Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Congress Passes Landmark Bill To Replace Electoral College With ESPN Sportsnation

New System Will Allow People To Vote At Work While They Are On The Internet Anyway

Capitol Hill (CHN) - As expected, legislation to completely overhaul America's election system and fundamental basis of existence has been quickly passed after 30 minutes of deliberation.  The final vote of 432-3 was registered just prior to lunch. 

The entire bill from conception to final vote took just two days as California Congressman Brian Bilbray sent a text message to an ESPN web developer that was friends with his daughter asking, "Hey could this be used for any kind of voting?"  Moments later the text was reportedly answered, "Sure, I guess".  

Congressman Bilbray had big thoughts after voting firmly 
against assumed Pollack Rob Gronkowski

ESPN's Andy Katz confirmed that the sports news network had been contacted but that he has "absolutely no idea how any of this will work; except that it will likely be perfectly simple, easy, and accurate".  

Admirers of the electoral college are expected to release a slow and partly accurate statement through an ancient and complicated system of communication sometime next month.

CHN. All Rights Reserved 1861-1864.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Penis Tree Found

Local Lesbian Strikes Gold

Philadelphia, PA (CHN) - Botanist Rachel Orcutt, longtime curator of the Fairmount Park Horticultural Center, has been on a very specific hunt for the better part of three decades.  A penis hunt to be exact.

"Many have found satisfaction with cucumbers and bananas but those wonderful foods were not the answer for me," explained Orcutt to CHN.

Orcutt has been searching for an organic replacement to the male penis for most of her adult life
So where is the penis tree located?

"My lips are sealed," says Orcutt.  But after a few moments of silence she added "I mean, some of my lips are sealed".

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

EU Leaders Solve Debt Crisis But Worry About Long Term Costs Of Selling Children To Gypsies

Crisis Averted On Final Day Of Talks

French PM Sarkozy Delivers A Down Payment
BRUSSELS (CHN) - European leaders have finally capped debt woes that began in Greece two years ago and spread to other larger economies, most notably Italy. The latest bout of turmoil to afflict the Eurozone came last week after Italian and Spanish Governments had to pay significantly more to get investors to part with their cash via bond sales. 

"The final scenerio of selling off the children was really the only option we had all along," said German Chancellor Merkel. Other ideas floated this week included plans for the eurozone's six AAA-rated nations to pool their resources via a joint bond to provide a series of weekly Groupons to it's most indebted members. 

Also under consideration was a fast-track move to install Government controlled crack cocaine vending machines throughout public school systems. Germany is still pushing for a combination of those settlements in return for selling their children, a burden that some German voters believed to be unfair. 

Critics of the plan see larger issues; "The danger of selling 40-50 million children all at once is that the final sell cost per child will drop far below current value," says BNP Paribas analyst Mark Andrews.  "Greek and Italian Children should have been carefully sold at market demand starting in 2008; so now you have an oversupply of children coming to the Gypsy market along with the larger issue of Spanish and Portuguese children fetching lower prices because they are dumber and dirtier," explained Andrews before adding "even Gypsies have standards". 

Gypsy Leaders Celebrate Their First Ever Legal Transaction 
Labor leaders were warm to the final arrangement that will allow retirement ages and pension packages to remain untouched throughout EU member states. 

Back in the U.S. the Obama administration has urged support for the plan but has not indicated any specific help other than administrative for final dealings with the Gypsy leaders.  Critics of the plan say that default is still on the horizon because the Gypsy population has little or no cash on hand and because you simply can't deal with Gypsies.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Politics: 29 Of Herman Cain's Illegitimate Children Come Forward

Group Represents Nearly All Of Cain's Offspring Currently Living In Eastern Kentucky

Cain Descendents Trace Heritage To A Weekend Fast Food Convention In 1978 And An Overnight Stay At A Marriot Following A Flat Tire In 2002

Friday, November 18, 2011

Cod Liver Oil Enters Year 62 of Sales Slump

General Disappearance of 'Rickets' And Growing Respect For Children's Desires Seen As Key Factors

File Photo: Cod Liver Oil Bottle Filled With Urine
Nova Scotia, Canada (CHN) - It was once described as 'The Cure All of Cure All's', but the last six decades have been nothing but agony for North America's cod liver oil industry.

"I think it was Shakespeare that started that book 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'... I have to tell you, it's been the worst of times for a really long time," said Niles Herring, fourth generation cod liver oil businessman.

"This industry was a gold mine," said Herring as he looked back on old family photos from the early 20th Century. 

In the company's heyday, prior to mid-century, Herring's family had 600 employees and four factories.  

"Now all that's left is the old fish gutting tables and a broken down 1961 Mack Delivery Van.  I should probably sell whats left for scrap, but I would have to share any proceeds with 28 extended family members that still hold shares in the company," says Herring. 
"All we had to do back then was put some black and white photos of kids drinking this stuff right next to the cigarette adds in Life Magazine; now the only advertising we do are free adds on Craigslist where we pretend to offer erotic Asian massage as a method to build credibility with new customers." - Niles Herring
But unlike many business's that have seen factories move abroad for cheap foreign labor or easier access to prostitutes; the cod liver oil industry seems to tell a much larger story about Western culture and it's many failures.

We used to force a spoonful down the throat of every child in the neighborhood," remembers Edna Cartwright, an 86 year old great grandmother of 9.  Mrs. Cartwright, like many of her 'Greatest Generation' counterparts handled child rearing 'a little bit different'.  "We gave em what was good for them," shouted Cartwright in a no-nonsense tone, "None of this sugar pop, video games, and a first blowjob by the age of 15".  

During Better Times, The Cod Liver Oil Industry Was The Primary Method Of Pissing Off Kids
Herring and his defunct family business seem to agree; "It's a change of culture and values," Herring continued, "Even with today's high levels of Mercury; kids should still have at least one spoonful of fish oil forced on them from each person over the age of 40".

When asked why he never entered the lucrative fish oil capsule business Herring seemed to accidentally spill coffee on his crotch and then ran out of the room.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Breaking News: Sandusky Cleared Of All Charges Following Costas Interview

Pennsylvania Grand Jury 'Feels Terrible' For The Pain They Must Have Caused Mr. Sandusky

State College, PA (CHN) - A long list of mea culpas will be going out today following the complete clearing of long-time Penn State Defensive Coordinator and Founder of 'The Second Mile' Youth Charity.

Sandusky, came completely clean with Bob Costas
Jerry Sandusky had been mistakenly charged with a litany of child rape and sex abuse charges spanning a 15 year time frame just last week.

In a telephone interview with NBC's Bob Costas Mr. Sandusky finally broke down and told all:
"I could say I have done some of those things...I have horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts. I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact."
 When pressed, the 67-year-old Sandusky said the only thing he did wrong was having "showered with those kids."

Just a few hours after the interview, and after a short follow up phone call with Bob Costas,  the Grand Jury Indictment and all charges were formally dropped by embarrassed prosecutors who now have a lot of apologizing to do to Mr. Sandusky.

McQueary And Paterno Back At Practice Tuesday
"I knew this whole thing was bullshit from the get go," said Penn State Alumnist Charles DeWitt. "For days we've been having candlelight vigils, donating money to child protective services, and we even wore blue to Saturday's football game... What a complete waste of time," concluded DeWitt. 

"I'm so glad to hear that the 8 victims described in the original indictment and the 10 others that have come forward this week are all liars," said re-instated Penn State University President Graham Spanier who was initially fired for generally not giving a shit about kids being raped.

But Spanier was not the only person relieved to find out that Sandusky was completely innocent of all wrongdoing.  Mike McQueary, who initially reported seeing Sandusky 'anally rape' a young boy in the Penn State shower facility, was also glad to find out that he was mistaken.

"In retrospect, I thought that I had witnessed Sandusky raping children on several occasions that I never even spoke about or reported.  He continued, "The relief to know that I was either just seeing things, or that someone else was raping those kids... well, it really takes a load off my shoulders."

Joe Paterno will retake the Penn State Sidelines this week as the Nittany Lions go on the road against Ohio State.  Those close to Paterno say that he plans to achieve 'complete and total retribution' against the University Trustees that fired him via a phone call prior to last weeks loss to Nebraska.  It is assumed that Paterno also has rescinded all thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families as has Penn State Faculty and Students.

The mothers of Victims #1-18 have refused to respond to CHN as of press-time; it is assumed that any remarks from them would be a complete fabrication. 

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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Playboy Hires NASA Scientists To Help With Lohan Picture Touch Ups

NASA's Most Audacious Challenge Since Consulting On Apollo 13 Movie 

Beverly Hills, CA (CHN) -  Playboy Enterprises Inc. has joined with the National Aeronautic and Space Agency to find a method to legitimately display images of Lyndsay Lohan in a glamor magazine. NASA agents were somewhat familiar with the subject as they had previously used the Hubble telescope to spy on Lohan's tits back when she was 17 and hot.  

Some photos will actually be "photo-shopped together with images of Hugh Hefner because of the similarity in color and skin texture," according to NASA project specialist Omar Odwalli.  

The issue is due to hit newsstands within the next 9 years at a budget forecast of 3.2 trillion dollars.

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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

What Are We Are Doing To Delay Engagements?

Men Trying Older Proven Methods As Well As Contemporary Ideas To Prevent Marriage

Gottman Relationship Institute (Seattle, WA) - A struggling economy, generational shifts in marriage, and the likely possibility of sluts in the neighborhood has pushed the average age for first marriages from 19 in 1950 to 26 in 2011. 

Displaying the fetal position (especially in public) continues to be a trusted response to any female request

National relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains that men are having more and more success stringing women along thanks to information sharing on Facebook and other social networks.
"After thousands of years with nearly no communication between their male counterparts; men have begun to work together to develop methods to fend off marriages; the results have been remarkable," concluded Mr. Gottman. 

Other conclusions from Gottman confirm that the availability of sluts in both cities and rural areas along with the advent of free unlimited porn can keep men satisfied for most of their adult lives.  But Gottman does agree that most men will need to settle down eventually for the purpose of geriatric care and for the raising of any children that can be tied to men via DNA evidence. 

Until that day comes; Gottman shares his Top 9 methods to delay engagements with CHN readers:

  1. Mention the growing desire to restart that porn website idea that had so much promise in 2002
  2. Stare at waitresses asses 50% longer than previously
  3. Pets all seem to be dying on your watch
  4. Stare at waitresses tits 75% longer than last weeks 30% increase
  5. Spend a lot more time huddled into a corner of the attic listening to New Kids On The Block
  6. Let those unemployment checks go ahead and run out 
  7. Have kids with past girlfriends/wives
  8. Invite your mother over to review girlfriends cleaning habits
  9. Incontinence

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Saturday, October 29, 2011

David Freese Realizing That New Corvette Only Allows Him To Bang One Chick At A Time

Requesting To Swap The MVP Prize With Some Sort Of Bus/Van

Freese, above, had no way to know how much sex he was going to be 
offered when he accepted the Chevy Corvette

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ghost Of Gaddafi 'Far Less Frightening' Than Libyans Anticipated

Former Leader's Ghost Showing Up In Well Lit Areas And Generally Singing Rather Benign Aretha Franklin Songs

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates:  Facebook.*  Twitter * Home

Business: Top 10 Signs Your Employees Are Having Sex On Your Desk

10.  Rolodex Looks Disheveled Every Monday

9. Various Sets of Breast Imprints Keep Showing Up On Your Monitor

8.  Phone Earpiece Has Some Really Wierd Goo On It

7.  Used Condoms In Your Coffee Cup

6. Web History Shows Extremely Romantic Playlist On Netflix.  You Don't Have Netflix.

5. Un-Used Condoms Under Your Label Maker And In Every Desk Drawer

4. Shredder Basket Always Seems To Be Full Of Shredded Underwear

3. Your Stapler Is Sticking Out Of Your Receptionist's Butt

2. Every Time You Come Back To The Office Everyone Is Smoking Cigarettes

1.  Jizz Everywhere

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates:  Facebook.*  Twitter * Home

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Barack Obama Keeps Checking With Extended Family To See If His Name Should Have One 'R' or Two.

Prayer Changes Fucking Up All Kinds Of Shit At Local Church

Catholic Parishioners Believe That Third Edition Of Roman Missal May Be Bullshit

Culver City, CA (CHN)— It has some traditions that are over a thousand years old, but now the Catholic Church is undergoing a remodel of some of it's most basic weekly rituals. Familiar words said within Catholic mass will indeed soon change with the adaptation of the third edition of the Roman Missal, a book that dictates Sunday service's worldwide. 

File Photo:  LA Cardinal Roger Mahoney who
 has still never gone to jail as of presstime
"I don't know a lot yet," said longtime church member Phil Gardner, "but I understand that it's going to bring some of the Latin phrasing back and change the translations to several parts of the responsorial prayers."

He continued, "This will likely result in a lot of fucked up responses and confusion, I mean was God listening last week when we all apparently said the wrong damn thing?"

Mr. Gardner does not seem to be alone. Saint Peter elementary student Martina Rios told CHN that she basically "just sort of figured out what is happening at Church, and now I have to learn all sorts of new fucking bullshit."

Janet Garcia,  a 66 year old member of the Saint Josephs Choir, had a firm message for church leadership, "I think that the Pope should have sent us a picture of his balls along with this bullshit request to change the Church Service. After six decades of consistent prayer it seems to me that it would require a huge set of fucking balls to ask me to change my weekly regiment."

An undisclosed Vatican Survey from 2006 seems to be behind the new Missal. However, the request to re-translate historic Latin text seems to have been one of the lesser requests by English speaking Catholics worldwide who have long been struggling with controversial policy such as birth control.

Thirteen year old Altar-Boy Niel Salmons says that the changes he would most support are, "the shortening of Mass to 30 minutes and to not relocate priests accused of anal rape to other congregations where they will likely continue to perform anal rape on children".

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dolphin Intelligence Questioned After Failed Tracheotomy Operation On Snorkler

Botched Surgery Proves 'Less Than Satisfactory' Understanding Of The Otolaryngological Procedure

Marina Del Rey, CA (CHN) - A pod of 6 Pacific White-Sided Dolphins en-route from Alaska to Baja California may have given experts all the information they need regarding the decades long question surrounding the intelligence of dolphins. 

The scene played out right in front of local beach-goers Tom and Nancy McClellan who noticed a snorkler struggling to stay afloat after a rogue wave pushed him hard into the rocky surf and then pulled him offshore.  "We knew he was in trouble when we saw that wave coming in. He must have gone under for 30 seconds or so before those good for nothin' dolphins brought him to the surface and performed unsuccessful surgery on his windpipe".  

Developed Photos From The Divers Camera Likely 
Shows The 6 Dolphins That Set Back The Entire Species
In the end the McClellan's were right; the diver did not survive the multi-hour ordeal and now local residents have had to admit that dolphins (and sea mammals in general) may not be as 'smart' as once thought.  

Coast Guard Captain Monty Stern was on his break just South of Venice Beach when 2 of the dolphins approached from his starboard bow and frantically started performing flips and high pitched squeaks.  

File Photo From TV's Baywatch
"It was pretty annoying," recalls Stern who said "the fish kept swimming out and then back, back and forth like they really wanted me to follow them".  

Ninety minutes later Stern was one of the first to reach the injured diver after an additional dolphin and a Grey Whale pushed his 22' cruiser to within site of the accident victim. 

Preliminary autopsy reports show that the cause of death was trauma and a crushed larynx. The diver has not been identified at press time pending next-of-kin notification.  

The Los Angeles Coroners Office has confirmed that the dolphins tried to perform an emergency tracheotomy. "Honestly this is probably the worst thyroid cartilage incision I have seen in recent years," said Coroner Greg Faulk.  He continued, "Everything I see here confirms what witnesses on site viewed; a generally non-sterile procedure performed by poorly trained Cetacean's".

Successful Operation Requires Delicate Incisions And Fine Motor 
Skills According To Human Surgeons

"Suffice to say, we are disappointed and shocked,"  admitted Marine Biologist Herb Crooner.  While the dolphins did do some things right such as protecting the vocal folds and stabilizing the tracheal rings; the fact is humans have been able to perform this surgery for nearly 100 years and for almost 50 years without high incidence of infection.  "I guess some people might be happy to say that a fish is as smart as humans were in the year 1900, but I don't think that's going to get more people through the gates at SeaWorld".

But ten year old boogie border Skyler Crane disagreed.  "The dolphins tried really hard to save the man who couldn't talk".  "They swam to me and pushed me over to help, but I was kind of scared".  "One of the Dolphins pushed my board under the man to keep him up while the others opened his neck and put a piece of wood or a straw into his neck.  Right before the man stopped moving one of the dolphins pushed my hand to touch the man's hand and he squeezed it. Then the dolphins swam around us very slowly and then they swam away when the boat came".

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates:  Facebook.*  Twitter * Home

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