Thursday, December 16, 2010

Assistant Manager Usually Able To Poop After 2nd Cup of Coffee

Grand Rapids, MI (CHN) -  The Grand Rapids Area Chamber of Commerce opens at 9AM Monday thru Friday and on every one of those days assistant account manager Ron Corbett has two full cups of coffee prior to taking a shit in the single stall unisex bathroom. 

Corbett's consistency has impressed 
staff for nearly a decade
Receptionist Wendy Breyer has confirmed with CHN that Mr. Corbett generally spews warm, likely moist, but verifiably pungent farts between 10:15 and 10:25.  "It will sort of linger... if it (the fart odor) doesn't stick around for 30-40 seconds then I know he hasn't finished his 2nd cup and may not be ready to take a dump for 20 or 30 more minutes.

Corbett, a Grand Rapids native, usually eats Frosted Mini-Wheats and a banana with his first cup of coffee at home.  Up until the spring of 2009, Corbett's co-workers had reason to believe that he was picking up coffee from Starbucks en route to work which he would finish in his car just prior to entering the office and clocking in for the day. 

"Back then Ron would typically drop a load within 10 minutes of clocking in," confirmed human resource manager Daryl Boykins. He continued, "Now he seems to be on a set schedule of drinking his 2nd cup here at the office and taking a 10-12 minute shit right around 10:30.

Last Tuesday the office break room ran out of coffee and sources have confirmed that this delayed Mr. Corbett's crap until 11:45AM.  Corbett emerged approximately 20 minutes later and seemed rather unsatisfied.  An un-named coworker verifyies that he had two Dr. Peppers but "frankly at that point, he was just off his schedule".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Confusion At State Department As Holbrooke's Last Words May Have Actually Been "Stop This Whore"

Holbrooke, 69, Died From Complications of Lindsay Lohan's 2005 'Herbie Fully Loaded'

Washington D.C. (CHN)- Those close to the veteran U.S. Diplomat say that he rarely watched movies of any kind but decided to catch a flick after a long meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Friday. A family spokesman said that Mr. Holbrooke had become livid with Lindsay Lohan's acting style and ruptured his aorta during the final moments of the Disney film after claiming that if he 'attached a pair of tits and some red pubic hair to his asshole that he could have turned in a better acting performance'.

Lohan, performed like a 'slut faced whore'
according to Holbrooke
Doctors attempted an emergency surgery but failed to save the man that President Obama chose as a special envoy to Afghanistan, and who many of the wars toughest critics felt was the best chance to stop the ongoing action by U.S and its Allies.

Holbrooke, still conscious before the surgery seemed to be quoting the Lohan movie sarcastically and was still visibly shaken by Lohan's performance.

His final words, first thought to be 'Stop this war', have now been confirmed by hospital staff to have actually been 'Stop this whore'.

Holbrooke is survived by several family members, most of the remaining American soldiers in Afghanistan, and Lindsay Lohan's agonizing acting career and fluctuating breast size. 

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Bill Clinton Still Hanging Out At White House 3 Days After Press Conference

D.C. Furniture Store Reports Delivery of Hide-A-Bed To Oval Office

Clinton (above right), moments after brushing Obama
aside to field questions on Friday
Washington D.C. (CHN) - A White House aid refused to confirm or deny on Sunday that Bill Clinton was still at the White House following last Friday's meeting and press conference with President Obama.

Clinton originally scheduled to speak for 3-4 minutes after a brief introduction by The President, spoke for nearly 40 minutes prior to being cut short by Robert Gibbs call for 'last question'.

An assistant to former President Clinton confirmed that pizzas had already been ordered so that the former President could have a bite to eat after the presser.  White House insiders were apparently surprised to see Mr. Clinton still hanging out and chatting with State Department officials in the West Wing late into the evening.  Mr. and Mrs. Obama returned to the White House following a Christmas party to find that Mr. Clinton had consumed several cocktails during a conference call to Rahm Emanuel, Paul Begala, and Haitian President René Préval.

Obama's desk (temporarily moved outside)
'not related to Clinton visit,' says staff
At that time it is believed that Mr. Obama invited the former President to crash in the Oval Office until he found accommodations for his upcoming trip to Haiti.

It is believed that Mr. Clinton may have answered several calls from Hamid Karzai and organized some minor tactical changes to the current surge in Afghanistan on Sunday morning while Mr. Obama was walking White House dog 'Bo'. 

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is reporting that a request for federal emergency funds to the state following this weekends blizzard appears to have been immediately signed and faxed back by Mr. Clinton.

As of press time, Clinton's foundation staff had no return comment on Mr. Clinton's whereabouts and firmly denied that a new post on Craigslist for 'D.C. area motivated interns' was connected in any way to the former President. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Garth Brooks Wondering "What Ever Happened To Me"

Former Country Star Realizes He Hasn't Been Seen Or Heard From In 12 Years 

Nashville, TN (CHN) - He was once the reigning King of Country Music and one of the top selling artists of any genre in the 1990's, but this morning when Garth Brooks awoke he asked himself one simple question: "Where in the fuck have I have been the past 12 years". 

Brooks During What Is Believed 
To Have Been His Mariachi Phase
Research done by Brooks indicates that he has mostly been drinking and speaking in non melodic tongues since his failed attempt to perform as a gay rock star under the stage name 'Chris Gaines'.  

Sources close to Brooks admit that they are not all that close to Brooks and that they sort of forgot all about him over the last decade.  

Brooks who claims to have a daughter is now attempting to locate her according to his daughter who hasn't seen or heard from Brooks since 1999. 

Although Brooks was accused of having an affair with Trisha Yearwood in the late 90's he vehemently denied those rumors and one-upped his critics by divorcing his wife and marrying Trisha Yearwood soon after. 

The former star came out of hiding or whatever to do an interview with Larry King this week.  During the interview Mr. Brooks seemed to be fixated with convincing King to direct Itunes to raise the cost of his songs to equal or higher pricing than Taylor Swift and that 'little bitch' Kenny Chesney.

Tomorrow on CHN:  "Trisha Yearwood RealizesThat She Is A Slutty Homewrecker; Wonders Where Husband Garth Brooks Has Been The Past 12 Years."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Report: Wikipedia Audio Files; An Intro List For Pervs

CHN Reports that the following Wikipedia Articles are now being listened to by Pervs Worldwide:

Mammary Intercourse:

 Cock and Ball Torture:
Bukkake (Please note that the recipient should be shaved):

Hand Job:

Dirty Sanchez (Narrated by an English Woman for your pleasure)

Clitoral Erection (The reader loses it several times):

CHN recommends that you not become a full time Perv. All Rights Reserved. 2010.
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