Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Drastic Changes Planned For Angels This Spring...

LA Angels of Anaheim Eyeing new name for 2009

by: Mike Briano, 6:35 PM PST
Comedy Hub Sports Editor

Unsupported rumors have been swirling for months and now the news has finally gained substantiation that the LA Angels will likely change their name prior to the 2009 season. Disgruntled former first baseman Casey Kotchman disclosed the details to an Atlanta Constitution reporter this Tuesday.

The Angels have represented many geographic areas since their 1961 debut as the "Los Angeles Angels". In 1965 the Angels decided to represent the entire State of California and did so until Disney took control in 1997. Disney, desperate to break ground on a new city called "Anaheim", used the nickname "Anaheim Angels" to draw media attention to Orange County which would not gain national attention until the debut of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" nearly 10 years later.

The real change came in 2005 when owner Arte Moreno, a wealthy marketing guru, was able to parlay the old Anaheim Angels name into the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim". This is the first known dual city team in any sport throughout human history; this is likely because it is impossible to represent two home cities unless your team is run by a marketing whore.

Moreno's newest scheme is far more ambitious. It is now confirmed that on opening day 2009 the Angels will take the field as the Brooklyn Angels of Los Angeles, making them the first bi-coastal sports team to ever take the diamond. An anonymous source within the Angels front office offered the following comment:

"Brooklyn has been clamoring for a baseball team since the Dodgers broke their heart in 1957; it's time that someone reaches out to them and their increasingly wealthy fan base; we have proven that we need no physical presence in a city whatsoever to draw on its rich baseball viewing resources"

In other team notes the Angels have retired the number of Orel Hershiser despite his never pitching an inning for the club; additionally they have named Sandy Koufax their favorite Jew baseball player of the 20th century.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Obama flashes Tits To Curry Favor At Pentagon Meet and Greet

Transition Meeting With Top Military Officials Ends in Truth or Dare Fiasco.
by: Kaylee Strut, Comedy Hub Political Analist. 6:15 PM EST

In what seemed to be standard procedure, President-Elect Barack Obama sat down with transition advisers, State Department Leaders, and numerous 4 Star Generals to discuss the possible surge of troops into Afghanistan rumored to begin just after the Inauguration. 

The three hour meeting was all but complete when Obama reportedly challenged Deputy Secretary John Negroponte and his staff to a game of 5 on 5 basketball. Negraponte is said to have promised to make the President Elect regret the offer according to an un-named source.

Although the two sides never took the court, the situation escalated rather quickly from basic verbal shit-talking into a literal 'pissing contest' with Under Secretary of Global Affairs Paula Dobriansky out-distancing VP elect Joe Biden 13 feet to 11.  CHN has been unable to confirm other allegations concerning challenges like:
"oops the closet light went out" and "just the tip (to see how it feels)".

As promised, Obama
(the losing team captain) complied with a truth or dare agreement by promptly shaving his chest and completing 4 sets x 25 fingertip push ups all the while chanting "Praise Alah". Finally, he fulfilled the dare by walking topless through the building lobby and out to the street where photographers had been called in to capture the historic/breasty moment .

At no time was Obama to remove his sunglasses or tuck in the drawstring on his shorts; both points of contention for the future Chief of Staff Rahm Emanual.

"I think we made some progress today" Negroponte told reporters after the urine, shaving cream, and KY jelly was cleaned from the 3rd floor meeting room outside of his office. "We found out what kind of nerve this guy has, so far I like how things feel... let's be honest this is mostly a 'feel' game when it's all said and done."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Local Furniture Store Gets 46.2 Billion from TARP

Taxpayers Question Latest Bailout Target
by: Tab Wiggins, Comedy Hub Washington DC Burea
12-21-08 8:35 EST

Norfolk, VA based Sittybank "Love Seats n' Stools for Less" has announced the receipt
of over 46 billion dollars in Cash and loan guarantees that should help the single
location retailer brave the current downtrend in specialty seating and foot rests.

Owner Mitch Saderstrom announced news of the equity infusion via email to close friends and registered customers who are signed up to receive advance sale announcements prior to release in the 'Penny Saver'.

"We are pleased to report that Sittybank will continue to offer long term financing to qualified customers at competitive rates.... we also would like to announce that we are extending the 10% off all 3-piece sectionals through January. Lastly, we are making a tender offer to purchase General Electric the worlds 12th largest company according to Forbes Magazine."

Mr. Saderstrom, who purchased the store from his Father-In-Law in 1984, was having a tough go of it when he wrote a letter to Hank Paulson back in mid-November asking for help. "Our 3rd quarter was slow" he wrote via postcard to the Federal Reserve who later brought the case to the Treasury Department. "Probably about $7,500 less than last year." Saderstrom noted.

The Norfolk Gazette quoted Saderstrom just one day after the payout arrived, "I understand that taxpayers are torn as to whether or not the federal government should be helping out small east coast specialty retailers with an extensive history of tax fraud, but I have 6 employees and I need to make sure I can make payroll next Tuesday.... so, this was a no-brainer (to ask for the funds) and it seems that the Treasury Department felt the same way."

General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt has not publicly responded to the all cash buyout of GE but it is widely expected that he may try to incite a bidding war for the ailing global conglomerate between Sittybank and JP Morgann Asbestos Removal of Little Rock, Arkansas. Immelt, well known for his bargaining ability, is under heavy pressure from shareholders to take any deal above the company's current $17.21 share price. Saderstom says he is not concerned "If we can't swing the GE deal we may go ahead and just pick up the BIG 3; I took autoshop in high school so it could be a nice compliment to Sittybank's existing assets.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Baby Seal Hunter Finds Dating Increasingly Difficult

by:Racquel Darian, Comedy Hub Editor
7:15 Am EST

Monty Wiggins, a 38 year old native of Edmonton, Canada, has found the dating scene to be less than satisfying over the past few years. "I'm not sure what exactly it takes these days to find the right person; but I sure as hell can't figure it out". Monty seemed to have little difficulty finding attractive, intelligent woman during college. "Girls liked my humor and generally thought that I was a good looking guy" relates Monty.

Everything did seem to be going smoothly until 2005 when Monty turned 35 years old. "I don't know what it is with that magic number 35 but women seemed to run from me once I hit that pivotal age," Monty told his sister during a recent phone call.

Early in 2005, Monty left his job as a commercial real estate broker and picked up work as a baby seal hunter.  Baby seal hunters can make a generous living and work just a small part of the year. "I took a new job that allowed me the time to start a family; wouldn't ya know it, now that I have the time, I can't seem to get to a third date with any woman in town".

Mr. Wiggins claims to have tried just about everything to impress women, "Just last week I prepared a romantic dinner at home for a girl I had met at the library. I spared no expense with the dinner itself, shark fin soup and veal parmigiana. She was the 'I don't eat dinner' type so I'm certain we had no future anyway".

Monty does have one strong theory to explain his dating trouble: "Ok, I do realize that there is a skeleton in the closet here.  I admit that I have a 6 year old daughter named Skyler. I showed a cute picture of her to a girl I had met back in March on 'take your daughter to work day'. We were both red with blood of course.  It was so adorable because Skyler was unable to kill the seals because of her obvious lack of strength.  She was able to help grab the injured cubs that were attempting to flee so that I could take another attempt at crushing their skulls.  It's just a shame that more woman are not open to meeting men with kids."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Trans Fat Producers Fall On Tough Times

by Austin Kincaid 8:35 AM est.
Comedy Hub Food Expert

With the US economy stalled amid a housing crisis and record energy costs one small segment of the economy that has been well under the radar is suffering total devastation: The Trans Fat Producers of America (TFPA).

"Big media has been airing the plight of consumers and homeowners over the past year; I have yet to see one story about the total devastation to TFPA members" announced Chairwoman Veronica Knight at the annual fat, lard, and fat-lard hybrid expo in Birmingham, Alabama earlier this week.

Last month the Giampietro family joined legions of other small Midwest trans fat farmers and went belly up as demand for human killing food additives continued to slide.

Al Giampietro summed up his frustration in the current market; "the trans fat economy was strong through some of best times in American history; just look at the 1990's, we had a strong economy, relative peace in the world, and plenty of delicious trans fats in our snacks and processed foods". He continued, "This unfettered campaign against all that is good in the world must come to an end. Companies aren't just stopping their regular business with us but they also are working tirelessly to ruin the trans-fat economy by proudly stating that their product does not contain any tongue comforting trans-fat.

Doctors and Nutritionists have been arguing for years that trans fats are neither essential nor
salubrious and, in fact, the consumption of trans fats increases one's risk of coronary heart disease by raising levels of "bad" LDL cholesterol and lowering levels of "good" HDL cholesterol. Health authorities worldwide recommend that consumption of trans fat be reduced to trace amounts.

But the few remaining members of the TFPA contend that trans fat is sure to follow the path of disco music which became wildly popular for a short time, made mainstream America nauseous, and finally reemerged 20 years later not unlike an acid flashback. "When consumers finally take this country back from the health nuts; we will be ready and well stocked to bring them the extra chemically enhanced fat that they crave" concluded Ms. Knight.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

General Motors trades Buick, Pontiac for Wyoming Horse Ranch

by: Rachelle Vicente-Dias Comedy Hub Contributer 6:45 am EST

Wall Street had its hands full at the opening bell on Monday with the surprise news that General Motors (GM 11.90, -1.10, -8.5%) has reached an agreement to trade two of its iconic flagship brands for a Wyoming horse ranch.

The 7,200 acre ranch in Eastern Wyoming is home to 6,400 horses and 1,300 bighorn sheep. Former ranch owners Gene and Betty Hickins commented on their entry into the Auto Manufacturing, "Our family has never owned an auto company... so to get two of them for just one of our 12 ranches seemed like a reasonable deal" explained Gene.

General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner Jr. responded to shareholders concerns via a 10am webcast: "The day of the horseless carriage will be over soon and we are not going to miss the boat on this one", Wagoner continued, "We now admit that we ignored the trend when it came to the basic recognition of hybrid technology, reasonable fuel efficiency, and vehicles that offer some sort of reliable chance of running. That aside - we wont be left behind as Americans and the rest of the world take the next step to zero emission unlimited MPG animal transportation.

Talks fell apart on a separate deal with the Hickins to swap the entire Hummer line for 16 donkeys and the existing feed storage that held enough hay and oats for approximately 3 weeks.

Gene Hickins issued his first company directive for Pontiac and Buick employees just before noon: "Please dig up the plans for the 1969 Pontiac GTO JUDGE convertible... we are going to need to make 8 of them; the kids will be in early tomorrow to pick out colors and upholstery"

Speculation was all but confirmed that the Hickins family are likely to trade Buick to good friend Dale Goodwin in Florida for his 42' Sailboat equipped to handle 14 passengers. Mr. Goodwin has been looking for a good source on parts for his 1991 LeSabre.

The combined total 114,000 blue and white collar workers from the two slumping auto giants are unlikely to be fully employed during the completion of the 8 vehicles currently on the Hickins' build list. It is assumed that the bulk of the workers will soon be selling t-shirts on Ebay with the rest of America's unemployed.

Buick has been an iconic luxury brand since 1903, but became irrelevant once they stopped making vehicles that anyone under 85 years old would consider driving. Buick still remains a top seller for buyers age 100 and older with nearly 62% of the market share.

General Motors has also confirmed that Saab has been donated to the Salvation Army.
The Salvation Army denies that claim.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Report: FBI still hasn't seen one dime from hat licensing

by: Trish Reegan, 12:50 pm EST
Washington DC Staffer

FBI director Robert Mueller was once again pressed by Congress after the agency reported it's yearly budget analysis. The 2007 budget was overspent by 322 million dollars leaving Mr. Mueller asking the House Appropriations Committee for a much larger budget allotment to get through the rest of 2008.

Mueller, appointed by President Bush in 2001, made several large licensing agreements shortly after taking the reigns at the Bureau. Most notable was the hat agreement that Mueller signed allowing the nations pipe shops, skateboarding stores, and mini marts to sell hats with the intimidating "FBI" official logo.

Director Mueller admits that nearly none of those trusted retail posts have sent in any of the revenue that the FBI was expecting from the deal. He added that the agency could be forced to begin selling some of its most guarded secrets on Ebay if Congress does not increase its 2008 budget.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

"He Man" didn't seem funny when we were kids - but it is now

"He Man" is brought to you by the retards at www.Crackle.com. Crackle is a new video site that is now linked on the right side of the page here at the Comedy Hub (see Essential Link List). They seem to be specializing in having 'minisodes' of old TV shows. Pretty gay overall - but I am not aware of another site that has "Silver Spoons" and "Different Strokes".

From Crackle: He-Man: Diamond Ray of Disappearance

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Report: 84% of Meter Maids were abused by Meter Maids as Children

Medical Professionals Uncertain That Cycle Can Be Broken

(CHN) Santa Monica, CA- The long term affects of child abuse have been debated for years with experts still unsure of how certain trauma will affect adolescents as they enter adulthood. Radio Host Dr. Drew is convinced that abusive behavior, both verbal and physical, during developmental years can create permanent long term affects. "Most often we see a cycle occur where the victims of abuse become predators of the same type of abuse later in life" argues Drew.

One segment of abuse that has remained in the shadows for years is the financial abuse upon middle and lower income families by traffic cops and meter maids. "We have never had so many traffic cops in the history or our city" said longtime LA resident Arielle Sanchez. "By my count roughly 1 out of every 7 cars on the road are involved in parking enforcement" she added.

Experts agree that a scourge of meter maids has settled in to many large U.S. cities causing havoc, hate, and financial hardship for families already stricken by a tough economy. "Our seminal fear appears to have been realized," reports Doug Hastings of the Parking Abuse Institute. "We see a staggering trend of abused vehicle owners simply giving up and becoming traffic cops.... the cycle of abuse is snowballing and by 2018 a full 65% of all U.S. workers will be traffic cops.

"Clearly no human with any sense of dignity, ethics, or faith in humanity would ever take a job as an agent of parking enforcement. The process requires an individual to be beaten into submission by a long trend of systemic abuse. People reach a breaking point and just give up on themselves and others... all that remains is hate," admits Hastings.

Other data from the report reveals that 72% of parking enforcement officials are registered as Nazi's, 82% hit their dogs regularly, and 98% engage in sadistic genital mutilation to their own bodies.

"The genital mutilation is the only positive finding; perhaps many of them will be unable to reproduce and we will stem the tide before human civilization is simply lost forever," concluded Hastings.

The Media has had little choice but to begin reporting on the abuse, please use caution when watching the following video; the traffic agent shown is a 52 year old female virgin who has suffered from both butterface and butterbody her whole life:

(CHN) The Comedy Hub Network. Fuck the PoPo
Original publish date 12/03/08 - updated 07/24/10

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Batman and Joker PSA series.

Its unclear if these were deleted scenes from the actual movie or just some spots that Heath and Christian did during off periods on the set. Although Heath is now gone, the lessons are (Batman) forever....

For the other 5 PSA's shoot over to FUNNY OR DIE right now
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