Friday, May 27, 2011

Norman Schwarzkopf: "I'm Sitting By The Phone; I Mean, If You Need Anything"

Gulf War Central Commander Would Sort Of Like Everyone To Know He Has Some Extra Time

CHN File Photo of 1991 Normin
Tampa Bay, FL (CHN) - The walls of Norman Schwarzkopf's Florida home are adorned with a myriad of accolades - Silver Star, Bronze Star, Purple Heart; the list goes on. But for the past few months, 'Stormin Normin' (a nicknamed earned during Desert Storm) has been steadfastly waiting by the phone as portions of North Africa and the Middle East have fallen into widespread turmoil.

Schwarzkopf asked CHN to publish the following letter:
To Whom It May Concern,
As you know, I have a reputation for kicking tons of ass in a really short amount of time.  I have bridge on Tuesday afternoon and my grandson has a lacrosse tournament starting the weekend after Memorial Day. 

Aside from those prior engagements, I am ready for any calling that my country requests, so long as I get a nap near 1200 hours and another near 1450 hours. 

A few Weeks ago I joined the group 'Organizing For America' so that I could send the President a quick note. So, I shot that message over on the email and he responded with some message entitled 'We Do Big Things'. This was sent to me in error and should be looked into.

My grand-daughter uplinked me to a direct network called Face book. Face book immediately gave me full clearance. I linked up to the Presidents page within minutes. I broke the ice by posting a picture of Colon Powell and myself taking a nap during a 1990 conference call with Paul Wolfowitz, I assume he is still authenticating that picture before getting back to me. 

The current geopolitical matters seem urgent, so, as mentioned, I am by the phone for any calls initiated between 500 and 1600 hours. 

General Norman Schwarzkopf (Ret)

The General has requested that he be notified by email at for any written responses. 

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook. Twitter. Home.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Pornstar Kylee Strutt Retires To Spend More Time Having Sex Off Camera

Strutt, 20 Minutes Before and 
10 Minutes After Having Sex in 2010
San Fernando, CA (CHN) - Kylee Strutt, an instant success in the online porn industry and former foot fetish model, has announced her retirement, leaving a 36DD redheaded hole in the porn industry.  

The 24 year old accomplished all that she could in a highly competitive industry by getting fake tits and having sex with people on camera.  

"It's been great to just have my name in the same sentence as other prominent stars like Phoenix Marie, Memphis Monroe, Audry Bitoni, Rachel Roxx, Nikki Benz, and any other tags for this blog post," indicated Strutt.

The busty retiree promises to stay in touch with her fans on Facebook and Twitter and to have sex with them if she happens to see them near her bed.  

Where will she go from here? Strutt confesses that she it's just too soon to tell and much to hard to concentrate because she is off camera right now having sex for money. 

CHN. 2011. News Updates: Facebook. Twitter. Home.

Saying Goodby To Kylee Wont Be Easy; Here Are Some Of Her Safe For Work that is if your boss doesn't give a shit about what you do all day:

Sometimes Kylee's Shirt And Bra Could Not Hold Up Her Massive Tits; Forcing Her To Hold Them By Hand

Ms. Strutt Went Back To School In 2009; But Generally Just Had Sex With Teachers While There
Kylee Strutt Never Actually Signed A Pro Contract But Was Reportedly Sought By Billie Bean For Her Incredible On Base Percentage

It Has Been Widely Reported That If You Ever Get Tired Of Kylee's Breasts That You Should Stop Complaining And Go Ahead And Have Sex With Her Butt

File Footage: Kylee And Breasts Exercising in 2010

There Is Nothing Funny About How Bad You Want To Motorboat

A low Point For Kylee's Career Came After She Was Let Go From Cedar Sinai For Not Being A Real Doctor

(Vintage Porn) Before Cell Phones Were Given To Pornstars. 

Ball Play

Strutt Once Wore This Dress For A Picture In 2008

They Tried To Fire Strutt From The Hospital in 2007 But She Sat Like This A Lot... So You Know
    Who is this?
Kylee messaged CHN last week and said that she probably wont return to porn but she did like our article.  Leave her a message in the comments below and we will forward them and beg her to return. 

Diligent research for this story made possible by:

Monday, May 9, 2011

Greece Applies For Capital One Credit Card After Viewing Clever Alec Baldwin Commercial

Platinum Prestige Balance Transfer Rate Expected To Ease Debt Crisis
CHN File Photo: Picture of a drawing of the Greek Flag
Athens (CHN) -  President Karolos Papoulias has officially notified the European Union regarding plans to increase the nation's credit capacity while transferring some existing debt through a recent online application for a Capital One Platinum Prestige Card. 
The move, prompted by the latest S&P credit downgrade on the Balkan Peninsula country to 'credit watch negative'; is expected to generate between $2,500.00 and $5,000.00 ($U.S.) in new credit capacity.  The decision follows a well placed television advertisement during halftime of yesterdays PAOK Salonik 2 to 1 victory over Panathinaikos.

President Papoulias and Prime Minister Giorgos Papandreou are said to have been absolutely enamored with Alec Baldwin's portrayal of a popular Hollywood Actor turned credit card pitchman. However, the deal stalled for several hours as the Greek Finance Minister determined that the card did not allow for custom images, as previously used on the nations existing maxed-out credit card through Discover.

Public Unions have already expressed dissatisfaction with the deal, citing the lack of cash back and mileage package bonuses for purchases made at gas stations and restaurants.   

European Union Member Nations are expected to ratify approval for the debt solution package in the coming days; as of press time there was no official word on Greek plans to walk away from a 5-year ARM taken out on the Islands of Kythera and Antikythera.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg Ready To Try Sex

After Reading Through 1000's Of User Chat Messages and Private Emails The Internet Magnate Thinks It's Time'

Zuckerberg: "It's nasty time"
Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - In 2008 Mark Zuckerberg became the youngest billionaire in the world and at 24 years of age one of the older virgins. Now at age 27, the man that lifted the Facebook concept from his fellow Harvard buddies, believes that his reclusive lifestyle of sexual androgyny has run its course.

In preparation for the big day, Mr Zuckerberg is planning to stop sweating so much, use the Clearasil that his mom sent, and to research how to grow pubic hair.

"As far as process - I have that down," says Zuckerberg. "I mean I probably could have done that at age 22.  Kiss the mouth, touch the boobs, ask her to please turn around, and then ask a few questions about her sexual history and std's". 

He continued, "I mean anyone can get to that point, the real battle is how to do that 'fake fight thing' where she calls you an obnoxious jerk and uses that old line about how your penis is so small I wouldn't even know what to do with it.  From what I am hearing; that seems to be a request for anal".

So who might the lucky girl be? The depraved bachelor tells CHN that he has had his eye on a particular young lady for some time and he is very close to approaching her and asking for sex again.  

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Biden Releases OBL Kill Photo on Facebook

(CHN) 7:35 EST: Sources Indicate That The VP Slept Through This Morning's Intel Briefing.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Obama, The Taste Of Blood Still Fresh In This Mouth, Slays 18,000 Mexican Drug Operatives

Southern Border Cleaned Up Overnight By 44th U.S. President

El Paso, TX (CHN) - Just four days after U.S. Navy SEALs brought Osama bin Laden, the FBI's most wanted man, to justice; President Barack Obama raised the bar by personally tracking down and systematically executing several thousand Mexican drug cartel leaders and subsidiaries along the U.S. - Mexican Border Tuesday Night. 

No civilians were harmed in the operation.

Following a pre-scheduled DNC fundraiser, Obama is said to have slipped quietly into the night without notifying secret service, wife Michele, or Mexican President Felipe Calderón in fear that the drug runners might be tipped off. 

Make-shift Morgues Have Been Established From 
Corpus Christi to Tijuana

Instead, the only warning that most had prior to death were the curdling death screams of those around them as the President rounded up the Mexicans via 22 remote control Abrams Tanks linked by guided tactical intelligence relays from unmanned drones synced to his blackberry.

The mission, planned on a cocktail napkin by the President during a long-winded speech by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, marked the official end of multi-century lawless smuggling and human trafficking in the region.

The killings, merciless in nature,  are said to have been 'completed with his bare hands," according to sole survivor Manuel Espinoza, who was handcuffed to the decapitated bodies of his father and four brothers on top of a neatly stacked 2,500 ton cache of cocaine, crystal methamphetamine, and Viagra 20 miles south of Tucson, AZ.

The President, who clearly worked with speed and accuracy, did pause long enough to inscribe 'Please Process' (in blood) on Espinoza's forehead.

Obama is set to resume with the Official Schedule Wednesday, meeting the 2011 Woman's NCAA Champion Minnesota Duluth Ice Hockey Team on the White House lawn just after he is finished cleansing traces of the disemboweled bandits from his hands and shoes. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Al-Zawahri Declines Al-Qaeda Promotion, Elects To Retire

(CHN) - Former #2 Will Take Credits On Sick Days and 401B Retirement Payout In Lieu of Being Shot In The Face By Navy SEALs
CHN File Photo: Ayman al-Zawahri burping in 2008

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