Los Angeles, CA (CHN): He lives vicariously through himself, causes rainfall with his sadness, and keeps a telephone book around just so he can tear it in half; but none of this mattered early Monday morning when actor Jonathan Goldsmith was let go after Dos Equis executives learned that anal leakage had forced the 74 year old actor to begin using adult incontinence diapers on a daily basis.
Goldsmith, a lifelong bit actor, landed the Dos Equis Campaign in 2006 and “passed every physical evaluation necessary” according to agent Tom Rosenburg.
The fuss began when a blogger from Encino, CA spotted Goldsmith buying an issue of ‘Home and Garden’ magazine, a carton of Virginia Slims, and two dozen Tranquility Brand “Premium Overnight Protective Underwear” in a Southern California Ralph’s Grocery Store. Mr. Rosenburg plans to file a wrongful termination suit stipulating that “no man should lose his job simply because liquid and solid waste dissipates uncontrollably from a bodily orifice." He added, “If such a standard were acceptable then how could anyone defend the hiring of Chris Harrison, host of ABC’s The Bachelor".
Dos Equis tried to dismiss the story as a hoax but soon realized that Jonathan Goldsmith was nothing more than a liability after parent company Heineken USA was served with a class action filing suggesting that ‘Dos Equis’ contained a type of barley long thought to increase estrogen levels and already proven as a non-reversible laxative by the FDA in 1984.
“It’s a sad day for beer drinkers across America” remarked 19 Year old College of The Canyons freshman Michael Ortiz as he sat clinging to an empty cardboard case of Dos Equis while patiently receiving a pedicure. “I don’t believe the accusations; what I do believe is that the man who is both right handed and left handed, whose blood smells like cologne, who once taught a German Shepherd to bark in Spanish is alive and well with a firm and capable sphincter … he's probably somewhere on an island that he discovered while fishing for sharks with his bare hands."