Monday, February 1, 2010

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms To Extend Jurisdiction to 'Hoe Bags'

Department Elongates Acronym For The First Time In 42 Years

Washington (CHN): It's the Federal Government's toughest judicial branch and its job is to regulate and prevent a host of legal and illegal consumables and weapons from creating havoc on our streets. Originally created in 1886 under the U.S Treasury, the department has changed little save for the 1968 Gun Control Act that gave the Agency its current call sign - 'ATF'.

According to
Acting Director Kenneth E. Melson, "Times Change". "There has been a scourge of slut, both legal and contraband, tearing down the very fabric of this country" asserted Melson. Although officials in the Administration were downplaying the new role of the Bureau, Press Secretary Robert Gates was overheard telling Attorney General Eric Holder that loose women were to blame for Scott Brown's upset win in Massachusetts along with a host of other first year hick-ups suffered by the White House.

Department of Justice officials apparently debated for weeks on how best to include oversight of traditional 'pay for play' hookers with today's basic office whore. In the end, 'Hoe Bag' was the only term that seemed to cover every occurrence.

Resistance has been minimal as most hoe bags are wary about going public to support their sisters for fear of retribution from competitive groups such as cock teasers, fatties, and stay at home MILFs. But that hasn't stopped a few leading skanks from coming forward to oppose any and all new regulation. Madonna, Paris Hilton, and the estate of Anna Nicole Smith are leading a small but vocal faction of current and expired muff bait that legislators will come to blows with over the proposed change at the ATF (to ATF&HB).

"We know that monthly office blow jobs are good for roughly a 10% pay increase and bi-annual promotions in the service economy," said the re-nominated ATF&HB Deputy Director Bill Hoover. He concludes that "with the help of Congress we believe that our agency has the capability to reduce the so called 'Lewinsky Pay' to 10 additional sick days and petty cash handouts for knee pads. At that point the average office harlot would have to reconsider any advantage she is getting over her male peers".

Others are not certain that the department can make a difference. Ed Stevens, a human resource manager for a Fortune 500 company is a skeptic. "Today's working girl no longer has to take to the streets. In fact, here in my department alone we have six girls who gave up lucrative liaisons with Tiger Woods in order to get a classier gig... I just don't see that changing," said Stevens with shoulders overtly shrugged and an awkward smile that slowly grew into a full brimmed grin before being overpowered with a forced look of concern and regret.

Final passage of any strumpet based legislation is just one of many causes for concern for Republicans who oppose President Obama's 2011 budget proposal. GOP Senator, Judd Gregg, believes that a steady influx of 'cunt rags' now represent a far greater risk to the American people and is calling for a filibuster to see that the issue is debated on the floor. Nancy Pelosi has confirmed an earlier story that she will take a leave of absence during Congressional debate due to an obvious and substantial conflict of interest.


Wizard said...

The Department of Alcohol Tobacco Firearms and Hoe Bags is now getting involved in the Gilbert Arenas Case. That is once government agency that should have a heavy workload.

God Bless,
Gil Washington

Hoe Bags said...

Hoe Bags are a scourge on modern society and I for one am glad to see them regulated.

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