Sunday, August 29, 2010

Obama Shocks Nation; Announces Early Retirement

Decision To Spend More Time With Family Not A Surprise To Insiders/Pollsters
Washington D.C. (CHN) - America awoke this morning to some unexpected news as Barack Obama has issued a personal statement via the White House website that he will be retiring effective immediately. The 44th President will become the first to cut his first term short for reasons other than death by assassination, pneumonia, gastroenteritis, or heart attack.

An anonymous source from the Administration said that Obama had asked everyone to try to work four times faster than the average administration and that he was hoping to complete his first 100 days in '20 days or so'.

Here is the official statement released to CHN via the President's Web Site:

My Fellow Americans,
About 18 months ago we promised to bring change to Washington and did we ever. 140 million Americans were worried about losing their jobs and now only 125 million are worried about losing their jobs thanks to the Stimulus package and massive layoffs. If the recovery continues at this pace; no American will need to worry about any job by 2021.

But there were some bumps along the way to be sure, the 13 months that it took us to get health care passed seemed to breeze right by for the American Public. However, for those of us here in the White House we had to work many a long night to implement the type of changes that might be understood someday by some sort of supercomputer far exceeding our current knowledge of computer capabilities.

Now it's time for a personal change for myself, Michelle, and our two daughters Malia and Sasha. Moving on now with the country in good hands will allow much more time for international travel with Michelle and the kids. It will also afford visits with Bart Stupak's family, Christy Romer's Family, Evan Bayh's family, Martha Coakley's family, Charlie Rangel's kids and grand kids, Maxine Watter's husband, Harry Reid and his people, and so many others that will have much more time on their hands come November. Folks like Barbara Boxer, Arlen Specter, Robin Carnahan, Russ Feingold, and Joe Sestak just to scratch the surface.

I realize that some folks will say that I'm retiring a little early; I would like to remind the press that I am a public employee and that the average retirement age for most Federal employees is about 45 years old thanks in part to my help in supporting public unions.

I cannot and will not entertain the debate that I am walking away in order to mitigate what appears to be a perfect political storm of unemployment, disillusionment with health care, deficits, the mosque, the Afghan war, my lawsuit against Arizona honkies, the Guantanamo thing, and an inchoate fear about the very ability of Americans to fight off scurvy. Rest assured, that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs will address those concerns in detail before he also retires next week.

For now, I will leave my forwarding address with our well groomed and energetic Vice President Joe Biden (who is rather well spoken and clean for an old white guy). I've already pretty much shown him where all the important stuff is at.

I am a man of change... a man by and for change of all kinds all the time. Sometimes I cut pennies in half just to fuel a sick personal belief that nothing is too diminutive to escape my wholesale assault on anything static.

For all of those speculating that I am freeing up time to run for President in 2012 or that I may be planning a return to my beloved Kenya to overthrow President Mwai Kibaki; I'll say what I've been saying all morning: we will make those decisions as a family after my exploratory committee reports back next month. Until then, may God Bless you, and may God Bless America.

In other retirement news, ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre, who recently committed to playing the 2010 season, has just retired once again so that he too could spend more time with the Obama children. Favre will also re-enroll at Southern Mississippi where he has been granted a 5th year of eligibility by the NCAA. Critics suggest that the Campus in Hattiesburg is far too close to the Gulf to expect a visit from any of the Obamas.

Recent CHN reports on former President Obama:

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dr. Laura Promises Not To Say 'Nigger' Ever Ever Again

Radio Host Is Super Apologetic

Santa Barbara, CA (CHN) - The media storm began on August 10th when nationally syndicated radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger took a call from a Black American woman. The caller was upset with how she was being treated by her White husband's friends and family. Dr. Laura sat down with CHN at Sambo's Restaurant to discuss what she could have done differently and to ask the nation for forgiveness:

CHN: Going back to that call, what would you change if you could?

Dr. Laura: I probably should have refrained from saying the N -word 11 times in close repetition. When I say the N- word, I am referring to the word 'Nigger'. I will no longer be using that word ever ever ever again.

I think that the excitement I felt to finally have a jigaboo calli
ng in to the program just had me all riled up; I really had a retarded moment. My mistake, my clear mistake, was to assume that the coon caller was an Aunt Jamima, you know - the Uncle Tom type. Unfortunately, she was a run of the mill porch monkey probably surrounded by other spooks and welfare funded tar babies all her life and... well, you know the kind.

CHN: Do you think that there is a way to reach out to the Black American community beyond the apology you have provided?

Dr. Laura: Those people are going to need to understand first and foremost that I am not a racist. My bodyguard and longtime friend is about 95% powder-burned himself. I mean, he looks like he just crawled out of the La Brea Tar Pits. As I already explained, he is a good basketball player, jumps high etc. He also scares people away because, let me tell you, he is one big darkie. But I see through that tough ebony skin; he is a sweetheart, a true jungle bunny inside.

Without me he would most likely be shining shoes or picking cotton... you know, whatever African Americans are up to these days.

CHN: Do you think that quoting 'HBO comics' as you said on the air was a fair way to engage a caller who had already explained her sensitivity and feelings of harassment by Whites?

Dr. Laura: I just couldn't apologize more on this. I think that the fact that Coloreds use the word 'nigger' regularly is an important issue. Nigger this, nigger that, nigger, nigger, nigger. We have an alligator bait president for the first time in our proud history. But for some reason, way beyond my understanding, that hasn't stopped the type of vitriol that we are seeing from both smoked Irishman and also a number of um.... smoked Irishman lovers.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Gallop Poll Reveals That Pew Research Polls Are Retarded

Respondents Likened Quinnipiac To That Guy You Didn't Want To Talk To At The Wedding According To Women 18-35

Stamford, CT (CHN) With November midterm elections fast approaching Gallop released a new poll today showing that they are by far the best polling service and are 47% less gay than any recent releases by Survey USA.

An ABC News/Washington Post poll released later in the afternoon confirmed the findings about Survey USA's alleged homosexuality but rebuked the positive findings on Gallop. By a margin of 88% the ABC poll found that Gallop had a slightly smaller to significantly smaller penis than Rasmussen Reports, Bloomberg, and
FOX News Polls who all had normal sized penis's but suffered from old man ball sweat smell when it mattered most.

Ipsos McClatchy published a supplementary finding that 62%
(margin of error ±3%) of likely voters had made up their minds that the pollsters at CBS News/NY Times hadn't been honest with Americans about their wiping habits after crapping.

Just ahead of college football season Mason-Dixon Polling and Research underscored last years data with a new poll suggesting that only 18% of seniors gave a flying fuck about the USA Today Coaches Poll. Blacks and Latinos held the opposite view and responded overwhelmingly that the BCS was probably responsible for the murder of Jon-Benet Ramsey and had significant or total control of BP's deepwater drilling operations.

NPR had no comment as of press time, however, Zogby and CNN published conclusive data from nearly 8 billion respondents that NPR and Quinnipiac had never touched a girls boob.

Monday, August 23, 2010

CHN: A Proud History

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN) Is Celebrating Our 148th Anniversary Again

Buttonwillow, CA - CHN Authors thank you letter to readers:

We have come a long way since our first post written on hardtack by Jeb Lee (Robert Lee's special cousin) back in 1861. Longtime readers know that CHN became a household name during the Grant administration as blogging software slowly improved from inscriptions in soft dirt to inscriptions in clay. But it wasn't until Ely Whitney's cotton gin was built that CHN became the news network that is so well know today. The now lost article entitled 'What Is A Cotton Gin' and the follow up article "What To Do With These Blacks' had circulation rivaling William Randolph Hearst.

During prohibition. CHN which was entirely a product derived from alcohol, fell into a deep slump. Articles such as 'Teapot Dome Say What' and 'Did You See Herbert Hoover Checking Out That Girls Butt' were low points. The Blog fell on hard times and was once again written and distributed on hardtack until 2006 when a Japanese Company producing Hi-Chews Candy accidentally signed a four year advertising contract. Since then new articles have been published here at The Comedy Hub Blogspot.

So, in celebration of our 148th year, here are the TOP 14.8 ARTICLES from 2010:
  1. Dr. Laura Promises Not To Say 'Nigger' Ever Ever Again
  2. Jake Sully: Hometree Downfall Was Due To Distractive 'Nip Slips'
  3. Gay Community Begs Ricky Martin To Re-Enter Closet
  4. 1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster
  5. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms To Extend Jurisdiction To 'Hoe Bags'
  6. GOP Secretly Replaces Health Care Bill W/Grey's Anatomy Script
  7. Pre-Madonna No Longer Interested In Becoming Actual Madonna
  8. Nation's Bullies Finalize Back To School Plans
  9. Obama Shocks Nation, Announces Early Retirement
  10. Obama A Possible Frontrunner for 2012
  11. Waterpark Provides Likely Opportunity For 12 Year Old To See 1st 'Nip Slip'
  12. Sniper Instructor Rewards Class With 'Boob Scope' Day
  13. BP To Invest 'Some, Not All' of Escrow Account On Boy Band
  14. Pelosi Blames Accelerated Spending On Toyota Brand Gavel

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Ninja vs. Ninjer.

New York, NY (CHN) Dr. Laura Schlessingers recent N-word comments have helped shed light on additional race issues. This weeks focus: Ninjas.

This video is not safe for work (NSFW), all children viewers should be accompanied by an adult ninja.

This video brought to you by HI-CHEWS, Japanese candy made by Cotton Picking Ninjas.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Nation's Bullies Finalize Back To School Plans

Identifying Nerds and Tools Remains Primary Objective During Orientation

Rio Del Valle Middle School, Oxnard, CA (CHN) - Twelve to thirteen year old boys with interpersonal and various behavioral skill deficiencies are making final preparations for the coming school year. Most will try to efficiently split time between the closing of peak cyber bullying season and a return to a more direct intimidation and physical abuse regimen.

"There is a lot of uncertainty coming into Rio Del Valle," says opportunistic rabbit puncher Derrick Douglas. He continued, "I mean, I know who my main targets are from Lakewood Elementary but now I have to evaluate dweebs and geeks from 3 other feeder schools".

But Douglas isn't the only incoming 7th grader who is sharpening shanks and memorizing quotes from the first half of 'Step Brothers'. Douglas will have to find his niche among returning bullies Richard Staggs and Marcus James who kept a short leash on dorks and faggots during the previous school year.

Principle Dale Vaginavich understands the pressure that incoming tards will be faced with. "It's a tough go for some of our youngsters here at the 7th and 8th grade level," says Vaginavich.

"Bullies today are stronger and faster than ever," Vaginavich closed his eyes and paused for the approximate time frame that it takes to receive an atomic wedgy; he continuted, "I mean... I wanted to try a new anti-bullying program this year but I was convinced by our Phys-Ed. Director Jim McMannis that my idea was chickenshit.

Incoming 7th grader Martin Fragilmeyer, an accomplished anagramist and comic book purveyor, was also making final preparations for the coming school year. Despite having 'head set' braces installed last week and re-stocking his closet with some of his brothers hand-me-downs, Fragilmeyer maintained a positive outlook. The dusk to dawn physical and mental abuse that he will be encountering throughout each school-day will be a cakewalk compared to the 'softening up' he will receive during extra-curricular activities.

"I'm just going to play it cool for the next 12 years or so; I'll get worked over pretty hard for my bad acne and the fact that when I throw a baseball I step forward with the wrong foot causing extreme loss of velocity and accuracy". He added, "Rest assured, someday I will graduate college, touch my first boob, and have enough money to FEDEX boxes of my own shit to everyone who ruined my childhood".

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sniper Instructor Rewards Class With 'Boob Scope' Day

'Juggs Friday' Welcomed By Students

Special Ops Training - Ft. Bragg, NC (CHN):
Sergent First Class Mike Calahan has been training sharpshooters for more than 16 years for the U.S. Army and has always maintained a 'Get'r Done' attitude along with a healthy dose of paternal mentoring .

"It's a job that requires extreme attention to detail, patience, and a rapists intuition," said Calahan to CHN as he prepared Friday morning's drill with the students. He continued, "I've had a great group this year so today we are going to reward them with some long distance hooter spotting; a little 'tit for tat' as we say in the sniper business," informed Calahan.

Staff Sergeant Damon Sterling set the target area of World Gym, a well known location for the release of sweater kittens in the Fort Bragg area. The Gym's entrance was well within site range of the Officers Mess Hall roof using the standard issue Bushnell Tactical Scopes.

"Spotters have suggested that we focus on the front doors of the gym along with the East parking lot area between Jamba Juice and Penguins Yogurt.

Monitoring those two hot spots should give us the highest fun bag count possible for any location between Chapel Hill and Raleigh" according to Sterling. He added, "Boobs Mcgee will have a hell of a time getting by undetected."

While the Army's M40 standard issue rifles were not loaded, the new laser training attachment allows for a simulated weapon discharge up to 800 meters. Calahan believes that his students should have no difficulty blasting bra buddies at 100-400 meters and neck squeezers up to 800 meters. "I once nailed a set of milk makers at 885 meters and I want that for my students," said Calahan as he scanned the periphery for chimichongas.

Last year the class was rewarded with a viewing of Mark Wahlberg's 2007 film "Shooter" which featured actress Kate Mara. Outside of Mara's wacka wacka's being visible through her white shirt the movie was reportedly a snooze-fest.

Other boob references mentioned to our staff that were omitted for professional reasons:

Air Bags, Astries, Baby Feeders, Bazookas, Ball Busters, Bangalopes, Bazooms, Beacons, Beanbags, Bebops, Betty Boops, Big Boppers, Bikini Stuffers, Billibongs, Blinkers, Bombers, Bombshells, Bon Bons, Bongos, Bonkers, Boobers, Boobies, Boobs, Boppers, Bosom, Boulders, Bouncers, Bra Buddies, Bra Stuffers, Breasts, Bronskis, Bubbas, Bubbies, Buds, Bulbs, Bulges, Bullets, Bumpers, Bumps, Bust, Busters, Busties, Butterballs, Buttons, Caboodles, Cams,Cannon Balls, Cantaloupes, Carumbas (Ay), Cha-chas, Chihuahuas, Chiquitas, Coconuts, Coco Puffs, Corkers, Cream Pies, Cross-Eyed Canisters, Cuhuangas, Cupcakes, Dinghies, Dingos, Dirigibles, Doorknobs, Doozies, Double-Whammies, Dueling Banjos, Dumplings, Dunes, Ear Muffs, Eclairs, Em (i.e. Put 'Em' On The Glass), Eyes (As in 'She has nice eyes'), Face Slappers, Flapjacks, Flappers, Flesh Bulbs, Floaters, Fog Lights, Fried Eggs, Fuck Utters, Fun Bags, Gagas, Garbos, Gazingas, Gazongas, Glands, Globes, Globlets,Gob Stoppers, Gongas, Goombas, Grapefruits, Gran Tetons, Grillwork, Guarded Goliaths, Guavas, Gum Drops, Hand Warmers, Handsets, Happy Fun Balls, Head Lamps, Headers, Headlights, Headphones, Headsets, Hefty Hippos, Heifers, Hemispheres, Hills That Pay The Bills, Hindenburgs, Honeydews, Honkers, Hood-Ornaments, Hoohas, Hooters, Hot Cakes, Hottentots,Howitzers, Hubcaps, Huffies, Humdingers, Hush Puppies, Hypnotizing Hoots, ICBMS, Jacket Blasters, Jail Babbies, Jawbreakers, Jemimas, Jibs, Jugs, Jukes, Jumblies, Jumbos,Kabukis, Kalamazoos, Kazongas, Kazoos, Kneck Squeezers, Knobbers, Knockers, Kongas, Kumquats, Lactoids, Lip Fodder, LLamas, Loaves, LobLollies, Love Muffins, LuLus, Lung Pillows, Macaroons, Major Mushies, Mamalicious, Mammaries, Mammies, Mam Bags, Mams, Man Bait, Mangos, Marangos, Maraschinos, Marimbas, Mau Maus, Mausers, Meat Loaves, Meatballs, Melons, Milk Cans, Milk Fountains, Milk Makers, Milk Shakes, Mmbos, Molehills, Mommas, Mondos, Montezumas, Moo Moos, Mother Lodes, Mounds, Mouth Magnets, Muchachas, Muffins, Mulligans, Mushmellons, Nancies, Nectarines, Niblets, Nibs, Nippers, Nippies, Nippleoons, Nippleos, Nips, Nodes, Nodules, Noogies, Nose Cones, Oompas, Orbs, Ottomans Balboas,Padded Punies, Pagodas Bangers, Pair, Pancho & Lefty, Peaches, Peaks, Pears, Peepers, Penis Partners, Pillows (See Lung Pillows), Pips, Plums, Pointer-Sisters, Points, Pokers, Polygons, Pompoms, Pontoons, Potatoes, Pre-Mature Melons, Professor Assessors, PT Boats, Pumpkins, Rangoons, Rib Cushions, Ripe Roo Roos, Saggy Waggys, Sandbags, Satellites, Sauce makers, Scones, Scoops, Shakes, Shebas, Shermans, Shimmies, Shirt Stretchers, Silos, Sister Sacks, Skin Pops, Skooners, Smoothies, Snake Charmers, Snuggle Pups, Spark Plugs, Specials, Sperm Targets, Spheres, Spongecakes, Spuds, Stacks, Stuffing Casabas, Sugar Plums, Sweater Meat, Sweater Puffs, Sweet Rolls, Tahitis, Tamales, Tartugas, Tatas, Tattlers, Teats, Tetons(see Gran Tetons), Thangs, Thingumajigs, Tidbits, Tits, Titters Domes, Titty Doodads, Tom-Toms, Tomatoes,Torpedoes, Towel Nuggets,Twangers, Tweakers, Tweeters, Twin Peaks, Twofers, Tympanies, U-Boats, Utters (See Fuck Utters),Umlauts, Virgin Chesty, Waldos, Wahwahs, Warheads, Zeppelins, Zingers etc.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Santa Clarita Student Turns 22 Despite Slow Economy

Changing Birth Certificate and Notifying Friends Just Too Difficult

Santa Clarita, CA (CHN) - Twenty-one year old Arielle Korn had a difficult choice to make this past week as her 22nd birthday approached, have her regularly scheduled birthday or postpone it for 6 months to a year until the economy turned around.

"Its primarily about the gifts," said a disgruntled Korn. "Ive been monitoring GDP pretty closely and I suspect that investment on birthday gifts for me will be down 6-8% year over year," she added.

Korn, who believes that the July jobs report came at the worst moment possible has been carefully monitoring her friends spending habits on Facebook and determined that she will likely get 14 confirmations, 8 no shows, and 277 maybes for her upcoming birthday dinner at The Claim Jumper. "People realize that I want to eat for free; with White House Economic Adviser Christina Romer resigning yesterday... well, lets just say that is not the sort of birthday spending confidence that you need going into my birthday dinner," says Korn.

Ms. Korn ran a cost analysis benefit equation of changing her birthday to January 15th but the uncertainties of a double dip recession has Oppenheimer Fund Manager Skip Froberg nervous. "The idea that corporate profits alone can carry us into an increase in consumer birthday spending confidence isn't supported with the data," revealed Froberg. "Until we get 2-3 solid job reports in a row, birthday spending for Kamikaze shots and custom cakes with clever genitalia frosting designs are going to be depressed for another 2-3 quarters at minimum," concluded Froberg.

Korn's mother indicated via email that changing her birthday would create confusion among relatives and could result in a clusterfuck of missed payouts from Grandma Bata. My best advice, sayed Korn's mom - "Find a sugar daddy, even if it's just a one nighter... have you met Seth Champi?"

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