Friday, July 30, 2010

Obama A Possible DNC Frontrunner For 2012

Former Chicago Activist Is A Rising Star For The DNC

Washington D.C. (CHN)- Although it's just a few short months before the 2010 midterm elections, party insiders have already began the process of identifying candidates for the 2012 Presidential Campaign. Both Democrats and Republicans have been narrowing the field for the election that is still more than 2 years away.

As the nation continues fighting the malaise of a deep economic slump and unemployment near 10% a theme of change is resonating with voters. "Let's throw the bums out," said Janet Mathews from Klamath Falls, OR.

"It's too early to make any firm predictions," said DNC South West Region organizer Dean Cardoza. "From what I have heard about Barrack Obama from Chicago, I like it so far," he added.

"I remember the last campaign and all the promises like it was yesterday," said Jasper McFitsimmons of Little Rock, AK. "They were going to bring the troops home, close Guantanamo, fix the economy, and make it cooler outside." McFitsimmons continued, "I'm not a news buff, but I haven't seen any of that; yea I would consider this Obama, he can't be any worse than what we have now".

Democratic Party insiders are well aware of the buzz surrounding Obama, a 49 year old Hawaii native who wowed DNC 2004 convention goers with his speech supporting John Kerry. They also are reluctant to roll the dice with a largely unproven and enigmatic newcomer even if 'change' is the driving catalyst in 2012.

Anonymous sources say that the old guard of the DNC is pointing towards better seasoned politicians like current Senior White House Adviser David Axelrod or current Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Current Vice President Joe Biden has also topped many lists but at least one key anonymous source from within the administration said recently that "Biden is a fucking idiot".

Former 2008 Republican nominee John McCain was reluctant to comment on the DNC's chances in 2012 but he did confirm that Obama could be Presidential material even though he has been far from the limelight over the past two years. "He just might be honing his skills and lining up key support for a historic run at the Whitehouse," acknowledged McCain.

has compiled a list of recent accomplishments by the former Harvard Law grad that will be key components to a possible 2012 run:

Sunday, July 11, 2010

BP To Invest 'Some, Not All' of Escrow Account On Boy Band

New Band Could Produce Up To Ten Singles By 2015

Gulfport, Louisiana (CHN) The effects of the Gulf oil spill continue to spread from the oil sheen in Corpus Christie to tar balls on Fort Lauderdale beaches. But oil giant BP, whose Deepwater Horizon Rig caught fire and exploded on April 20th, is looking to rebuild it's image and possibly an entire music genre in the process.

In mid June BP agreed to set aside a 20 billion dollar escrow account to guarantee their promise to clean up and rebuild the Gulf Region. Tens of thousands of claims have been made to BP by out of work fisherman yet the oil conglomerate has admittedly been slow to process or pay those claims.

This mornings press release from the companies London headquarters is finally shedding light on how the company is planning to invest 'some, but not all' of the $20 billion account.

BP CEO Tony Hayward explained the new investment to CHN Europe earlier today:
"After careful consideration of the environmental and economic impact of the oil spill, we have concluded that the best use of recovery funds will be for the development and marketing of a top notch boy band. We are not just proposing a run of the mill 'Backstreet Boys' or 'N Sync but a true super group like English born 'East 17' or '5ive'.

But critics have been slow to back the concept and investors are cautious on the news with BP stock down 1.6% after the news reached Wall Street. "I think that many of us would have preferred a more traditional soft rock alternative such as "Coldplay" or maybe even something edgier like 'The Killers', said Oppenheimer fund manager Martin Stein. He continued, "I'm just not sure that a boy band will have the raw energy that is going to be needed to satisfy the energy needs of clean up crews as well as emotional understanding of suicidal housewife's who's husbands will now be sitting at home drinking for the next 10 years".

Car-Henric Svanberg, BP Chairman, offered further insight via BP's official website:

"The reality for the Gulf Region is that without our help the radio waves will be dominated by Country, Folk, and other depressive genres including Grunge and perhaps some sort of Disco Opera. The Gulf needs a Pop Rock band that it can trust and we are willing to make the investment in a group that can range from R&B to Power Pop and beyond".
BP contends that it carefully studied the effects of several types of music and can say with complete confidence that a boy band will win the hearts of the Gulf people who have long suffered under Jazz and Traditional Blues. A promotional ad featuring the fisherman below will air later this month, tryouts for the band will begin in the coming weeks at the Companies London headquarters.

The name 'Beyond 5' has already been floated and the group is expected to produce several top ten hits prior to one or more of the underpaid singers disbanding for a more lucrative solo career.

As to any unused funds from the escrow account; rumors have surfaced that a new fast food chain specializing in Cornish Pasty and Bedfordshire Clangers will replace many of the bankrupt restaurants overlooking the blackened beaches.

Open Letter to Fans from Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert

CHN has received the following draft of Dan Gilbert's letter with the actual wording he used while dictating notes to his secretary.

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight; (Trying to score smack)

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. (But if he changes his mind I would suck on his asshole every night forever.)

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. (Which I prayed was to create the best moment ever for myself personally.)

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. (I'm just a bitter person in general.)

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. (Even though I recently fired many of them.)

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. (Too Science Fictiony? Should we delete that?)

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. (No Cleveland Nigger Slave does this to us and gets away with it.)

You have given so much and deserve so much more. (We charge $9 for $2 beer.)

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:


You can take it to the bank. (The bank of overly-fucked assholes, whereas Lebron James is the 'fucker' and the Cleveland clients are the 'fukees')

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. (Why was he not considering my selfishness before his. Fuck this sucks for me.)

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. (That SOB is going to score so much hot Miami ass... which is not like the cellulite ridden, unkempt Cleveland asses)

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. (Fuck, that's exactly how it works)

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become. (Nigga Slaves)

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio. (That sounds really, really, really, stupid - should I leave that in?)

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. (Doing "right" by Cleveland should herein refer to "whatever is in my self interest")

Just watch. (Please watch our team, I would hate for anyone to watch Miami who will be awesome)

Sleep well, Cleveland. (RIP)

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day.... (yet much colder and gloomier than Miami)

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: (Trying to blame Lebron for everything bad that happens to me)

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue.... (At least one year ahead of the Clippers)

Dan Gilbert (Fuck my life)
Majority Owner (For the moment)
Cleveland Cavaliers (Shit Town Hoopsters For Life)

(CHN. 2010)
Wyoming Residents Please Add Sales Tax

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Gulf Wildlife Debuts Multi-National Oil Company

New Competition May Further BP's Quarterly Losses

Galveston, TX (CHN) - It's been nearly a month since the tragic explosion and catastrophic oil spill began seeping from British Petroleum's Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig. The problems, however, continue to mount for BP and it's human subsidiaries. In a hastily crafted and oil soaked letter to the Securities and Exchange Commission, the wildlife living in and around the Gulf of Mexico have filed the preliminary documents for America's first 'animal run and operated' oil company.

The Filing confirms what human executives throughout 'big oil' have always feared, an animal run oil company capable of profiteering from today's larger, faster, and increasingly fucked-up oil spills.

"I think they are running a sweat shop; you see endangered Alabama Red-Bellied Turtles gulping down as much oil as they can and then washing up half dead on the beaches of Lafourche Parish, Louisiana. I mean the pay can't be that good," said a market analyst for Exxon-Mobile.

So are the executives at 'big wildlife' getting away with murder just to get the product to market?

While profits seem unlimited with free oil gushing into the gulf every minute; some wildlife representatives are pushing for better worker safety and unionization of the water foul that now carry 60% of the oil to shore where free labor from human volunteers removes the product and sends it to final market.

"So far the promises from big wildlife, notably Sperm Whales and Bottlenose Dolphins, are just that... promises," said an anonymous spokesperson from Greenpeace who believes that wildlife's first oil company is exploiting symbiotic aquatic relationships far beyond basic parasite extraction.

Industry insiders claim that it has always been assumed that sea life would make its presence felt in the multi-trillion dollar oil economy. Celebrity angler Roland Martin discussed the prospects of the new company with CHN this morning:

They have always had the populations and 'street sense' to bring the toxic goo to market. Unfortunately, they just lacked the deep-water drilling rigs capable of precisely tapping wells several miles under the ocean floor (using dynamic space age technologies derived by the worlds top engineers) and then spilling it all over the fucking place so that it could be safely brought to shore".

Now, according to industry analysts, beach-goers, and the clientele of the Red Lobster the whole system seems to be up and running for the long haul.

But experts warn that with profits pouring in and government watchdogs largely turning a blind eye, that the exploitation of gulf labor could get even worse. "I think you are going to start to see more and more illegal migratory water foul signing on to work the gulf over the coming weeks" said U.S. Fish and Wildlife biologist Gilbert Valeo. Valeo continued, "Migrant birds have already been spotted leaving Latin America and Mexico a full 2 weeks ahead of their normal summer schedule".

But the new multinational company, dubbed 'Free Oil Beatches' has had little push back so far and now has an IPO set for early June to boot. However, aquatic memories of the 1989 'Oil for Salmon' embargo by Killer Whales (following the Exxon Valdez spill) has fish populations swimming randomly about in schools of various sizes, just as they did in 1989 according to snorkelers.

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