Saturday, December 19, 2009
by: Mike Briano, CHN Sports and Fitness, December18, 2009 7:30 AM EST.
Las Vegas: After nearly 3 weeks of speculation and a firestorm of rumors, Jamie Jungers has finally released a statement on her Myspace page regarding a possible relationship with golfer Tiger Woods. Ms. Jungers, hoping to keep her $8.85 per hour / 36 hours a week gig at the Binions Horseshoe Casino Buffet, asked for privacy and forgiveness:
"I'm sorry for doing slutty stuff with golfers, can I ask that everyone leave me be please and that whataver [sic] foreign bitch keeps calling me to stop calling bc I'm over the 300 minute limit on my cricket"
But the status update only led to further accusations and a total breakdown of trust for semi- monogamous partner Skip Sarducci, who has had a strong relationship with Jungers since 2006 when Jungers posted an add on Craig's List to sell her broken microwave.
The two hit it off and outside sources have indicated that the two have been having mostly consensual sex ever since.
But all of that security is now in jeopardy with Sarducci having strong reason to believe that Tiger was not the only PGA romance that Jungers had pursued. Bystanders in the Binions parking lot last Wednesday night describe a loud and violent standoff between Sarducci and Jungers.
Sarducci apparently lost it after reading that Jungers had spent three days with Vijah Singh just after Thanksgiving. Sarducci has been accused of taking Junger's work apron and order tablet and using them to protect his hand while he punched out the remaining two windows on her 92' Tercel. Jungers later told Las Vegas police that the windows had to be broken to save a lost kitten that had jumped in through the missing sunroof; as of press time no charges have been filed.
Binions has already removed Jungers namesake and picture from it's 2008 employee of the month dry erase board located in the break room between the loading doc and kitchen. Twenty-four hour buffet officials are refusing any further comments, however, night staff manager Mitch Reed said that it is unclear if Jungers still represents the wholesome image that casino buffets 'strive for'.
Disgruntled partner Skip Sarducci claims that he always trusted Jungers and never imagined that 9 other sleazy golfers would step forward one by one to claim affairs with the girl that he assumed was only acting slutty around him.
"We had an agreement; we would bang every Tuesday and Thursday after her night shift and as long as both of us kept it just between us then we wouldn't have to use a jimmy hat". He continued, "Turns out she's been getting nailed by just about every top 20 PGA player in the world... including the ultra-annoying Padraig Harrington".
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America) -- powered by Cracked.com
Summer of Tears in connection with The Comedy Hub Network Video Series and Cracked.com
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Young Mathew and babysitter Skyler had no idea that they were about to begin a six-hour adventure of raucous comedy, sexual fantasy, and edgy race baiting mischief.
"For years I have been bored to tears with movies like 'Shrek' and 'Daddy Day Care', said pre-teen Mathew. Now I realize that Eddie Murphy was once a hardcore son of a bitch.... Who woulda thought?"
Upon returning home Mathew's parents were put into the same awkward position that many of adults today face on a regular basis: 'How to explain what the fuck went wrong with Eddie Murphy's career'. Dr. James Dobson of 'Focus on the Family' fame has dealt with the issue from parents from across the country and referred CHN to a press release from his website:
The degradation of Eddie Murphy's work as an A-list actor of fulfilling movies to a shit-can voice over artist and two bit kiddie flick pusher is a difficult topic for Christian families. The message however is increasingly clear: Engaging in promiscuous sexual behavior in the back seat of a car with a drugged up tranny always results in one losing their sense of reality, dignity, and all intrinsic professional value of right vs. wrong... I think 'The Haunted Mansion' is a good example, that really sucked.
For most families the transition of exposing children to an Eddie Murphy worth watching is shaky and unpredictable. Dobson recommends that "...the best method is an impromptu after school showing of Eddies 1987 Classic 'Raw'. The 46 uses of "motherfucker" should ease America's youngsters towards a reasonable understanding of what Eddie use to be for all of us.
Friday, October 16, 2009
For advertising opportunities, requests for information, or job opportunities please send all email to email@example.com.
We will get back to you as soon as possible.
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Sunday, October 4, 2009
by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Traffic Correspondent, 11:00 AM PST
Glendale, CA: Mort Levinson has made a name for himself in the local community and he has certainly made his presence felt around his neighborhood and various surface streets along the I-210.
Mr. Levinson employs several 'safety' precautions during 'tailgating incidents' which seem to occur rather often. Glendale, in fact, has become the tailgating capital of the world according to Levinson. Mr. Levinson has developed specific procedures to deal with those that breech his safe zone. He begins by rapidly shifting his head and line of sight repeatedly between the rear view mirror and side mirror so that they know that he's 'on to them'. Then he taps the brakes several times to see if they are responsive to light stimulus; all the while chanting: “What is this joker doing” and “This will get em”.
Finally, Levinson reveals, “If they haven’t backed off yet I have no choice but to slam on my brakes and give them a taste of who they’re dealing with”.
“Mort has caused numerous multi-vehicle accidents in his neighborhood” reports LA County Sheriff Arthur Conway. “It’s very rare to see multi-vehicle pile-ups in residential areas but so far we have 36 on record since 1990 and he (Mort Levinson) has been the lead car each time”, reported the Sheriff.
“Let me explain something - I am a strict Constitutionalist, Levinson insisted with a deep stare and long pause. “Do you think that our founding fathers threw extra words in the Constitution just to fill space? No, no they didn’t. If you think the DMV handbook is any different than you are nothing short of an Anarchist”.
According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles the safe following distance is one car length for every 10mph of speed.
“If you come inside that one car length zone – I have no choice but to immediately make a complete stop” admits Levinson. He continued, “The idea that I would accelerate just to bring you further out of compliance is pure hooey. After stopping, I can’t and wont pull forward until you back up to at least one car length. Eventually people will learn all this. Until then, I have to get out of my Le Sabre and tell them face to face that they have no right to operate a vehicle in this state”.
Friday, September 11, 2009
This Personal Ad Appeared On CRAIG'S LIST (www.craigslist.com):
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that
a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm
overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I
am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to
Here are my questions specifically:
Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing
to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous
girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out?
Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way.
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about
it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to
match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill;
that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be
getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot
for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to
go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as
simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I
wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe
that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found
you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we
wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease,
let me know.
(Now that is how you answer a personal ad)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
TFLN, a CHN contributer, has been getting a lot of attention lately. What is it that they do? Nothing really other than publish the best real life text messages that originated from... well, from last night I guess. Here is the All Time Best from 'Texts From Last Night':
Best nights of all time
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
(978): Prove it.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score