Wednesday, June 25, 2008

McCain opens wide lead in Senior Presidential Competition Bracket

by Phoenix Marie 6:15 PM est.
Comedy Hub Political Analyst

Tuscon, AZ:
The McCain camp awoke this morning to some excellent polling data that reveals a 36 point lead over his nearest competitor in the Senior Bracket (ages 70-80). The three day Rasmussen poll surveyed 1000 likely voters and indicates that McCain and at least four others may have a clear path to the White House this November. The other notable age bracket leaders include: Abigal Breslin (12), Jenna Jameson (33), Barack Obama (48), Angela Lansbury (83).

Jameson is facing stiff competition from 39 year old unemployed steel worker Frank Castenada of Toledo, Ohio. "Frank cannot possibly represent our age bracket because by the time he takes office he would have only 3 months left to represent our 30-40 year old constituency" said Jameson's media correspondent Nikki Benz.

Presidential Race Chairman Ryan
Seacrest hopes that turnout this November will reach an all time high with the introduction of text voting and seven separate age brackets. "We want to thank everyone who is running and to once again thank all contestants no matter how old, young, or completely unqualified you may be" Seacrest added.

Heavy criticism from the
Agibal Breslin camp has continued to plague the race committee whom thus far will not waiver on the 18 year old minimum voting age. Race Officials are set to meet next month to attempt a cooperative truce to the situation. Sources say that the possibility of disqualifying voters over age 80 may be the only solution.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Rumor Has It That Some People Missed This You Tube Classic

"Vader Sessions" is kind of a must see....

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Milwaukee Brewers Fan out 4-6 weeks with bruised Ass Hole

by Savannah Stern Comedy Hub Writter
11:45 AM EST.

Long time season ticket holder and verbally abusive super fan Alex Wanger announced last Thursday that he is on the disabled list after a freak accident in the section C Men's Bathroom during the 5th inning of the Brewers 5-1 loss to the Cincinnati Reds.

Wanger who prides himself on telling Reds slugger Adam Dunn that his mother is a Walrus slipped on an overturned basket of garlic fries as he attempted to return to his seat prior to Dunn's at bat with the Brewers down just 3-1.

Team Doctor Shinzi Lynn reports that Wanger will suffer no permanent damage to his ass hole rim but should be in significant discomfort during his next 100-115 bowel movements.
Dr. Lynn suggested that Wanger stick to softer foods like Carnation Ice Cream and soft frozen lemenade.

Wanger will be re-assigned to AAA Nashville for rehab. He will attempt 20 minutes of sitting and heckling July 10th against the Memphis Redbirds.

"If all goes well we will have him back where we need him by August 1st" reports Brewers manager Ned Yost. "The stats don't lie we are 433-827 with Wanger in the stands and just 1-4 without him; we need him back quickly.... sore ass hole or not" a concerned Yost concluded.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Pentagon First Female Four-star General Nominee 'Not Necessarily Lesbo'

by: Nikki Benz 9:00 am EST
Comedy Hub Political Analyst

- America's first female four-star general has been nominated, the Pentagon announced Monday. Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody was nominated to be America's first four-star female general. President Bush nominated Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody to serve as head of the Army's supply arm. 

By law women are excluded from combat jobs mostly because bull dykes do not fall within the current don't ask don't tell policy. Combat jobs are the typical path to four-star rank in the military.

"This is an historic occasion for the Department of Defense and I am proud to nominate Lt. Gen. Ann Dunwoody for a fourth star", said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "Her 33 years of service; likely heterosexual in nature, have been highlighted by extraordinary leadership and devotion to duty, making her exceptionally qualified for this senior position."

Dunwoody, a native of New York, was commissioned as a second lieutenant in 1975 after her graduation from the State University of New York in Cortland which is not particularly identified as a "gay heaven" according to Pentagon sources. She also holds graduate degrees in national resource strategy and logistics management which raises absolutely no eyebrows.

"I am very honored but also very humbled today with this announcement," said Dunwoody. "I grew up in a family that didn't know what glass ceilings were. This nomination only re-affirms what I have known to be true about the military throughout my career ... that the doors continue to open for men and women in uniform. Keep in my mind, I have said nothing about closets whatsoever". Lt. Dunwoody was accompanied only by longtime friend Volga Magnuson.

The Senate must approve the nomination but it is not clear what type of scrutiny they will give to Dunwoody's strong jaw, dykee haircut, or deep raspy voice.

Currently, there are 57 active-duty women serving as generals or admirals, five of whom are lieutenant generals or vice admirals, the Navy's three-star rank, according to the Pentagon. "The vast majority of these three-star active-duty women have nothing concrete on their record indicating that they muff dive on the job or while on leave," boasted Secretary Gates.

The military has struggled for years to find uses for women other than mass circle jerks, groping, and unreported rape.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Jib Jab Video link list

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Clips from the new "GI Joe" Movie

Word has finally hit the streets that the Full production movie "GI JOE" will be in theaters rather soon. The following clips have been released to the Comedy Hub... by mistake.

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Top 3 Japanese Game Show Videos

In honor of ABC's new Show "I survived a Japanese Game Show" we have assembled three of the best real Jap Game Show Clips. Why would they mess with the real deal?

Human Tetris

Wacky Olympics

This is What Deal Or No Deal Is Missing

Thanks to the fellas over atf for these videos

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Monday, June 9, 2008

Kobe Bryant Agent Pulls AKC Spot Just Prior to Airtime

By Micheal Yen 6:60 PM est
Comedy Hub Roving Reporter

With The NBA Finals in full swing and NBA MVP Kobe Bryant now favorably positioned to regain lost sponsorships, agent Sandee Westgate has decided to sever Kobe's relationship with a few "2nd tier" advertisers.

"Kobe has long supported the American Kennel Club (AKC) but it would be inappropriate for him to continue with the ad campaign that was established prior to Mr. Bryant receiving the MVP award". Westgate added, "The MVP and return to the Finals have helped most people forget about the 2004 Rape Trail in which my client had sex with a whorish hotel worker in Colorado".

"Sprite, McDonalds, and Hanes have all been in contact with us this past month" added Bryant's agent, "the days of signing autographs for kids and attending local mall openings should finally be over, God willing".

Bryant's scheduled campaign for the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship in Long Beach, CA was set to air in early July. Ironically it had been rumored that AKC officials may have already been considering pulling the ad in which Kobe and 3 year old Grand Champion Maltese "Cosette" (Cosi) share a 45 second split screen speaking sequence.

According to unnamed sources Bryant lacked obedience and concentration during filming and seemed to have a problematic itch of his right ear. There is no word as of print time if Bryant will still throw out the first biscuit at the event that draws dog lovers and legions of gays from around the Pacific Southwest.

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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Obama Finally Reaches Climax; Gives Pearl Necklace To Wife Michelle

Chicago (CHN) - After the longest primary battle in either parties history Barack Obama has finally closed the deal. Sources say that with Hillary Clinton finally off his mind he delivered a long awaited gift to wife Michelle; a huge pearl necklace.

"I had been saving it for some time," remarked a physically spent Barack. "I think Michelle and I both were surprised by the size and color".

The light blue necklace was a surprise for Michelle who had only been given standard white pearls in the past. "Lets just say it's great to finally have him to myself now that Hillary is out of the way. He knows that he can give me a pearl necklace anytime.... but this one was special for a number of reasons; he obviously had been holding out for some time based on the sheer magnitude," admitted Michelle.

AP Reporter Tera Patrick asked Barack if he gave Michelle the necklace in front of the girls. Barack appeared taken back by the question, "do you mean in front of my daughters"?

Michelle interrupted, "It was a private moment just between the two of us"

When asked if blue pearls ran in the family Barack failed to recall if his father had ever given a pearl necklace to his mother. "My father left when I was very young, but I think I would have remembered something that significant".

Clinton claims victory in South Dakota; Promptly Picks Obama as VP

by Priya Rai 8:44pm. est.
Comedy Hub Staff Editor

In a strange turn of events that has left even her closest supporters puzzled, Hillary Clinton has announced that she has selected Barack Obama as her Vice Presidential running mate. The news came as Clinton was surrounded by supporters who thought they were present to witness the former first lady concede the DNC nomination to Mr. Obama. Obama officially breached the required number of delegates necessary to win the primary on Tuesday night and essentially claimed victory in St. Paul Minnesota later that evening. But just 22 hours after Obama's victory speech Mrs. Clinton gave her own victory speech and one upped Obama who has not yet chosen a VP candidate.

Clinton’s remarks were brief and candid stating simply: "I accept the nomination of this party and confer with the great state of South Dakota that I should and will be the Democratic Nominee for President. After careful consideration, I have chosen a young, inexperienced, and largely unprepared Senator from Illinois as my Vice Presidential Candidate". Clinton then scurried off the stage and disappeared quickly by motorcade.

Although the press did not have an opportunity to question Mrs. Clinton after the 40 second speech; Bill Clinton, accompanied by girlfriend Gina Gershon, talked privately with reporters after the crowd of 3,200 had thinned out. Mr. Clinton admitted that his wife's decision to stay in the race was difficult. "It came down to simple math; what better way to win the White House than to take the rightful nominee and make him your running mate..... how could you find a more qualified Vice Presidential candidate then the actual Presidential Candidate from your own party". Clinton continued "You're questioning me but the real news is that John McCain is shaking in his boots" argued a defiant Mr. Clinton.

Several calls to the Obama camp have gone unreturned thus far leaving Democrats across the nation puzzled and somewhat pimp slapped by Mrs. Clinton's decision.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

American Airlines to Charge Fee For "All Four Limbs"

Ticket Hike Follows Up-charges On Baggage, Meals

AMR (7.32, +0.32, +4.6%) parent company of American Airlines announced Wednesday Morning that the long discussed four limb $85.00 fee would go into affect as of June 20th. The fee is said to have been in the works since Sept. 11, 2001 and should offer "another layer of protection against foreign threats" according to the official media release. Typically other airlines follow suit with new fees within days thus giving frequent fliers little choice but to ante up to the increased costs.

American's official press release cited "terror threats" as the primary reason behind the hike, stating that "we learned from 911 that terrorists seeking to attack America always select young strong Arab men with all four limbs... while we acknowledge that not all four limbers are terrorists we cannot discount the risk to our passengers or our proud nation"

Oklahoma City resident Jenna Jameson was less than excited to be smacked with the new fees upon arrival at Will Rogers (OKC) Airport. "It makes traveling a bit harder to swallow but if it's a national security issue then we just have to take it, no matter how hard or deep they stick it to us". Although Jameson had a malformed right forearm and hand she did not challenge the four limb stipulation that apparently can only be waived with the presentation of a full body MRI from an American Airlines accredited hospital.

"We have had the old 'oops didn't realize my arm was hidden inside my jacket' routine one too many times" said JFK ticketing agent Brianna Banks.

Danielle Derek was one of many international travelers that was notified of the new fee halfway through her trip. While in Ireland, American contacted her via email to inform her of the retroactive ticket fee add on for her already ticketed return flight home. "I can't say I was excited but it did give me piece of mind that if something should happen to one of my limbs before the flight back to LAX... well ya know $85.00 difference"

American Airlines CEO Conrad Crashow (pictured right) admitted that the new "four limb fee" of $85.00 was significant but balked at the idea that the cost was equivalent to an arm and a leg. "If that was the case" Crashow quipped "They would not owe the fee beyond their first flight under the new price structure"

Speculation that American was simply trying to cover record jet fuel costs that are adding billions to 2nd quarter costs was met with blank stares from AMR executives during this morning's media junket. Some critics have already claimed that AMR may be targeting business from soldiers freshly returned from Iraq. When asked if the company was simply trying to save weight on flights Mr. Eisner rebuked that such a notion had not crossed his mind but he did admit that many AMR passengers would have some extra leg and shoulder room if the passenger they were sitting next to had one or more limbs missing.

Additionally, Crashow promised that by June 20th the website would allow online ticket purchasers to select seating next to "limb challenged" customers. Four limbed passengers could sit next to one, two, or three limbed passengers for an additional $10, $15, or $20 respectively. Mr. Crashow feels that this type of value and attention to detail is what separates American Airlines from discount carriers such as Southwest
(LUV 13.52, +0.53, +4.1%) and Jet Blue (JBLU 4.02, +0.15, +3.9%) .

Lesbian Activists to Obama Girl: "Eat Shit..... Die"

by Franklin Simms, 6:32 est.
Comedy Hub Staff Editor

As Barack Obama's puts the final touches on his DNC primary victory one of his most outspoken fans has come under fire for her overt femininity. Dubbed "Obama Girl" first by herself and then by the masses on You Tube; Amber Ettinger has found fame and now enemies as legions of Hillary Clinton fans speak their mind for the final time. The most outspoken group: The Lesbian International Community (LIC) released a brief statement this morning:

We have nothing specifically against Barack Obama. We do however, have a difficult time supporting anyone with a mascot (or woman as some call her) that is so brazenly straight. It's time that the Obama campaign reach out to all woman including those of us who are Professional Golfers, Amateur Softball Players, College Soccer Players, and the Entirety of the WNBA. Hillary Clinton was careful and appropriate when agreeing to not appear feminine in public or in private at any time during the primary season. LIC believes strongly that Real Woman can comfortably wear short hair and catch a 65 mph softball. This "Obama" girl appears to have no such qualities and seems to be only interested in being sexy, stylish, attractive, entrepreneurial, and a good dancer. Can we afford to send this message to our daughters?

Fox News Correspondent Geraldo Riviera asked Obama Girl Amber Ettinger what it was like to be so strongly coveted by one group (men) and so reviled by another (lesbians). Ettinger promised to "work on her appeal to all lesbians...... not just Dykes"

Just hours later the Obama camp responded with a previously unreleased video of Amber Ettinger kissing two other girls during a 2003 wet t-shirt contest in Cabo San Lucas. The video however, appears to have done little to stem the tide of irate lesbians who feel they have lost their "man" in the 08' election.

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