Thursday, September 30, 2010

Philip Morris Introduces Breakthrough Drug To Help Quit Chantix

Clinical Trials Prove New Medication Is Nearly 100% Effective

Winston-Salem, NC (CHN)- It's that nasty little habit that you have always wanted to quit but just never could. Don't despair, a new over-the-counter product just might ignite that fire of change that you've needed all along. A start up company (Philip Morris) has something you might be ready to hear: 'It's finally your time'. A new, mostly organic drug, called Marlboro, has shown astounding success at helping users quit Chantix and has now been approved for nationwide non-prescription sale by the FDA.

"I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to take that pill," said longtime Chantix user Clayton. Clayton and many other former Chantix users seem to agree that the Marlboro smoking sticks come through on their promise to end that nagging urge to pop expensive prescription pills and the long list of side effects that goes with them.

America's long fight to educate and prevent the use of Chantix took a leap forward recently as Chantix maker Pfizer admitted and published a long list of side effects that anti-Chantix activists have been asserting for years. Pfizer's website now lists side effects as depression, anxiety, panic, serious skin reactions, oral blisters, sleep problems, constipation, and nausea. Smoking stick inventor Phillip Morris wants to make those nasty little problems a thing of the past.

"Chantix users often start young and it's no secret that the pills often end up in the hands and mouths of America's youth," asserts a Philip Morris press release. They also say: "We have a plan." So far, the company has taken the unprecedented step of hiring recycling agents to hang out near retail stores so that they can help children make successful purchases of the smoking sticks.

An expensive multi-decade contract with Hollywood to produce television and movies showing the use of smoking sticks (instead of Chantix) also has parents giving a big thumbs up.

Philip Morris is also being applauded for launching a national advertising campaign aimed squarely at active people such as those who ride horses during the 1970's and various types of race car drivers.

Americans are indeed responding; the Philip Morris website now has a long list former Chantix users who say they are cured:"No more uncomfortable Dr. visits; no more expensive prescriptions,"
Hector, 22
"I walked into the local service station and said, I'm ready to quit... the cashier was ready to help," - Herb, 54
I was having suicidal thoughts and running out of time," Marty (1964-2009)
"I was able to continue using Chantix for the first week, but I didn't need to. The organic smoke sticks cured me before I had finished the first pack," - Kathy, 47
Data shows that Marlboro users are reporting a 58% increase in meeting sluts outside of bars and a 74% increase in their ability to to take regular breaks from work that other employees don't get.

Although the exact contents of Marlboro smoking sticks are still unknown, the main ingredient (tobacco), is farmed organically right here in America. More good news, according to researchers, is that the smoking sticks are already undergoing tests to help cure the use of Nicorette Gum, Zyban, and Habitrol.

Despite all of this, some critics remain skeptical. Don Mosebar, a health and wellness advocate, has questioned the ability of Marlboro users to kick the Chantix pills for good. "I think it's easy to report success after the first month or even the first year. Let's see if these smoke sticks can keep people from reaching for those pill bottles after a big meal or after sex, that's the key."

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

BP: Investigation Reveals Spill Caused By Textbook Clusterfuck

Perfect Storm of Bad Shit Happened

(CHN)- BP PLC on Wednesday issued a long-awaited investigative report that says a complex series of failures and bad decisions—by itself and other companies—led to the deadly Deepwater Horizon disaster in the U.S. Gulf of Mexico in April. The heart of the three page report focused on 'fucked up shit' that all went wrong at once.

BP Scientists in the past normally concluded that spills and loss of life accidents were the result of Murphy's Law. Today's report was in stark contrast; the spill was almost certainly caused by a total catastrophic clusterfuck.

Critics had suggested that basic equipment failure to the blowout preventer (caused by dead batteries) and lack of care regarding unusual pressure readings combined with a hurried desire to tap the well (on schedule) forced subcontractors and BP management to panic.

BP has laid those claims to rest and confirmed unequivocally that 'tons of really bad shit just all happened at once'. BP added a video to its website whereas a jogger's hat falls off and then immediately lands on another runners head. The lesson learned by BP investigators: 'crazy things that you never thought of can happen; knock on wood that this doesn't happen again anytime soon'.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Underground Dentist Cleans Teeth Day Before You Go To Dentist You Have A Crush On

'Street Dentists' Booming In Areas Most Affected By Attractive Dentists

San Leandro, CA (CHN) - Jenny Kasuno received a reminder postcard in the mail last Friday and realized that she only had 6 days until her bi-annual dental cleaning. For Jenny, that reminder meant one thing - a call to Harare Mugabe, underground dentist.

Jenny was introduced to Mugabe by a friend 3 years prior, "I had a bad checkup; my dentist (who is extremely sexy) said that I had plaque and tartar buildup under my gum-line. The embarrassment was overwhelming," said Kasuno.

Mugabe, a well respected dentist in his native Zimbabwe, has had difficulty achieving certification from the California Dental Board. "He doesn't speak English whatsoever," admitted Kasuno. She also conceded that, "He was trained exclusively with wood tools and relies in part on tribal dancing to keep evil spirits from going near my teeth. "I can't just go to another real dentist in town because they all play golf together; I mean... I just don't have time to travel out of the area for my pre-cleaning cleaning."

With competitive rates of $8.00 per cleaning, most underground dentists work in secret unmarked locations, or in Mugabe's case, a vacant field behind the old mill. The key locations are far from the offices of dentists that most clients have crushes on.

However, a new problem has been slowly developing for Ms. Kasuno. "Mr. Harare is very tender and very thorough". Kasuno paused in deep reflection before continuing, "I could see a look in his eye that suggested he was irritated with the buildup on my wisdom teeth... Oh, I felt so bad. He performed a new dance using burning coals before eating a live frog; I just can't show up for my pre-cleaning like this again, I can't".

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