Thursday, June 17, 2010

David Stern Pre-Schedules Game 7 Overtime

First Automatic Overtime In NBA Finals History Scheduled For Tonight

Los Angeles (CHN): Commissioner David Stern has given the thumbs up for NBA league officials to schedule 4 automatic overtimes for tonight's game 7 between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics. Insiders have reported that TV revenues were way off because of World Cup Coverage and several sweeps during the early rounds of the playoffs. Stern told CHN earlier today that the "NBA does not make scheduling and game formats based on profits; do you realize we own the WNBA?"

The game will begin with two 5 minute overtime periods prior to the first quarter tipoff. All four quarters will be played as usual; an elongated halftime program will included a shootout between recently injured Kendrick Perkins and Lakers assistant coach "Tex" Winter.

The final two overtimes will be played following the fourth quarter, the first is scheduled for 7 minutes or first to 200 points whichever occurs 2nd. The last overtime is being described as an additional 5 game serious between the Cleveland Cavaliers and 1992 Olympic Dream Team anchored by Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson.

The Dream Team has recently announced that it has cut Christian Laettner and has yet to replace him. Assistant Coach Lenny Wilkins spoke on behalf of a dead Chuck Daley by saying "I hope Lebron is ready for a well rested Scottie Pippen and Clyde Drexler".

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

SNL, 5 Classic Commercial Parodies

NBC has done a remarkable job of search and destroy in regard to its epic run of commercials and their ability to be found anywhere online. Many of the best parodies can not be found anywhere and reside deep inside Lorne Michaels puckered asshole. Schmidt's Gay, Steve Martin's All Natural Penis Beauty Cream and Nikey Turkey (Chris Rock's finest moment) can not be found online, but the following 5 are indeed some of the best of the rest.

If you are willing to suffer through the misery of a short ad... Stop reading, hit play:

The Love Toilet

Bad Idea Jeans

Little Chocolate Donuts

Cluckin Chicken

Bug Off

Around the World in 600 seconds...

7-15-10 (CHN)

Tonight the President will speak to the nation about how he hopes to cheer up workers at BP and thank them for their honesty, attention to detail, and clean up efforts (which are most likely complete by now). Investors are hopeful that Mr. Obama will disclose a comprehensive plan to not only stall clean energy sources but to offer support for lagging BP stock prices.

CHN sports now predicts a 4-0 warm-up victory for the North Korean Soccer team who will kickoff its 2010 World Cup run against a largely unknown Brazilian team that is assumed to be underfed and perhaps pre-occupied with recent geopolitical strife back home. It is assumed that the well-endowed bootys of the North Korean women fans will distract the Brazilian players into one or more 'own goals'.

Joran Van Der Sloot has hired a new attorney after his former counsel quit the case. The new attorney, coordinated with the help of Arubian officials, is a 20 year old spring breaker from Tucson, AZ who is on her summer vacation in Peru. Van Der Sloot will meet privately with her in an undisclosed holding cell later this week.

General David Petraeus just passed out during testimony at the Capital. Pentagon officials blame a low defense budget that has forced the military to dilute orange juice with water and to aim more carefully when shooting people to avoid wasted ammo. An aide for the General said that he most likely was just freaked out from looking at John McCain's face up close.

(CHN) Around The World in 600 Seconds is brought to you by 'Slow Readers of America'
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