"Couldn't take the Curious Stares Any Longer"
by: Victoria Wells, CHN Celebrity Report. 12:45 PM PST.
PALM SPRINGS, CA- After a quarter century of speculation, He-Man (Prince Adam of Eternia), has come forward to admit a 30 year love affair with his trusted companion, Cringer the Battle Cat. He spoke openly from his Palm Springs retirement home in hopes of supporting others too afraid to come into the open with their large cat relationships.
"It's not that I was born a gay cat lover; my parents (King Randor and Queen Marlena) raised me in a stable home free from large gay cats that might of taken advantage of me", stated the blond muscleman. "It's just that how long can one ride bareback on a green tiger with nothing more than a loincloth between you and he before... well, sometimes things just happen - I would prefer to leave it at that."
Staff and Associates at the Grayskull Castle responded with a mix of surprise, shock, and acceptance after getting a Twitter update from He-Man just before he went public with the story to national media earlier today.
Long time barber Terry Martin says he never saw it, "I understand the attraction once Cringer has been transformed to "Battle Cat" but otherwise I'm like umm...really He-Man???
Martin is referring to the transition that both Prince Adam and Cringer partake in when trouble arises and superhuman strength is needed. With a raise of his magic sword (not a penis metaphor) Adam chants: "By the power of Grayskull...I HAVE THE POWER!!!" Soon after it is widely believed that he becomes 'the most powerful man in the universe'. He immediately points his sword at Cringer (still not a penis metaphor) and shoots him with his sword (not a money shot metaphor). As a magic bolt of lightening from the sword strikes Cringer in the face, the shy and lazy feline instantly turns into the courageous Battle Cat.
"You know, I never suspected a thing until Episode 84 "Fraidy Cat", said Orko, He-Mans small alien sidekick and longtime confidant. "Late in that episode Cringer was instrumental in finding the correct route to save the Queen from Skeletor's minions so that she could safely come home to Eternia. I think prior to that Cringer was just too submissive to be He-Man's type. Anyone who really knows He-Man will tell you that he likes a strong independent cat that's not afraid to show some teeth once in a while. That's why I for one am not surprised at today's announcement; I just think it was time to come out with it", stated Orko in relief.
"Yeah, I'm not surprised one bit" said Jorge Sandoval who was a cook at Castle Grayskull for 5 months in 1984. "I saw them fucking (missionary) behind the dumpster 6 or 7 times".
For his part, Skeletor had already been on record several times in the past with bestiality accusations concerning Prince Adam/ He-Man. However, because Skeletor and all of his associates are listed as 'Evil', district attorneys refused to bring the case forward figuring it was just another far fetched scheme to take over Grayskull Castle.
As to why he didn't come forward sooner with the relationship, He-Man simply said: "I didn't want parents to stop buying their young boys the inflatable bounce cat (pictured right). Since leaving Eternia in 1992, it's really the only source of income I have", admitted a somber but sexually satisfied He-Man as he gently stroked an aging but mindful Battle Cat in full garb.
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