Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pentagon orders 15 million tons of 'Mighty Mend-It'

Do-It-All Product Expected To Turn Tide In Iraq

by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Correspondent, 7:45AM EST.

The Pentagon (CHN)- Just one week into his term, Barack Obama has faced an uphill battle with the Timothy Geithner confirmation hearings, a nagging standoff with Rod Blagojevich, and continued skepticism about a planned stimulus package that could reach a trillion dollars. One story that has slipped almost entirely under the radar was Obama's first large scale foreign policy move that will send roughly 15 million tons of 'Mighty Mend-It' to Iraq's so-called Sunni-Triangle.

Product Spokesman Billy Mays discussed the deal with investment guru Jim Cramer on CNBC's 'Mad Money' this past Monday. "We got a call from Mr. Obama's Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel about 30 minutes after Barrack was sworn into office", reported Mays. "He had a lot of questions about the quality of the product and it's uncanny ability to solve wide range of troublesome problems... although we had never tested the product for use as body armor for Humvees we assured him that if any 'as seen on tv' repair glue could do the job it would certainly be Mighty Mend-It.

Although the State Department had initially estimated a need for only 5 million tons; each order was tripled because the Pentagon qualified under the 'order now!' offer that also included a bonus shipment of 'Mighty Gemit' which 'adds bling to almost anything'.

An undisclosed portion of the product will be pre-positioned in Afghanistan ahead of troop increases to the region. "I think we learned a tough lesson when we went into Iraq unprepared" remarked David Petraeus, U.S. Central Command Leader. "We may not need the full order of Might Mend-It... but sometimes you have to speak softly and carry a large supply of a flexible bonding agent that dries crystal clear and is safe for most fabrics and surfaces".

Surprisingly, this is not the first time the U.S. Military has utilized a Billy Mays "As seen on TV" product. In 2004 amid growing concern that WMD's had not been found in Iraq, Donald Rumsfeld ordered 15,000 'Awesome Augers' to add substance to the facade that there was an active search for banned weapons.

Rumors about a deal for Snuggie Blankets have fueled suspicion about a possible ground incursion into North Korea but both Pentagon officials and Billy Mays phone bank operators continue to refuse questions about pending orders.

The Mighty Mend-It will arrive in Iraq by February 10th with the simple instructions: "Apply-Touch-Mend".

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pittsburgh Makes Quadrennial Statement:: "We Are Not In Running for Olympic Games"

One more city can be marked off from the list of 2016 Olympic hopefuls.
by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Sports Editor, 7:30 AM EST

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl made the all-too-familiar speech to local press and the 'Pittsburgh in 2016' Olympic committee comprised of two of Terry Bradshaw's x-wives and several members of ELKS Lodge #11. The press conference marked the 31st time that Pittsburgh has bowed out of the running. Locals argue that this is only the 29th time that Pittsburgh has given up because it was well known that the 12th and 13th Games would be canceled due to WW2.

The Mayor (pictured above) finished with somber comments that Pittsburghians are beginning to know word by word:

"As of the latest count there are 42,624 cities in this great land we call 'America'. Let me remind you that only 6 U.S. cities have ever hosted Olympic games of any type. While we do wish to join those elite cities: Lake Placid, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Atlanta, Squaw Valley, and Salt Lake City - we should also be happy with the present company of the great cities to have never hosted the Olympic games such as: Portland, Milwaukee, Detroit, Boise, Cleveland, and Fresno. Another way to look at it; we are the same as the 99.6% of U.S. municipalities to have never hosted the games. Frankly, we are in good company - did I mention that St. Paul has never held the Olympics... Doug, can you remember - Ok, that's ok; lets assume I had not mentioned St. Paul but now certainly I have.... Thank you all for coming."

The final announcement from the Olympic Committee for the 2016 games will be made by the International Olympic Committee in October of 2009. When reached for comment following Pittsburgh dropout, IOC Spokesperson Tarren Aanika said "Huh....What?"

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Gargamel Finally Catches, Rapes Smurfette

Confused Papa Smurf Led Group Straight Into Peril

Smurf Village (CHN) - NBC's reality TV show "The Smurfs" aired from 1981 to 1990 and gave viewers an inside look into the strange world of 99 blue creatures measuring just 3 apples high. The Smurfs, with their agrarian conflict-free society, enjoyed living in the safety of the deep forest; housed safely within mushroom domiciles. They had little concern, save for an evil wizard...Gargamel. It is this same evil wizard that now stands accused of kidnapping and raping Smurfette, the village's only female member.

During more innocent times, 'The Smurfs' uncanny ability to escape danger made the series perfect for children's programming; the show aired Saturday Mornings live on NBC.

"We felt it was just a matter of time before several, if not all, of those adorable smurfs would be severely injured or killed at the hands of Gargamel or his evil cat Azrael," said former NBC CEO Bob Wright. "We just didn't want any of that blue blood on our hands".

Bob Wright's decision to drop 'The Smurfs' in 1990 proved to be fortuitous as the past 18 years has brought famine, civil war, and the inevitable scourge of crack cocaine. Still, the Smurf Village has survived and managed to fend off Gargamel 30 minutes at a time until last week when Papa Smurf; suffering from Alzheimer's Disease, lost his smurfing map on the way home from the annual river-smurfing adventure.

Smurfette, Handy Smurf, Brainy Smurf, and Grouchy Smurf were all captured by Gargamel in a large net. The male smurfs were allegedly forced to witness forced copulation and sodomy upon smurfette before they were boiled to death in a large black pot.

Thus far, legal proceedings against Gargamel have been hampered by several hangups:
  1. Legal jurisdiction is unclear because the location of the Smurf Village remains unknown to humans.
  2. Gargamel's attorney Mark Geragos has argued that the pedophilia charges are unwarranted because Smurfette's real age cannot be determined since she was originally created from a magic potion by Gargamel himself.
  3. During the rape kit evaluation it was determined that Smurfette's 'Smurf' was infested with the sperm of several smurfs and some other type of forest creature.
  4. Jury pools are undoubtedly tainted by recent photo's captured by TMZ showing an intoxicated Smurfette flashing her smurfs outside of a local Wal Mart:

Papa Smurf, blaming himself for the tragedy, has confined Smurfette in his personal home with Hefty Smurf keeping guard 24 hours a day. To keep her spirits up he also has asked every Smurf to rotate through daily in groups of 3 for Smurfy Smurfsomes.

The 'Ten Best' Comedy Hub Articles from 2009

As voted by readers, here are the TOP 10 CHN Articles in 09'

10. Waterpark Provides Likely Opportunity For 12 Year Old To See 1st 'Nip Slip'

1. Gargamel Finally Catches, Rapes Smurfette

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Yankees sign NL West to 3 year 922 million dollar Contract

Deal Adds Nearly 1,000 Current Players And Prospects
by: Arianna Smith, CHN Sports Editor, 8:30AM EST

Following a 3rd place finish in the American League East, the New York Yankees have undergone several key steps to improve their chances in 2009. Within the past two months the Yankees front office has landed several key free agents including Mark Texiera and CC Sabathia. However, those deals pale in comparison to today's blockbuster announcement of the purchase of the entire National League West.

Team General Manager Brian Cashman (pictured above) likes the depth that the addition of 5 teams has brought to the Yankee lineup. Cashman gave additional insight into the deal during this morning's press conference:

"The Giants, Dodgers, Rockies, and Diamondbacks all have fine traditions and they will be missed; but the opportunity to pick up this many players, including a possible replacement for Johnny Damon in either Matt Holliday, Eric Byrnes, Chris Young, Brad Hawpe, Matt Kemp, or Aaron Rowand was just too sweet to ignore".

Executive Vice President Hal Steinbrenner was instrumental in the negotiations even though he later admitted that he was unaware that San Diego still had a team. Steinbrenner made it clear that all personel from the Padres would have a chance to compete for spots at either the Single A affiliate Charleston Riverdogs or the Double A affiliate Trenton Thunder.

Some of the new Yankees were less than thrilled to find out that they would not be issued traditional jersey's with numbers. "How do I take the field as #73.5" quipped former Dodger Nomar Garciaparra. Six other better first baseman were quoted as simply 'laughing' in the background following Garciaparra's comment.

"It's unlikely that we will need the services from any of the front office personnel, managers, or coaches from these once proud franchises. We did offer one individual a janitorial role in our bullpen.... that person was Joe Torre" noted current Yankee Manager Joe Girardi.

The Commissioner's office recognizes that National League schedules will be much thinner in 2009 with the 31% reduction of teams, however a net positive was identfied when the Yankees agreed to purchase the home ballparks of the 5 liquidated teams. So far, no indication has been given on possible uses for the facilities; un-named sources have speculated that at least one of the parks could be utilized to finally move the Mets out of New York.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Bernie Madoff Liquidates His Plot in Hell for 126 Million

Satan Demands SEC Investigation On Loophole Real Estate Scheme.
by: Donald Duetch, CHN New York Affiliate, 5:04 PM EST

Infamous Wall Street thief Bernie Madoff is currently under house arrest for defrauding investors of an estimated $50Billion following the disclosure of a massive worldwide ponzi scheme. Madoff's latest victim, the devil himself, is fuming after uncovering documents showing that Mr. Madoff has sold his reserved plot in the underworld for 126 million dollars to unsuspecting investors.

"I had set aside an especially warm spot, we call it the 'Auschwitz Adventure'", explained the Prince of Darkness during a 2 hour Skype Q and A with the New York Times this morning. "With the rough economy we have been forced to utilize staff on hand (Nazi's and such) to participate in some of our newest programs. Madoff would have been loaded, along with other the new members at the gates of hell, onto a train that heads directly to a "work camp". Long story short we burn them up in a huge oven... I don't want to give the rest away but it's a real hoot. The kicker is that you never die, you just keep boarding another train and getting burned up over and over again; we follow it up with a stop at the department of motor vehicles".

According to records found at Madoff Securities; Bernie was well aware of his eternal damnation and parlayed a credit default swap that essentially flipped his spot in the underworld for a series of high risk investments in purgatory.

"His long shot purchase of near junk rated purgatory bonds probably would have expired as worthless upon his death" admits Standard and Poors spokesman Russel Spalding. Spalding continued, "But then the TARP came in and changed everything; those 'out of the money' purgatory calls have appreciated beyond anyone's wildest expectations" thanks to Hank Paulson and U.S. Taxpayers.

"You win some and you lose some" admitted Satan. "Luckily, I work very closely with the Federal Reserve and U.S. Judicial System, so if there's a way to get this guy - I'll get him".

Satan also disclosed that with his current budget shortfall he has been unable to make his weekly meeting with Osama Bin Laden, and has sent new clients such as Rod Blagojevich directly to voicemail.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Analyst Schedules Steve Jobs Funeral for March 8th 2009

Demand To End Speculation Results In Consensus Decision
by: Dillon Radigan, Comedy Hub Newswire, 11:55 PST

Steve Jobs, storied CEO and savior of Apple Computer is schedule to die on March 4th, 2009 and will be buried the following Sunday afternoon according to analysts at Goldman Sachs.

JP Morgan Tech Adviser Samuel Nueburger agrees with the first call analysis and adds:
"The Jobs funeral should not affect 1st quarter results because the Apple executive health plan does not include funeral expenses." Nueburger added that "the Goldman Sachs estimate puts a firm calendar stop on estimated hospice care for Mr. Jobs which could run in excess of $1,200 per day and will start on January 29th".

"We estimate that closing costs on Steve Jobs life will run approximately 1450 Ipod Nanos. This undercut previous estimates of 1920-2000 Ipod Nanos which is helping to push up AAPL stock back to near $100 levels.

Mr. Jobs, who has lost significant weight over the past several years, has been under increased scrutiny to disclose health records to shareholders and investors who are concerned that his cancer may have returned. Jobs' lack of presence at this years Mac World event added additional questions.

The Goldman Sachs forecast relies entirely on Apple Final Cut Studio 2 software that allowed the investment bank to input digital pictures into the program from the past 6 Mac World Conferences to monitor Mr. Jobs weight loss. 

"The program helped us to determine that Steve will shrink below his current bone structure by March 1, 2009.  We are not doctors but we have never witnessed a man become skinnier than his current skeletal girth... this software is really awesome," noted intern Jacob Fryman.

has also just reported that ITUNES will soon enact 'variable pricing' for song downloads (.69 to 1.29 per song); this appears to have been set up to lower the cost of using Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven" at the Jobs service. "It should be a real tear jerker and at just .69 for the song - Apple shareholders can sleep a bit better tonight" added Nueburger.

Jobs will be buried in a black mock neck shirt and blue jeans and should be survived by wife Laurene Powell, and daughter Lisa Brennan-Jobs. Presiding over the funeral will be Zen Buddhist monk Kobun Chino Otogowa who married Lisa and Steve back in 1991. The above file photo of Jobs has already been forwarded to newspapers across the country for use in the obituary section.

Monday, January 5, 2009

CA Budget to be 'saved' with infusion from Cousin of former Nigerian Oil Minister

Cash Advance Will Secure Ailing State's Budget Through 2009
by: Amanda Westgate, Comedy Hub Political Analist

Sacramento, CA (CHN) - With California Legislators still locked in a protracted stalemate; the Governor's office announced late Thursday afternoon that the states balance sheet may not be headed for catastrophe after all. Just as Sacramento was preparing to issue IOU's for payments to state creditors; Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was inking the final details of a very sweet revenue enhancement that is projected to save taxpayers from a flurry of proposed fee and sales tax increases.

According to a release from the Governor's Office the windfall stemmed from an urgent email received last week from Nyerere Ojo Udelya, close relative and confidant of former Nigerian Oil Minister Suleman Tanko Usahm. Unfortunately for Mr. Usahm, the Nigerian government was overturned and he was placed under house arrest with all assets frozen by the new regime. He needed to transfer a total sum of $23Billion to an offshore non-resident in order to protect the money from insurgents who took over the Nigerian Capital. Because the Oil Ministry would have lost everything, they have agreed to donate $22 Billion of the reserves to "The Fine Sir's and Madame's of California Republic" keeping just $1 Billion for themselves.

Schwarzenegger agreed to expedite the transaction by forwarding all banking account numbers and Calpers retirement fund passwords to Mr. Udelya who has agreed to handle the risk-free deposit from his undisclosed location.

But the deal required a steady hand from the Governor as negotiation of the cash infusion appeared doomed when California's primary checking account, held by Washington Mutual, was nearly wiped out by the banks failure and eventual takeover by JP Morgan Chase. The account holding nearly 14 billion in State Reserves largely disappeared save for the $100K that was protected through FDIC insurance. That remaining $100K was invested astutely with guru fund manager Bernie Madoff - Wall Street's only sure bet.

"Certainly the announcement today by the Governor and the confirmation fax sent by Mr. Udelya will go a long way towards regenerating confidence in the State Legislature and the Governors Office as we combat the unparalleled challenge of trying to raise taxes on downtrodden citizens while cutting absolutely no government spending whatsoever," stated Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez.

The official announcement came with an update from Mike Jimenez, President of The California Correctional and Peace Officers Association that base salaries would increase 28% annually over the next 8 years instead of the prior contract which limited salary increases to a paltry 21% per year. "Thanks to the quick work of the Governor and Mr. Udelya, men and women with hardly more than a high school diploma can continue to earn 6 digit salaries," said Mr. Jimenez while he held up a large sack with a green dollar sign sewn into the fabric.

Update: June 9th 2009, Governor Schwarzenegger still waiting for the check from Mr. Udelya; will now implement non-conventional methods to raise state revenue

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