Wednesday, July 30, 2008

George Lucas taking "Clone Wars" Bluff All The Way To Theaters

by: H. Ford 6:35 am PST
Comedy Hub Intern

The Clone Wars are a series of fictional intragalactic battles in George Lucas's science fiction saga Star Wars that will be brought to theaters entirely because of a 2006 poker bet between George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. The "Clone Wars" conflict is first mentioned in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) and has not been targeted for the big screen in the following 31 years for good reason.

A unnamed source, present during the poker game, describes the dialogue between the two entertainment moguls during the now infamous wager:

Ok beard boy, I think your bluffing again, I'm calling you on your BS.
I'm from Modesto, CA.... we eat bullshit for breakfast there.
I'm aware of that and very tired of hearing about it.
I'll Tell you what, you retarded little elf, lets go all in - my pilot is bored.
How does this sound... I win the hand and you have to send your botched "Clone Wars" video game to theaters - no improvements to it - just a video game quality movie.
I could send a picture of me fucking ET to the theaters and make 500 million. You're on.

Spielberg's ten-three held up against the Lucas six-four hand sealing the deal for the approval of "Clone Wars". But assistants for George Lucas never thought he would go through with the bet; especially after viewing the third rate animation produced by out of work digital engineer Danny Stevens. Mr. Stevens, a former HR rep with Electronic Arts, had no real animation experience other than overhearing a few conversations related to the making of Madden NFL 2003.

But critics have universally applauded Lucas for his all out effort to comply with the poker bet which includes a fake website to promote the 'movie' and a 28 million dollar advertising campaign. A representative for Lucasfilm LTD admits that if the strategy works the average movie goer is "much much dumber than we ever could have imagined".

To further dilute the Lucas legacy there has been discussion that he will release a vhs copy of his attempt to beat the 1991 game "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link ". Lucas battles Link's enemies for approximately 3 hours before dieing at the hands of Ganon in the final screenshot.

Rumors have swirled for years that Spielberg went forward with Jurassic Park III (2001) only after losing a best 3 of 5 Rock-Paper-Scissors match to Lucas during a long night of drinking whiskey sours and a far-from-kosher bouillabaisse stew.

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