Sunday, August 16, 2009

Latest "Teacher Seduces Boy' Story Loses Traction; She's Just Not That Hot

CBS News Producer Digs Deep to Fill Out Segment on What Should Have Been a Ratings Smash.
by Tarren Aanika, Media Analyist, 4:45 EST

New York: The morning was off to a great start for CBS Evening News Producer Bill Martens. Shortly after 8am, word was leaked to CBS 4 in Miami that there was an arrest in a "teacher seduces student" case and all of the data looked promising. She (Christine McCallum) was 29, the student just 13. As the story goes she took the boys virginity after liquoring him up following a field trip.

"We opened a bottle of champagne just moments after getting an exclusive with the Miami PD detective that made the arrest" admits Martens. What producer Bill Martens did not know was that Christine McCallum was a butterfaced ratings letdown with about as much sex appeal as a bearded Nun. "The story fell apart the moment we got the head shot... I mean, we're talking tired eyes, thin man lips, and a large round masculine chin that might look good on Mel Gibson..." Martens paused briefly and dejectedly admitted, "I wouldn't do her if I was 13; no wonder she had to get him drunk first."

CBS Correspondent Lara Logan took what was left of the story and made a valiant attempt to re-package it for a tv audience that is instinctively drawn into 'female domination' type sex scandals with the implicit hope that the teacher is hot. "Very simple, we wont show the teacher until the end of the story" says Logan. "By that time we will have run file footage of far more fascinating tales whereas attractive female teachers lured underage boys into locker rooms, buses, or perhaps the occasional kidnapping to Mexico. We certainly are not going to open with an image of this saddlebag ridden, fish headed, hillbilly-slut that made that poor boys first experience a nightmare.

"We can promo during 'Big Brother' with Pamela Turner, the Phys-Ed teacher and coach, who sent lurid video messages to the teenage boy she was biffing. That's a YouTube Video that just keeps on giving" said Logan who continued, "Then we segway to the classic tried and true Mary Kay Letourneau story and quickly tie in the extensive footage we have on Debra LaFave; that's the super hot - young blond that every boy/man in the world wished to God would have sexually 'abused' them at any age. Finally we mix in head shots of Sheral Smith and Teresa Engelbach and we will have stolen 20 minutes of our viewers time before we release the first image of boner killer Christine McCallum". Logan dropped her voice to a whisper,"We use the term 'boner killer' rather carefully around here because Katie Couric seems to just pop in and out of the production room like jackrabbit on smack.

The Miami District Attorney has promised off the record to throw the book at McCallum, who in his words "has no right to be anyone's first sexual experience, nevermind an impressionable 13 year old boy who must have dreamt of sex with a reasonable looking woman... she needs to be put away for a long, long time."


Christian Laettner said...

This is so true if an ugly teacher seduces a boy it just doesn't make for a good story. Its just harder for the rest of us to masturbate to.

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