Police: The Corpse We Found Ended Up Being A Nobody

Redondo Beach, CA:
Speculation swirled earlier this week in one of the nations safest cities over the discovery of a dead body; perhaps the first murder in Redondo Beach since 1978. The victim, a young blond female, appeared to have been the victim of an elaborate murder plot that would likely make its rounds on the national news networks and at the very least create fodder for an episode of CSI, according to Redondo detectives.

The body was found at 5:30 Am Saturday by a group of young adolescent males who were up early for a walk and to enjoy the sunrise. The victim was partially nude but yielded little information for local detectives. "We noticed that her shirt was ripped exposing 34 DD breasts; after we finished the measurement and inspection of the victims breasts we hit a wall as far as clues go" admitted Redondo Detective and Parking Enforcement Czar Greg O'Neil. Crime scene notes released to the media immediately after the discovery describe the victim as extremely attractive, well tanned, with uncanny maintenance of body hair.

Redondo Beach Police developed several possible scenarios with the most popular outcome suggesting that a 19 Year old Heiress/Movie Star was caught in a lurid affair with a Malibu entertainment mogul. After being caught by the mogul's wife the young starlet must have been forced by the wife to perform sexual acts on high ranking public officials and or foreign dignitaries. She likely was manipulated to dress as a Catholic schoolgirl and role play numerous risque situations with an authoritarian principle. "She must have wanted out and had to be gotten rid of" explained O'Neil. "That's when they must have either poisoned her with arsenic or electrocuted her; we really have no way to know"

But the buzz among local residents was silenced quickly as DNA results showed that the corpse was just a freshman at USC that seemed to have no connection with the entertainment industry, high profile figures, or any other nationally provacative missing persons cases. O'Neil says that while the investigation will technically remain "open" the back half of summer gets really busy over at the pier with lots of sunbathers and parking violations.

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