Saturday, January 10, 2009

Gargamel Finally Catches, Rapes Smurfette

Confused Papa Smurf Led Group Straight Into Peril

Smurf Village (CHN) - NBC's reality TV show "The Smurfs" aired from 1981 to 1990 and gave viewers an inside look into the strange world of 99 blue creatures measuring just 3 apples high. The Smurfs, with their agrarian conflict-free society, enjoyed living in the safety of the deep forest; housed safely within mushroom domiciles. They had little concern, save for an evil wizard...Gargamel. It is this same evil wizard that now stands accused of kidnapping and raping Smurfette, the village's only female member.

During more innocent times, 'The Smurfs' uncanny ability to escape danger made the series perfect for children's programming; the show aired Saturday Mornings live on NBC.

"We felt it was just a matter of time before several, if not all, of those adorable smurfs would be severely injured or killed at the hands of Gargamel or his evil cat Azrael," said former NBC CEO Bob Wright. "We just didn't want any of that blue blood on our hands".

Bob Wright's decision to drop 'The Smurfs' in 1990 proved to be fortuitous as the past 18 years has brought famine, civil war, and the inevitable scourge of crack cocaine. Still, the Smurf Village has survived and managed to fend off Gargamel 30 minutes at a time until last week when Papa Smurf; suffering from Alzheimer's Disease, lost his smurfing map on the way home from the annual river-smurfing adventure.

Smurfette, Handy Smurf, Brainy Smurf, and Grouchy Smurf were all captured by Gargamel in a large net. The male smurfs were allegedly forced to witness forced copulation and sodomy upon smurfette before they were boiled to death in a large black pot.

Thus far, legal proceedings against Gargamel have been hampered by several hangups:
  1. Legal jurisdiction is unclear because the location of the Smurf Village remains unknown to humans.
  2. Gargamel's attorney Mark Geragos has argued that the pedophilia charges are unwarranted because Smurfette's real age cannot be determined since she was originally created from a magic potion by Gargamel himself.
  3. During the rape kit evaluation it was determined that Smurfette's 'Smurf' was infested with the sperm of several smurfs and some other type of forest creature.
  4. Jury pools are undoubtedly tainted by recent photo's captured by TMZ showing an intoxicated Smurfette flashing her smurfs outside of a local Wal Mart:

Papa Smurf, blaming himself for the tragedy, has confined Smurfette in his personal home with Hefty Smurf keeping guard 24 hours a day. To keep her spirits up he also has asked every Smurf to rotate through daily in groups of 3 for Smurfy Smurfsomes.


Christian Laettner said...

Its about time, I watched over 100 episodes hoping that someone would rape smurfette.

gonfrix said...

it's a funny film, i'll be watch.

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