Monday, June 8, 2009

Schwarzenegger explores Non-Conventional Options To Close CA Budget

Protracted Budget Crisis Leaves Governor and State Legislature with Few Viable Options
by: Rachelle Vicente-Dias CHN Political Team. 3:45 PM PST

Sacramento, CA:
Following last months rejection of several revenue increasing ballot measures, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his staff one clear goal: find ways to save the state money and fast.

CHN has obtained an email from an anonymous staffer who helped narrow the list down to the 20 proposals below that currently sit on the Governor's desk. Schwarzenegger has given fast track to the following:

1. Consider the offer by Long John Silver's to buy naming rights to the entire state for 16.5 million.
2. Tax Free Cigarettes to be sold to spotted owls in exchange for access to valuable old growth forests.
No cop Thursdays.
4. The four guys that stand around while one guy works on all California road and transportation projects will be cut to just four guys standing around.
5. Salary laden public school administrative jobs will be entirely eliminated; no change expected to test scores.
6. "Prevailing Wage" labor rates to be dropped from all State projects in favor of "whatever rate that Mexican will do it for".
7. San Diego beaches to be dug up and shipped to Missouri in exchange for "Show Me State" motto; expected revenue increases described as 'sentimental' .
8. Will temporarily allow USC football team to play in the NFL.
9. Asks California poultry farmers to look really, really hard for a 'golden goose'.
Yosemite National Park to be dynamited/burned (savings to budget still unclear)
11. Formal review to determine cost effectiveness of fire trucks vs. the 'bucket system'.
12. Find out what happened with that check that was supposed to come from the Nigerian Oil Minister's cousin.
13. Order Coast Guard to carefully search for additional islands... warns that he is already aware of Baja California.
14. Asks Cal Berkley economists to get him an honest assessment of the value of ocean water.
15. Announce a 2nd gold rush. Details TBA.
16. Remaster 'Conan The Barbarian' to Blu-Ray. Donate all proceeds to the ailing Department of Sanitation which has been over-run with discarded VHS, laser-disc, and DVDs from Schwarzenegger films for over 25 years.
17. DMV workers to write parking tickets during 'enhanced' 2 hour lunch break.
18. Post office employees encouraged to 'Give a Damn' (even though this is a federal obligation the staff felt it should be included).
19. Expand 'Gas Tax' to include farting.
20. Or forget ideas 1-19 and solve the states fiscal crisis by having the 600,000 incarcerated illegal immigrants replace the 600,000 non-incarcerated illegal immigrants who currently provide for the States Agricultural labor.

(Footnotes: If the public becomes angry, unveil the giant laser that we have been working on; everybody loves lasers)

Additionally, the governor and the state legislature have agreed that because the state is likely to begin defaulting on bond payments and therefore likely to go bankrupt by December that the "Golden State" moniker will have to be replaced with 'The Gold-ish Region South of Oregon but not necessarily Mexico".

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