Friday, August 28, 2009

6,380 Found Dead After Cessna Crash At Forest Lawn Cemetery

Aircraft May Have Been Brought Down By Heavy Payload Of Granite
by: Kylee Strutt, CHN Catrostrophy Contributer, 8;45 PM PST

Hollywood Hills, CA: Thirty six hours into the worst disaster in LA County History, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has refused to confirm the total number of casualties from Friday's horrific crash; instead the mayor has simply acknowledged that the loss of life is "far more than we can bare". Emergency responders have been on site without a break and are still piecing together clues that might reveal what exactly went wrong. The announcement came around 5:30pm that the search for survivors has been suspended with the focus now shifted to recovery.

An anonymous source has told CHN that a secondary and very curious story has been emerging concerning the very unusual degradation of many of the crash victims. "Some of these people look like they have been dead for 50 years, we just can't explain it."

The source added, "We do know that the group was probably en-route to a wedding or perhaps an awards ceremony such as the Grammys, these people were dressed really nice and even some of the men seem to be wearing make-up".

So far the LA County Coroner's Office has released the following findings which has the FAA puzzled. Only 2 of the 6,380 deaths occurred from the crash itself; the remaining 6,378 survived the emergency landing only to die of the following causes:

1,843 - Heart Attack, Cardiovascular failure
1,318 - Lung Cancer
1,132 - Car accidents
904 - World War 2
823 - Burned to death, only ashes remain
110 - Second Hand Smoke
91 - Natural Causes
74 - Drowning
47 - Suicide
26 -
Chatsworth Train Crash
21 - Chatsworth Train Crash Re-Enactment (link)
14 - Other Plane Crashes
7 - Lost at Sea and Presumed Dead
3 - Misc. / Animal Maulings
2 - 1994 Northridge Earthquake

LA County Forensic Investigator Deborah Peterson struggled with the difficult task of attempting to contact next of kin with the news that loved ones most likely survived the initial crash only to die from various other conditions and accidents. "The 14 poor souls that walked away from the crash only to board other aircraft and immediately crash and die just tugs at the heart strings," admitted a somber Peterson. "We should also make it clear that nearly all of these victims must have struggled for air as the crash seems to have left most of them embedded 4-6 feet below the ground. If you have heart problems or you are lost at sea then clearly having to deal with a limited oxygen supply can't be helpful".

The FAA rarely comments without a full investigation but officials have already tipped their hats that a ruling could be made as soon as next week forbidding both private and commercial flights from allowing passengers to lie down in enclosed 'travel boxes'.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Knight Rider's 'Kitt' Scrapped in 'Cash For Clunkers' Program

Hasselhoff Will Get 41 Combined MPG With New Toyota Corrolla
by: Sandee Westfield, (Where Are They Now), 8:30 PM PST

Knight Industries Two Thousand, better know as 'KITT' to the legions of fans who closely followed the Pontiac Firebird Trans Am from 1982 to 1986, is no more. KITT, credited with saving nearly 100 lives with partner David Hasselhoff, is one of the final victims of a popular U.S. car buyback program dubbed "cash for clunkers".

An anonymous source close to Hasselhoff said that the decision was difficult and heart-wrenching for the former Baywatch actor who has since fallen on difficult economic times. "He just couldn't justify the 12 miles to the gallon and the outdated (ATARI) on-board gaming system," said a friend who begged to remain anonymous.

Sources indicate that 'The Hoff' told KITT that he was finally going to get him washed and waxed at that bikini car wash that he had always talked so much about. That's when he snuck into the back driveway of the Toyota dealership, quickly popped the hood, and ripped off the distributor cap. Before KITT could finish repairing himself the crane had already moved into position".

Congressional reports indicate that all vehicles purchased through the government program were crushed within days but it's likely that only one vehicle "begged for their life with a slightly robotic English accent," reported crane operator Manual Acosta. "I think I would have considered letting him go - I mean, he did a sweet burnout before I got the magnet locked onto the roof. But after he shot oil at my rig I kinda figured.... Die Motherfucker; you know". I think the last thing I heard was "Michael don't do this; this isn't funny Michael"

Hasselhoff has reportedly been having second thoughts about the swap for the fuel efficient Corrolla. Despite KITT needing a complete overhaul, transmission service, and attention to the biometric fingerprint sensor, the vehicle still was the sole reason that Hasselhoff received oral sex 2-3 times per week (typically by 30 something nostalgia whores). Friends say that the saddest part is that he still gets up every morning and talks to his watch... the Toyota Corrolla never responds.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Monday, August 17, 2009

50 Millionth Aborted Fetus To Win Trip To Acapulco

All Expenses Paid Trip Will Not Include Drinks

Washington D.C. (CHN): Since the landmark 1973 Roe V. Wade decision, Abortion has been a legal right for women everywhere in America. Planned Parenthood, America's leader in surgical abortions, has provided counseling and birth control since 1916. Now the agency is revving up plans to mark the 50 millionth abortion since Roe V. Wade with an all inclusive prize for the little guy or gal that gives all for the landmark milestone.

"We wanted to do something special for the fetuses; usually our focus is centered just on the women who may need help with birth control or pregnancy planning but we thought we would mark this occasion by giving something back. Without the fetuses we wouldn't have a one billion dollar annual budget and 850 clinics across the country... also, the other reason for the trip, we have extra budget money."

Sixteen year old High School Student Teresa Rodriguez is among the legions of young women who have taken notice of the Acapulco trip, she says that the prize will have some effect on the timing of her upcoming pregnancy and first abortion. "If it happens it's gonna happen; I would want my fetus to win the trip... so yeah, maybe the schedule will work out just right," said a hopeful Rodrigues.

One detail that has critics of the trip to Acapulco fuming is the fact that Planned Parenthood will not be providing any alcoholic beverages on the 10 day trip. "If a fetus is old enough to die for it's mother's well being; it sure as hell ought to be able to have a cocktail," said Mark Christopher, a longtime Right-To-Life organizer.

If the trend of 1.2 million abortions per year holds, the 50 millionth abortion should come through the pike right around Independence Day. "We have a lot of women who have become pregnant in the past few weeks but they are going to hold off on their abortions until they have a legit shot at winning the trip for their fetus," reported Richards. "All I can say is Good Luck Ladies".

Kirk Gibson Still Getting Laid From Walk Off Home Run

Cougars Are Most Likely Candidates

Los Angeles, CA (CHN)- The year was 1988 and the Oakland A's were putting the finishing touches on a game 1 World Series victory over the Dodgers at Chavez Ravine. Dennis Eckersly, one of the game's most prolific all-time closers, was in to take care of business and he was doing just that after registering the first two outs. Little did he know that he was on the wrong side of sports history and was about to serve up a pitch that would lead to a lifetime of undeserved sex for Kirk Gibson.

The Dodger hero sat down with CHN at a local pub to discuss his remarkable home run and to drive home the fact that he has had far more sex than Orel Hershiser, Steve Sax, and Frank Sinatra combined.

"I think that any man who is having difficulty meeting women in Los Angeles should consider playing for the Dodgers and hitting the most memorable home run in baseball history," said an extremely satisfied Gibson.

I'm a modest guy though, I mean I'm sure Neil Armstrong and David from the story about David and Goliath have done just as well as me", said Gibson as he grabbed the hair of the waitress and demanded that she re-enact his universally known double first pump that accompanied his rounding of 2nd base exactly 21 years and 4 months prior.

"You might remember that I had gotten myself into an 0-2 hole; of course nowadays I have access to both holes anytime I want," confided Gibson as he motioned towards the front and rear of a woman who happened to walk by at just the right moment. Gibson continued, "That at bat took over 7 minutes, that's 4 minutes longer than the average man can last." boasted the .268 career hitter as he motioned to his penis with both hands and manually interpreted what was most likely an indication of male orgasm after 7 minutes of various types of sexual intercourse with an unusual emphasis on an ass to mouth money shot.

"I guess its been a good run, you know I only took one at bat the whole series and was still named the MVP; I could point to about 25,000 women within 2 miles of here who would also vote me their MVP after just one contact with my historic bat." Gibson then simulated a full at bat with his fists pressed together at this crouch as if to indicate that his penis was a bat and that he was having difficulty lifting it because of its size and weight.

The interview then ended abruptly as the former slugger graciously grabbed the check and did one final slow motion trot around the bar before leaving with his wife and three children.

George Clooney Realizes That Even Mundane Tasks Are Sexy When He Does It

CHN has purchased a 2006 Diary of Clooney's that was recently stolen by his gardener. The following passages offer remarkable insight into his very personal and private thoughts concerning his struggle with his own feelings about his personal sexiness.

Dear Secret Mystic Ladies of My Enchanted Diary,
Now that summer is coming to a close I have had ample time to try to put Syrianna behind me and reflect on what has been and what should be. I can't help but repeat the burning fact that when I write I hear my own voice with all of it's deep melodic calmness and raspy undertone. Certainly that could explain some of my love for writing. But that in fact is why I join this pen to paper on this fine evening. I realize that I have begun to fall in love with the pure sight of my own hand as its dances across the fine parchment that I grace with the only the most elusive strokes of this $1,800.00 Gold Pen.

As promised I have considered carefully an answer to my own question posed regularly since 1994. What is it that separates me from other men? Why and how did I get this sexy... this desirable? Why me God? Why me indeed.

I have been metastasized with a euphoric calmness to have finally realized the answer to my long and arduous quest. And here is how it happened:

Late yesterday morn, I sensed that a mild friction had occurred as my left elbow brushed sheepishly against the Egyptian Cotton Toilet Paper that was neatly folded in sections next to my Latrine. Just as a precaution, and nothing more, I whipped 2 ounces of organic goat's milk with 1 part pure Aloe and 2 parts Chinamen extract. As I applied the lather to my elbow I couldn't help but to glance in the mirror. That's when I saw it. Here I was dressed in no more than a Prince's Cape circa late Medici period when the answer of all answers came forth:

Even the most heinous and mundane of daily tasks are sexy when I am the one doing them. What man, I ask, could bring a woman to full moisture simply by combing ones hair or faking a motorcycle accident.

Who before us, I ask, is on the mind of every gay man in America when he simply is drinking a cup of espresso or calling an accountant to have his rather excessive balances read back to him on speakerphone during brunch at the Ivy. But such is the case with me; that is my burden and surly it is mine alone. I lament; no one else would understand my plight.... no one else sans you my Mystic Ladies of This Enchanted Diary. To think, I am the only person that God has vanquished to have only himself to think of; to dream of; when pursuing ecstasy and sexual climax.

With that I depart. My touch is needed elsewhere; the silent void of my voice is deafening on the set of Leatherheads. I must quiet that void. Ciao.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Latest "Teacher Seduces Boy' Story Loses Traction; She's Just Not That Hot

CBS News Producer Digs Deep to Fill Out Segment on What Should Have Been a Ratings Smash.
by Tarren Aanika, Media Analyist, 4:45 EST

New York: The morning was off to a great start for CBS Evening News Producer Bill Martens. Shortly after 8am, word was leaked to CBS 4 in Miami that there was an arrest in a "teacher seduces student" case and all of the data looked promising. She (Christine McCallum) was 29, the student just 13. As the story goes she took the boys virginity after liquoring him up following a field trip.

"We opened a bottle of champagne just moments after getting an exclusive with the Miami PD detective that made the arrest" admits Martens. What producer Bill Martens did not know was that Christine McCallum was a butterfaced ratings letdown with about as much sex appeal as a bearded Nun. "The story fell apart the moment we got the head shot... I mean, we're talking tired eyes, thin man lips, and a large round masculine chin that might look good on Mel Gibson..." Martens paused briefly and dejectedly admitted, "I wouldn't do her if I was 13; no wonder she had to get him drunk first."

CBS Correspondent Lara Logan took what was left of the story and made a valiant attempt to re-package it for a tv audience that is instinctively drawn into 'female domination' type sex scandals with the implicit hope that the teacher is hot. "Very simple, we wont show the teacher until the end of the story" says Logan. "By that time we will have run file footage of far more fascinating tales whereas attractive female teachers lured underage boys into locker rooms, buses, or perhaps the occasional kidnapping to Mexico. We certainly are not going to open with an image of this saddlebag ridden, fish headed, hillbilly-slut that made that poor boys first experience a nightmare.

"We can promo during 'Big Brother' with Pamela Turner, the Phys-Ed teacher and coach, who sent lurid video messages to the teenage boy she was biffing. That's a YouTube Video that just keeps on giving" said Logan who continued, "Then we segway to the classic tried and true Mary Kay Letourneau story and quickly tie in the extensive footage we have on Debra LaFave; that's the super hot - young blond that every boy/man in the world wished to God would have sexually 'abused' them at any age. Finally we mix in head shots of Sheral Smith and Teresa Engelbach and we will have stolen 20 minutes of our viewers time before we release the first image of boner killer Christine McCallum". Logan dropped her voice to a whisper,"We use the term 'boner killer' rather carefully around here because Katie Couric seems to just pop in and out of the production room like jackrabbit on smack.

The Miami District Attorney has promised off the record to throw the book at McCallum, who in his words "has no right to be anyone's first sexual experience, nevermind an impressionable 13 year old boy who must have dreamt of sex with a reasonable looking woman... she needs to be put away for a long, long time."

Awkward Family Photos has what you need.

Although this may be the best picture ever taken it is worthwhile to check out some of the almost as good uncomfortable images at Awkward Family Photos...

We welcome Awkward Family Photos to the Comedy Hub Network. You can always get their latest releases from the RSS feed on the Upper Left portion of our Site.

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

CHN: The Comedy Hub Network Greatest Hits

Dear Readers,
Thank you for wasting a little bit of your time to support the collosal waste of time that our writers spend making up bullshit. Here are some of our latest and greatest - so get caught up:

Headline News
Waterpark Provides Likely Opportunity For 12 Yr. Old To See 1st 'Nip Slip'
Latest 'Teacher Seduces Boy' Story Loses Traction; She's Just Not That Hot.
Surgical Mask Fetish Group Officially In 'Heyday'
Pittsburgh makes quadrennial statement: "We are not in running for Olympic Games"
Chatsworth, CA: Train Crash Re-Enactment kills 21
Pentagon Orders 15 Million Tons of 'Mighty Mend-It'
Reunited Cat "Dixie" Promptly Runs Away From Home
LA County Resident: "Told you we were due for a quake"
Police: The Corpse We Found Ended Up Being A Nobody
Kansas and Nebraska Move Forward with Joint Secession Plan

George Clooney Realizes That Even Mundane Tasks Are Sexy When He Does It
He-Man Finally Admits Inappropriate Relationship with Battle Cat 'Cringer'
Joe Jackson Wins Custody; Debuts 'Jackson 3'
Jack Nicholson eyes role of 'Joker' in possible Batman Sequel
Adult Film Industry Can't Ignore "Offshore Drilling" Cliche Opportunities
Gargamel Finally Catches, Rapes Smurfette
George Lucas taking "Clone Wars" Bluff All The Way to Theaters

Dos Equis 'Frontman' Quietly Let Go Following Adult Diaper Revelation
United Airlines Partners with Greyhound to Bring You The Worst Travel Experience of Your Life
Trans Fat Producers Fall On Tough Times
Bernie Madoff Liquidates His Plot in Hell for $126M
Analyst Schedules Steve Jobs Funeral for March 8, 2009
Local Furniture Store Gets 46.2 Billion from TARP
American Airlines to Charge Fee For "All Four Limbs"
Bernanke announces interest rate cut on his Boca Raton Rental Property
33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses

1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster
David Stern: "Two Automatic Overtimes for Remaining Playoff Games"
Yankees Sign NL West to 3 year $922M Contract
Drastic Changes Planned For Angels This Spring
Brett Favre Wins NCAA Ruling; Will Return to Southern Mississippi
Milwaukee Brewers Fan out 4-6 weeks with bruised Ass Hole
Kobe Bryant Agent Pulls AKC Spot Just Prior to Airtime
Angels Pitcher Jared Weaver over-playing 1976 song "Dream Weaver"

50 millionth Aborted Fetus to Win Trip To Aculpoco
Schwarzenegger Explore Non-Conventional Options to Close Budget
Obama Flashes Tits to Curry Favor at Pentagon Meet and Greet
Marines lose confidence in Obama's ability to recognize 2-3 Zone
Clinton shocks on Convention Eve; Chooses Biden as VP
Palin's 4 Month Old Son Trig May Be Preggers
McCain Selects Cute High School Chick For VP
CA Budget to be 'saved' with infusion from Cousin of Nigerian Oil Minister
Bush Suggests Honor Killing of Keith Olbermann
McCain opens wide lead in Senior Presidential Competition
Obama Finally Reaches Climax; Gives Pearl Necklace to Wife Michelle
Clinton claims victory in S. Dakota; Picks Obama as VP
Lesbian Activists to Obama Girl: "Eat Shit.... Die"

Click HERE for the most recent release from the Comedy Hub

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