Thursday, June 23, 2011

Boeing Closes Deal On 320 Unit Order With Radio Shack

Announcement Made Just After Airbus Confirmed A Record $72B In Orders At Paris Air Show

Radio Shack Has Requested That Boeing Either Leave 
The Models Generic Or Write The Word 'Airbus' On Them

Chicago (CHN)- Airbus executives are celebrating a record sales performance in Paris Thursday morning but that hasn't kept arch-rival Boeing from taking the lead in relatively untapped 'non-flying (budget based) model plane category'.

The deal with Radio Shack has already reached a preliminary agreement of 320 units at a cost of $12.00 each and could expand to  1,000 units over the next 10 years as cash strapped consumers look to buy non-flying model planes vs. the current higher cost flying models.

While the new Boeing models are not engineered for any sort of flying or gliding, Boeing CEO James McNerney believes that the models could be thrown anywhere from 10' to 15' for children ages 10 and up.

Airbus did not comment on any future plans to challenge Boeing in the segment; however a company spokesman did take a short break from the 36 hour company wide cocaine and prostitute party to mention "Oh shit, what's happening, what's happening around my body".

Boeing has firmly denied speculation that the units were just left over freebies from last years company pot luck and gunny sack race.

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Friday, June 17, 2011

Biden Embarks On 6 Month African Trip To Teach 'Pull Out Method'

Vice President To Focus Education On Young Virgins

File Photo: Biden Chats With Local Black Girls
Washington D.C. (CHN) - With unemployment and a sloughing economy putting a drag on the Obama re-election campaign, the White House announced today that VP Joe Biden will be leaving the country for an extended period of time to address 'serious concerns' with prophylactic shortages in Africa.  

Biden, a long time activist for AIDS prevention, has been studying unconventional birth control methods for years and plans to share all that he can according to staffers.  Upon his return, the Vice President hopes to embark on a nationwide middle-school tour where many of the same techniques could prove useful here at home.

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Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hillary Clinton Spending 4 Hours A Day Pressing Huma Abedin Firmly Into Her Bossom


Washington D.C. (CHN) - Just days after their return to Washington, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and aide Huma Abedin continue to spend copious amounts of time together.  Indications are that nearly all of that time is spent on the chase lounger in Clinton's State Department Office with the elder Secretary of State firmly embracing the newlywed Abedin.

It's been nearly 3 weeks since the sexting story of Abedin's husband, New York Congressman Anthony Wiener, broke; but there is still no official estimate on the longevity of Clinton's tender multi-hour twice daily caressing sessions.

Although many close to Abedin believe that she is well recovered and that she was previously aware that Weiner was a douche-bag; Clinton has blocked out most of her schedule indefinitely for the private one on one counseling and has remanded staff to ignore all calls from husband Bill should he ever call.  Un-named sources indicate that Clinton forces Abedin into the fetal position prior to carefully stroking her hair, shoulders, and hips - all the while repeating "There, there... There, there".

For his part, Bill Clinton has also made every effort to reach out to Abedin; no official meeting has been scheduled as of press time.

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