Local Man Wonders Why God Would Punish Him This Way
by: Melissa Lauren 8:25 Am Est
Comedy Hub Staff Writer
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA: Charles Jackson's ad for a roommate on Craig's List last month was simple, straight forward, and has netted him nothing but trouble. Ad Responder Priya Raye seemed to be the perfect candidate when she stopped by to look at the room for rent at Mr. Jackson's Chatsworth apartment. She appeared clean, organized, and had excellent credit. Little did Charles know that Priya would be anything but a "good roommate".
Each morning Priya awoke and began a 2 hour yoga routine in the living room. Then after making Charles a healthy 3 course breakfast (which typically surpasses most of his nutritional needs by 10-15%) she would manage her charitable trust for the Make-A-Wish foundation which has returned 18 million dollars since its 2002 inception. Although Charles applauds the positive intent of the fund, he has told friends that "her speculation in commodities is exactly what's wrong with this country". Mr. Jackson refuses to confirm that he has notified the SEC multiple times concerning Ms. Raye's unusual investment success.
Charles has a self described trusting personality and hammers that point home on his blog www.myroomateisevil.blogspot.com . Regardless, he felt he had no choice but to install a hidden camera in the living room to find out just what else Ms. Raye might be doing in their apartment while he was working his part time shift at the Sherman Oaks Galleria Radio Shack. Mr. Jackson retained real estate attorney Jason Rosenburg for help. "Charles has been my most consistent client" says Rosenburg, "In 2006 sixty five percent of my cases were evictions of Mr. Jackson housemates". In preparation for the eviction of Ms. Raye, Charles documented her daily routine:
10:30 AM-11:45: Hosts a free sewing club for disabled seniors (in complete violation of the maximum occupancy limits as detailed in the lease)
11:45 AM-12noon: light stretching with revealing clothes on. (as visible on the security cam)
12noon-1:30 PM: Makes sandwiches for area homeless (most likely used some of my Trader Joe's Spicy Mustard after she ran out of her mustard.... did not replace my bottle for two days.)
1:45-3:45: Teaches a course "how to give the perfect blow job" to local city college students.
4:00-5:30: Prepares an organic turkey pot pie surely thinking it's my favorite - but its not; as of Tuesday my favorite is chicken pot pie.
7:00 - Offers me a back massage which I know is meant to distract me from various lease violations. I once again refuse the insulting gesture.
8:15-8:20: Interrupts Episode 4, Season 2 of "Lost" twice to ask me if her new swimsuit is too revealing.
9:oo- 10:00: Prances from her room to the kitchen in lingerie for light snacks and water.
10pm-midnight: Three scantily clad barely legal teens arrive with cheerleader uniforms on and join Priya in her private quarters. All of the girls take turns yelling out: "I hope that no one opens the door and catches us being naughty". This is just more evidence that something naughty is likely happening.
"I've had to evict my last 11 roommates, I mean is there a normal human left on this earth"? Still Charles admits to holding out hope that eventually he will find someone who is good fit for his 1385 sq. foot apartment, "I've never been a quitter; that's not how I won the 2003 model rocket regional tournament and that's not how I'm going to approach finding the right roommate.... or prepping for the 2010 model rocket regional tournament.
The inappropriate behavior has only become worse with the warm weather according to Jackson. New complaints just turned in to Mr. Jackson's attorney indicate that Priya regularly washes her car and Mr. Jackson's car while wearing nothing more that a white tank top and bikini bottoms. Additionally, without even asking, she outfitted Mr. Jackson's 1992 Toyota Corolla with a hydrogen fuel cell that emits 0 carbon.
"Although Priya did extensive testing on the Hydrogen Fuel Cell she did not account whatsoever for any reduction in vehicle weight from the removal of the original gas engine. As a model rocket enthusiast I know that weight plays an important role in vehicles performance. Let's just say that I have sent some interesting information to Toyota Motor Corp. concerning Ms. Raye's unauthorized work; I'm just sayin is all" stated Jackson.