league average for shortstops or if his slugging percentage was "not a fucking joke".  

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook. Twitter. Home.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Toy Maker Wham-O Closes Brand Integration Deal With KY Jelly

'Yours and Mine' Slip'N Slide Expected To Be Summer Hit With Younger Demographic

Emeryville, CA -  McNEIL-PPC, Inc. closed a deal Monday that will integrate its full line of adult lubricants, climax enhancers, and vaginal moisturizes into the Wham-O product line.

"We have been trying to introduce our lubricants to young couples in new and exciting ways for the past few years," said president Monty Kilgour. "Wham-O was clearly the right deal at the right time. We are finding product synergies that continue to show that KY is not just for the relief of anal sex and or intercourse attempts by really old people; there are totally cool other uses".  

Wham-O, initially cold to the deal, opened up after receiving warm feedback from the nations P.E. Teachers and Catholic Priests.  Both groups are said to be in support of exercise and chafing prevention for youngsters.   

As of press time, Kilgour was unable to confirm that 'Just The Tip Fun Ball', 'Make It Clap Hoola-Hoop', and double packs of 'Slippery When Wet Hacky Sacks' were set for fall launches.  

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Blake Griffin Hires Agent; Declares For NBA Draft

Scouts Believe The First Year Power Forward Could Be A Top 5 Selection

Griffin Was Invited To Several NBA Sanctioned Events
Los Angeles (CHN) - Vinny Del Negro could only smile and shrug his shoulders Thursday morning after his star, 6' 10" Blake Griffin, officially announced that he would forgo his remaining contract and enter the 2011 NBA Draft.

"I think he's ready," said Del Negro who helped recruit the youngster from Oklahoma. "We have had NBA talent come through this franchise from time to time in the past but Blake is a cut above; I really think he can be successful at the next level," boasted Del Negro.

Griffin, who averaged a double double for the Clippers, says he's up for the challenge. "I'm excited, I mean, what can I say... everyone who has ever played for the Los Angeles Clippers has dreamed of playing in the NBA. For me, it's really happening - I am just going to go through the process and see where it takes me".

Scouts took notice of Griffin uncanny athleticism, size, and dunking ability; all unusual attributes for a Clipper Player of any age.

But critics remain. "We've seen it before," said former NBA Coach and 1992 Dream Team star Larry Bird. Bird continued, "Danny Manning, Bo Kimble, Michael Olowokandi... These guys all tried to jump from the Clippers to the NBA and it just never seems to happen. I would tell this Griffin kid to stay in school or go back to school and finish his contract; He may be the most talented Clipper of all time; but lets be realistic, this is the NBA".

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Obama, Desperate For Ratings Bump, Adopts Emmanuel Lewis

1986 Child Star Could Be Key To 2012 Campaign

Lewis, Left, Has Latched On Quickly
Washington DC (CHN) - The White House has a fresh new face and a revamped look heading into the early stages of the 2012 Presidential Election and it may be just in time as early polling suggests that the President is vulnerable in key swing states such as Florida, Ohio, Virginia, and Nevada.

Coincidence or not, those are all states that registered high ratings with ABC's 'Webster' during its original run from 1983 to 1987 and also later in syndication.

While the administration is playing down that connection, Obama's 2012 campaign manager Jim Messina was frank when asked about recent poll data from Rasmussen and Gallop, "We know that the election will be a tough fight and that we must have a grassroots mid 80's retro draw if we are going to have any chance of attracting the so-called 'Reagan Democrats' that are going to determine this race". 

Bo remains the President's favorite short/black play pal according to the Press Corps
"Malia and Sasha are not the same adorable pre-pubescent little girls that they were during the 2008 campaign," says John Zogby.  He argues that, "A twelve year old Emmanuel Lewis brings that innocence back in a major way; the type of innocence this campaign will need with 9% unemployment, hysteria over Obamacare, a full blown debt crisis, and ongoing trouble with Gaddafi in Libya".

Lewis, center, is hoping his 80's look will resonate with key demographics
"I think this Webster kid brings new energy to the team." boasted Vice President Joe Biden this Sunday on Meet the Press.  Biden, was then asked by David Gregory if his recent adoptions of Punky Brewster and Alf were appropriate while the nation was involved in two theaters of war and offering subordinate NATO support in North Africa.  

The Vice President snapped back, "Leave Punky out of this; Alf and I can handle the criticism; we always have.  And yes,  I do understand the natural synergies that M*A*S*H*, would bring, but trust me... We aren't going there". 

The Obama/Biden re-election team admits that it has unique challenges for 2012 and it may be of no help that the Republican field will take months to draw out a frontrunner.  That said, Rick Perry has been making major waves recently and reports that he is speaking with Tony Danza and a 13 year old Alyssa Milano will only add to the frustration for Obama's re-election team.

However, rumors that Emmanuel Lewis requested to breastfeed has only amplified the concerns of Michelle Obama that first surfaced after Lewis was found to be playing doctor with Malia on a regular basis.  Arrangements by Mrs. Obama to meet with the full cast of 'The Wonder Years' and 'Silver Spoons' for possible replacements ahead of the general election are being refuted by staffers.  Scott Baio, who recently lunched with Michelle Bachman and the surviving cast of 'The Facts of Life', believes that "with 16 months until election time; we  can pretty much play hardball with these candidates".

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Zydrunas Ilgauskas Keeps Tagging Lebron James In All Of His Facebook Pictures

Miami Heat Chemistry Questioned As NBA Playoffs Tip Off
James Quoted As Saying 'Stop That Shit Dawg!'

Ilgauskus Has 11,188 Lithuanian Likes On His Facebook Fan Page
Miami, FL (CHN) - With Udonis Haslem still on injured reserve, Center Zydrunas Ilgauskas is expected to continue playing key minutes in the Easter Conference Playoffs.

But rumors of infighting amongst the Heat players is raising concern that coach Erik Spoelstra has been unable to maintain social networking cohesion between his star players and super dorky players like Ilgauskas.

Ilgauskas, who transferred from Myspace to Facebook just a couple of weeks ago has gone through and tagged Lebron James on all of his photos.

Sources indicate that Lebron has systematically untagged himself and has blocked Zydrunas from viewing any of his status updates.  Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh still have not responded to Ilgauskas' friendship request saying that "they are never really on Facebook" and "Oh, I get so many requests; Ill try to find it". 

CHN would like to re-retract a previous story that D-Wade had requested that Eric Dampier stop messaging his hoes.  The statement has been re-denied by the Heat swingman twice and only re-confirmed by Dampier once as of presstime.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Lebron James Takes 20% Stake In U.S. Federal Reserve

Miami Heat Forward Promises 'Hard Look' At Gold Standard

Washington DC (CHN)- NBA star Lebron James closed a long discussed deal with the United States of America Friday morning just hours before his Miami Heat took the floor against the Charlotte Bobcats. Financial details of the agreement were not available at press time, however, sources confirm that this is the first large-scale merger between the Federal Government and an individual since the failed buyout offer for The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms by Gilbert Arenas in 2008.

Lebron James Discusses Rebounding From The Credit Crunch
Statistics indicate that James could be an inflation hawk causing traders on Wall Street to short treasuries after the initial announcement.  

However, "The situation is fluid," according to Heat point guard Mario Chalmers.  Chalmers indicated to ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews that the former Cavalier wanted distribution of quantitative easing to eventually expire, "but only after a stable balance was struck between QE2 and QE3, to sure up the Federal Reserve's offensive attack down the stretch".  

James first move was to direct Heat Power Forward Chris Bosh to oversee extending credit through the Reserve's Discount Window.  According to James, "Bosh is comfortable around the glass and makes smart decisions even when going against international powers such as Chinese star Yoa Ming".

Mr. James added much needed confidence to the transaction by guaranteeing that if he was busy, the 1992 Dream Team (minus Christian Laettner) would provide emergency overnight lending services to foreign and domestic banks. 

Rumors that the deal was swung after Ben Bernanke and the Board of Governors were treated to box seats and allowed to chill with D-Wade's hoes have been categorically denied by Fed Vice Chairman Janet Yellen.  However, Yellen did speculate as to James' rational in buying out 20% of the heavily criticized Federal Reserve; "I think that the ability to print money is a compelling case and that probably explains the 14 attempts by David Stern to close a deal with us".  

Monday, April 4, 2011

President Spams Millions of Americans In Possible Pyramid Scheme

CHN Has Attained The Following Email From Mr. Obama That Appeared In Millions of Americans Junk and In-boxes This Morning:

Subject: 2012

Today, we are filing papers to launch our 2012 campaign.

We're doing this now because the politics we believe in does not start with expensive TV ads or extravaganzas, but with you (Supporter 2,141,809) -- organizing block-by-block, talking to neighbors, co-workers, and friends. The sort of things that we hate to be approached about and invited to -- well, that's exactly what I want you to do. And that type of neighborhood by neighborhood conflict takes time to foment.

File Photo of Barack Obama Sending Email 
From The IRS Mainframe
So even though I'm focused on the job you elected me to do (and BTW I still plan to do some of that stuff I promised); the race may not reach full speed for a year or more. However, the work to lay the foundation or 'the base' for our 'campaign' must start today.

Based on your opening of past emails, I am making you my campaign manager for 2012. 

I need you to forge a new organization that we'll build together in cities and towns across the country. And I'll need you to help shape our plan as we create a campaign that's farther reaching (Libya) and more innovative (viral) than anything we've built before.

We'll start by doing something unprecedented: coordinating millions of one-on-one highly uncomfortable conversations between supporters across every single state except Mississippi, Alaska, Wyoming, Utah, Texas, and South Carolina.

This will be my final campaign for your money, however, as you know, the IRS is a federal office and your 2011 return will be carefully reviewed shortly.

Please know that the cause of making a lasting difference for our families, our communities, and our country has never been about one person; I also have a wife and kids. But my family will succeed only if we work together and if you are able to send me cash and convince others to do the same.

There will be much more to come as the race unfolds. Today, simply let me know you're in to help us begin, and then send me some cash (please do not write a check, if you do- please write it to 'Cash') and spread the word to your comrades. I will cut you in for 10% of each person that also sends cash and also hook you up with 3% for any cash sent in from anybody they refer. I promise to keep good records, so don't worry about your cut.

Thank you,
Paid for by Obama for America
Contributions or gifts to Obama for America are not tax deductible but trust me, they wont hurt.

CHN is brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. Please apply to dry mouth and remember that Pabst is habst when you are not drinking and driving.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Three Weeks After Tsunami; Fish Found Alive

Rescuers Took A Picture of The Survivor Just Prior To Capture
Japanese Rescue Team Defies All Odds With Discovery

Pacific Ocean (CHN) - One more survivor in Japan has been rescued. The Japanese Coast Guard on Friday rescued a fish swimming in the debris off the coast of Kesennuma, in Northern Japan. 

The Red Squirrel Fish, which was swimming near the roof of a submerged house that had  washed out to sea, was likely just moments from giving up.  It is believed that the youngster survived off of algae and Hi-Chew candy.

The rescue did not come easy. After coast guard operatives descended from a helicopter onto the house, the fish retreated to deeper water and disappeared. The rescuers were unable to lure the fish out with hot dog chunks and cat food.  Reports indicate that a scuba team tracked the fish to a depth of 125 meters before netting it and returning it safely to the surface.

One member of the scuba team claims to have witnessed a second fish near a sunken Toyota Land Cruiser.  However, attempts to locate that fish have been unsuccessful as of press time.

Other Japanese rescue teams have traveled even further from the Japanese Coast in hopes of finding survivors.  The rescue ship Yushin Maru (below) has been trolling through Antarctic waters and has reportedly found over 80 Minke Whales and safely brought them on board for processing.   
Above, A Whale Is Saved 18,000 Miles From Japanese Shore

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