Wednesday, November 30, 2011

EU Leaders Solve Debt Crisis But Worry About Long Term Costs Of Selling Children To Gypsies

Crisis Averted On Final Day Of Talks

French PM Sarkozy Delivers A Down Payment
BRUSSELS (CHN) - European leaders have finally capped debt woes that began in Greece two years ago and spread to other larger economies, most notably Italy. The latest bout of turmoil to afflict the Eurozone came last week after Italian and Spanish Governments had to pay significantly more to get investors to part with their cash via bond sales. 

"The final scenerio of selling off the children was really the only option we had all along," said German Chancellor Merkel. Other ideas floated this week included plans for the eurozone's six AAA-rated nations to pool their resources via a joint bond to provide a series of weekly Groupons to it's most indebted members. 

Also under consideration was a fast-track move to install Government controlled crack cocaine vending machines throughout public school systems. Germany is still pushing for a combination of those settlements in return for selling their children, a burden that some German voters believed to be unfair. 

Critics of the plan see larger issues; "The danger of selling 40-50 million children all at once is that the final sell cost per child will drop far below current value," says BNP Paribas analyst Mark Andrews.  "Greek and Italian Children should have been carefully sold at market demand starting in 2008; so now you have an oversupply of children coming to the Gypsy market along with the larger issue of Spanish and Portuguese children fetching lower prices because they are dumber and dirtier," explained Andrews before adding "even Gypsies have standards". 

Gypsy Leaders Celebrate Their First Ever Legal Transaction 
Labor leaders were warm to the final arrangement that will allow retirement ages and pension packages to remain untouched throughout EU member states. 

Back in the U.S. the Obama administration has urged support for the plan but has not indicated any specific help other than administrative for final dealings with the Gypsy leaders.  Critics of the plan say that default is still on the horizon because the Gypsy population has little or no cash on hand and because you simply can't deal with Gypsies.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Politics: 29 Of Herman Cain's Illegitimate Children Come Forward

Group Represents Nearly All Of Cain's Offspring Currently Living In Eastern Kentucky

Cain Descendents Trace Heritage To A Weekend Fast Food Convention In 1978 And An Overnight Stay At A Marriot Following A Flat Tire In 2002

Friday, November 18, 2011

Cod Liver Oil Enters Year 62 of Sales Slump

General Disappearance of 'Rickets' And Growing Respect For Children's Desires Seen As Key Factors

File Photo: Cod Liver Oil Bottle Filled With Urine
Nova Scotia, Canada (CHN) - It was once described as 'The Cure All of Cure All's', but the last six decades have been nothing but agony for North America's cod liver oil industry.

"I think it was Shakespeare that started that book 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'... I have to tell you, it's been the worst of times for a really long time," said Niles Herring, fourth generation cod liver oil businessman.

"This industry was a gold mine," said Herring as he looked back on old family photos from the early 20th Century. 

In the company's heyday, prior to mid-century, Herring's family had 600 employees and four factories.  

"Now all that's left is the old fish gutting tables and a broken down 1961 Mack Delivery Van.  I should probably sell whats left for scrap, but I would have to share any proceeds with 28 extended family members that still hold shares in the company," says Herring. 
"All we had to do back then was put some black and white photos of kids drinking this stuff right next to the cigarette adds in Life Magazine; now the only advertising we do are free adds on Craigslist where we pretend to offer erotic Asian massage as a method to build credibility with new customers." - Niles Herring
But unlike many business's that have seen factories move abroad for cheap foreign labor or easier access to prostitutes; the cod liver oil industry seems to tell a much larger story about Western culture and it's many failures.

We used to force a spoonful down the throat of every child in the neighborhood," remembers Edna Cartwright, an 86 year old great grandmother of 9.  Mrs. Cartwright, like many of her 'Greatest Generation' counterparts handled child rearing 'a little bit different'.  "We gave em what was good for them," shouted Cartwright in a no-nonsense tone, "None of this sugar pop, video games, and a first blowjob by the age of 15".  

During Better Times, The Cod Liver Oil Industry Was The Primary Method Of Pissing Off Kids
Herring and his defunct family business seem to agree; "It's a change of culture and values," Herring continued, "Even with today's high levels of Mercury; kids should still have at least one spoonful of fish oil forced on them from each person over the age of 40".

When asked why he never entered the lucrative fish oil capsule business Herring seemed to accidentally spill coffee on his crotch and then ran out of the room.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Breaking News: Sandusky Cleared Of All Charges Following Costas Interview

Pennsylvania Grand Jury 'Feels Terrible' For The Pain They Must Have Caused Mr. Sandusky

State College, PA (CHN) - A long list of mea culpas will be going out today following the complete clearing of long-time Penn State Defensive Coordinator and Founder of 'The Second Mile' Youth Charity.

Sandusky, came completely clean with Bob Costas
Jerry Sandusky had been mistakenly charged with a litany of child rape and sex abuse charges spanning a 15 year time frame just last week.

In a telephone interview with NBC's Bob Costas Mr. Sandusky finally broke down and told all:
"I could say I have done some of those things...I have horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts. I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact."
 When pressed, the 67-year-old Sandusky said the only thing he did wrong was having "showered with those kids."

Just a few hours after the interview, and after a short follow up phone call with Bob Costas,  the Grand Jury Indictment and all charges were formally dropped by embarrassed prosecutors who now have a lot of apologizing to do to Mr. Sandusky.

McQueary And Paterno Back At Practice Tuesday
"I knew this whole thing was bullshit from the get go," said Penn State Alumnist Charles DeWitt. "For days we've been having candlelight vigils, donating money to child protective services, and we even wore blue to Saturday's football game... What a complete waste of time," concluded DeWitt. 

"I'm so glad to hear that the 8 victims described in the original indictment and the 10 others that have come forward this week are all liars," said re-instated Penn State University President Graham Spanier who was initially fired for generally not giving a shit about kids being raped.

But Spanier was not the only person relieved to find out that Sandusky was completely innocent of all wrongdoing.  Mike McQueary, who initially reported seeing Sandusky 'anally rape' a young boy in the Penn State shower facility, was also glad to find out that he was mistaken.

"In retrospect, I thought that I had witnessed Sandusky raping children on several occasions that I never even spoke about or reported.  He continued, "The relief to know that I was either just seeing things, or that someone else was raping those kids... well, it really takes a load off my shoulders."

Joe Paterno will retake the Penn State Sidelines this week as the Nittany Lions go on the road against Ohio State.  Those close to Paterno say that he plans to achieve 'complete and total retribution' against the University Trustees that fired him via a phone call prior to last weeks loss to Nebraska.  It is assumed that Paterno also has rescinded all thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families as has Penn State Faculty and Students.

The mothers of Victims #1-18 have refused to respond to CHN as of press-time; it is assumed that any remarks from them would be a complete fabrication. 

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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Playboy Hires NASA Scientists To Help With Lohan Picture Touch Ups

NASA's Most Audacious Challenge Since Consulting On Apollo 13 Movie 

Beverly Hills, CA (CHN) -  Playboy Enterprises Inc. has joined with the National Aeronautic and Space Agency to find a method to legitimately display images of Lyndsay Lohan in a glamor magazine. NASA agents were somewhat familiar with the subject as they had previously used the Hubble telescope to spy on Lohan's tits back when she was 17 and hot.  

Some photos will actually be "photo-shopped together with images of Hugh Hefner because of the similarity in color and skin texture," according to NASA project specialist Omar Odwalli.  

The issue is due to hit newsstands within the next 9 years at a budget forecast of 3.2 trillion dollars.

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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

What Are We Are Doing To Delay Engagements?

Men Trying Older Proven Methods As Well As Contemporary Ideas To Prevent Marriage

Gottman Relationship Institute (Seattle, WA) - A struggling economy, generational shifts in marriage, and the likely possibility of sluts in the neighborhood has pushed the average age for first marriages from 19 in 1950 to 26 in 2011. 

Displaying the fetal position (especially in public) continues to be a trusted response to any female request

National relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains that men are having more and more success stringing women along thanks to information sharing on Facebook and other social networks.
"After thousands of years with nearly no communication between their male counterparts; men have begun to work together to develop methods to fend off marriages; the results have been remarkable," concluded Mr. Gottman. 

Other conclusions from Gottman confirm that the availability of sluts in both cities and rural areas along with the advent of free unlimited porn can keep men satisfied for most of their adult lives.  But Gottman does agree that most men will need to settle down eventually for the purpose of geriatric care and for the raising of any children that can be tied to men via DNA evidence. 

Until that day comes; Gottman shares his Top 9 methods to delay engagements with CHN readers:

  1. Mention the growing desire to restart that porn website idea that had so much promise in 2002
  2. Stare at waitresses asses 50% longer than previously
  3. Pets all seem to be dying on your watch
  4. Stare at waitresses tits 75% longer than last weeks 30% increase
  5. Spend a lot more time huddled into a corner of the attic listening to New Kids On The Block
  6. Let those unemployment checks go ahead and run out 
  7. Have kids with past girlfriends/wives
  8. Invite your mother over to review girlfriends cleaning habits
  9. Incontinence

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates:  Facebook.*  Twitter * Home
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