Saturday, December 20, 2008

Local Furniture Store Gets 46.2 Billion from TARP

Taxpayers Question Latest Bailout Target
by: Tab Wiggins, Comedy Hub Washington DC Burea
12-21-08 8:35 EST

Norfolk, VA based Sittybank "Love Seats n' Stools for Less" has announced the receipt
of over 46 billion dollars in Cash and loan guarantees that should help the single
location retailer brave the current downtrend in specialty seating and foot rests.

Owner Mitch Saderstrom announced news of the equity infusion via email to close friends and registered customers who are signed up to receive advance sale announcements prior to release in the 'Penny Saver'.

"We are pleased to report that Sittybank will continue to offer long term financing to qualified customers at competitive rates.... we also would like to announce that we are extending the 10% off all 3-piece sectionals through January. Lastly, we are making a tender offer to purchase General Electric the worlds 12th largest company according to Forbes Magazine."

Mr. Saderstrom, who purchased the store from his Father-In-Law in 1984, was having a tough go of it when he wrote a letter to Hank Paulson back in mid-November asking for help. "Our 3rd quarter was slow" he wrote via postcard to the Federal Reserve who later brought the case to the Treasury Department. "Probably about $7,500 less than last year." Saderstrom noted.

The Norfolk Gazette quoted Saderstrom just one day after the payout arrived, "I understand that taxpayers are torn as to whether or not the federal government should be helping out small east coast specialty retailers with an extensive history of tax fraud, but I have 6 employees and I need to make sure I can make payroll next Tuesday.... so, this was a no-brainer (to ask for the funds) and it seems that the Treasury Department felt the same way."

General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt has not publicly responded to the all cash buyout of GE but it is widely expected that he may try to incite a bidding war for the ailing global conglomerate between Sittybank and JP Morgann Asbestos Removal of Little Rock, Arkansas. Immelt, well known for his bargaining ability, is under heavy pressure from shareholders to take any deal above the company's current $17.21 share price. Saderstom says he is not concerned "If we can't swing the GE deal we may go ahead and just pick up the BIG 3; I took autoshop in high school so it could be a nice compliment to Sittybank's existing assets.


Unknown said...

I submit for your consideration at Comedy Hub.

Sidenote: It is hard to actually categorize fraud by policy makers. I use the term "socialist" loosely to describe spoiled or mischievous leadership, who seek to put their debt on their neighbors after many years of enjoying the benefits of taking profits. ... The neighborhood brats who grew up to be economists and now create financial policy, such that they offload their debt obligations on you and your parents.

It difficult to document where such fiscal policy originated. But it is my sense that it originated in old Russia, or in surrounding communist nations, with aristocratic families who ran the country.

Please accept my apology for the loose and rough handling of the word socialism. I could not think of another one word interpretation of uncontrolled spending and reckless policy what leads to policy makers dumping aristocratic debt of 3 percent of the population onto the other 97 percent of the population, and then saying "we are all in this together," while they use the money paid to them, to pay out dividends to those who hold shares in their firm.

Seth said...

Brad this is a parody site and you are making a fool of yourself

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