Cash Advance Will Secure Ailing State's Budget Through 2009
by: Amanda Westgate, Comedy Hub Political Analist
Sacramento, CA (CHN) - With California Legislators still locked in a protracted stalemate; the Governor's office announced late Thursday afternoon that the states balance sheet may not be headed for catastrophe after all. Just as Sacramento was preparing to issue IOU's for payments to state creditors; Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was inking the final details of a very sweet revenue enhancement that is projected to save taxpayers from a flurry of proposed fee and sales tax increases.
According to a release from the Governor's Office the windfall stemmed from an urgent email received last week from Nyerere Ojo Udelya, close relative and confidant of former Nigerian Oil Minister Suleman Tanko Usahm. Unfortunately for Mr. Usahm, the Nigerian government was overturned and he was placed under house arrest with all assets frozen by the new regime. He needed to transfer a total sum of $23Billion to an offshore non-resident in order to protect the money from insurgents who took over the Nigerian Capital. Because the Oil Ministry would have lost everything, they have agreed to donate $22 Billion of the reserves to "The Fine Sir's and Madame's of California Republic" keeping just $1 Billion for themselves.
Schwarzenegger agreed to expedite the transaction by forwarding all banking account numbers and Calpers retirement fund passwords to Mr. Udelya who has agreed to handle the risk-free deposit from his undisclosed location.
But the deal required a steady hand from the Governor as negotiation of the cash infusion appeared doomed when California's primary checking account, held by Washington Mutual, was nearly wiped out by the banks failure and eventual takeover by JP Morgan Chase. The account holding nearly 14 billion in State Reserves largely disappeared save for the $100K that was protected through FDIC insurance. That remaining $100K was invested astutely with guru fund manager Bernie Madoff - Wall Street's only sure bet.
"Certainly the announcement today by the Governor and the confirmation fax sent by Mr. Udelya will go a long way towards regenerating confidence in the State Legislature and the Governors Office as we combat the unparalleled challenge of trying to raise taxes on downtrodden citizens while cutting absolutely no government spending whatsoever," stated Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez.
The official announcement came with an update from Mike Jimenez, President of The California Correctional and Peace Officers Association that base salaries would increase 28% annually over the next 8 years instead of the prior contract which limited salary increases to a paltry 21% per year. "Thanks to the quick work of the Governor and Mr. Udelya, men and women with hardly more than a high school diploma can continue to earn 6 digit salaries," said Mr. Jimenez while he held up a large sack with a green dollar sign sewn into the fabric.
Update: June 9th 2009, Governor Schwarzenegger still waiting for the check from Mr. Udelya; will now implement non-conventional methods to raise state revenue