Monday, November 29, 2010

American Citizenry: Janet Napolitano Needs To Get Laid Really Bad

Taxpayers OK Cash For Dinner And Rough Sex At Local Ramada

File Photo of Napolitano Looking Depraved
Washington D.C. (CHN) - Janet Napolitano, America's 3rd Homeland Security Chief, is being given a pass today by U.S. Citizens following widespread public revolt over intrusive TSA screenings, a lackluster effort to close the U.S. border, and allowing an embarrassing wholesale release of American diplomatic secrets through the 'WikiLeaks' website.  

Although many Americans had concluded that Napolitano was horribly incompetent at her job; criticism waned after it slowly became clear that the security chief was the most sexually frustrated and sober woman in America.  

The Administration's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs asked that Americans stop sending alcohol, drugs, and various types of sex machines to Napolitano's office.  Gibbs told the Washington Press Corps on Monday that bottles of tequila and vibrators have been flooding the capital's mail system since Napolitano demanded that American travelers be looked at naked or undergo a thorough groping prior to traveling.  

Gibbs made it clear that the President has heard the American people and that he (Obama) has authorized Napolitano to immediately engage in a 3-day weekend affair with 'some person already at the bar'.  Although the location and name of the bar has not been disclosed it is widely assumed to be the 'Meow Hole' just outside of Arlington, Virginia.

The President Gives An Executive Order for Napolitano To Get Nailed
Tulsa native Herb Mattos told a CHN reporter that he speaks for all Americans when saying: "We do not care if she is gay or straight, we don't care how she likes it or where, we need her to get shit faced and have some person or group of people give it to her as hard as possible for as long as possible... our treat".

Although the Napolitano situation is unusual, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffered from the same deficit for nearly 20 years (1989-2008) and only began to recover after being fucked by Barack Obama during the DNC primaries.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Nation Really Tired of Watching Detroit Lions Play Once A Year

Historic Thanksgiving Event Wearing Thin For Football Fans

(CHN) Pontiac Silverdome - Inspired by the tremendous success and popularity of the Harlem Globetrotters, the NFL invented its own 'Washington Generals' out of second rate players for comedic purposes in 1929.  The so called 'Detroit Lions' have been entertaining fans ever since in their fruitless attempts to tackle and score touchdowns.  

Local Comedian Shaun Hill Will Be This Years QB

"It helped get us through the depression," admitted 86 year old Virgina Martin from Dearborn. She remembers an era when "They (automakers) would give everyone the day off to go watch the game; it was special to have our own team even for just one day a year."  

Current Detroit Lions owner William Ford Sr. says "It hasn't been the same now that we have to fly out autoworkers from South Korea to fill the stadium; but for folks who grew up here, we felt like we had our very own team".

 Tradition or not, football fans have turned sour on the once popular Thanksgiving day treat; many would rather watch two real NFL teams play each other in a sanctioned contest then to watch the same comedy of errors year in and year out. 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell admits that he has begun to consider pulling the plug on the once a year spectacle.  "Watching the Lions fall for the water in the bucket trick and seeing them frantically try to swipe at the ball as real NFL players taunt them is a valued tradition," said Goodell to CHN this morning.  "I do admit that it is expensive to maintain a parody NFL franchise in Detroit just so that they can play once per year; the economies of scale are forcing us to consider using two real NFL teams with official referees and rules."

The Attempt To Travel The Lions To Local Communities In the Early 90's Was A Ratings Disaster
The shakeup may be hardest on the Dallas Cowboys franchise.  Owner Jerry Jones has been grooming the team for several years to take over for the Lions because of the once bulletproof Thanksgiving day business plan.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Links To The Top 15 Comedy Websites

Everyone has a list for their favorite comedy websites.  Here is a list based on polling of over 2500 people from our Facebook Group.  So, without further ado... here are the Top 15 Comedy Websites For Video, Captions, Articles, and Parody News:

15.  Gawker (
14.  Comedy Juice (      
13.  Comedy Whirled (
12.  The Superficial (
11.  Adult Swim (
10   The Soup (
9.  The Brown Show (
8.  College Humor (
7.  SNL (
6.  Funny or Die (
5.  Comedy Central (
4.5 George Carlin (
4.  Tosh.O (
3.  Cracked (
2.  The Onion (
1.  CHN The Comedy Hub Network (

If you would like to submit a site for the next vote please leave us the web address in the comment box and it will be entered for the next vote.  

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