Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Extremist Math Group Vows Total Eradication Of Logarithms

Exponential Functions To Be Cleansed Forever Says Nerd

CHN - Sweeping support by American 11th grade students and somewhat dumber 12th grade students has been pivotal to the group identified as the 'Fixed #'s' by the Department of Education.

But many straight edge dorks have warned that while the loss of many key mathematical functions sounds attractive in the short term; the long term implications could be entropy and chaos. 

John Napier the inventor of the 'Logarithm' in an undated CHN File Photo
"We know what they are after; their ultimate goal is to fuck with Pi," says Los Angeles County Superintendent Sheila Ramirez. She continued, "That aint happening on my watch! 3.14 is 3.14... End of story. 

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Thursday, July 7, 2011

NASA Budget Confirmed For Journey To Center Of Earth

Agency Is Already Well Behind African Child Miners

Houston (CHN) --  With the Atlantis Space Program coming to an end and nearly all funding gone; NASA is going all in on one last adventure.  "We are heading to a place that no man has been, a place that we were once were very confused about," said NASA administrator and night security guard Charles Bolden. 

Preliminary Testing Just North of Houston Has Already Begun
In many ways this will be similar to past NASA missions and a firm budget of $800.00 has been allocated by Congress.  But with just 10 years to complete the journey, some are wondering if NASA can continue it's hotstreak of success over the last 50 years whereas it went to the moon a few times and then lost the ability to go to the moon.   

"The pressure is on," admitted unpaid intern Lori Garver.  She continued, "This is a mission that people really wondered about many generations ago before we had good scientific data on what the earth was made of".  

Although most of the engineering, design, testing, command and robotic teams have all been laid off, the agency most likely believes that it can meet the challenge ahead. However, CHN staff were unable to confirm that presumption by press time as all calls to the public relations department were answered by Russians aboard the space station.

The expedition is currently slated to begin next winter (when the center of the earth should be cooler) and is expected to consist of digging, wandering through caverns, and digitally remastering several scenes from the 1959 classic film starring James Mason, Pat Boone and Arlene Dahl.

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