Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Obama's Call For A 'Defecate' Freeze May Have Been Teleprompter Error

Constipated Americans Demand Answers Following State of The Union Speech

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Millions of Americans and a Joint Session of Congress began the unusual task of defecation avoidance following President Obama's 2nd official 'State of The Union' address Tuesday night.  

The President's speech lasting some 64 minutes was a call for fiscal and digestive restraint as unemployment continues to hover near 10%.  Congress loudly cheered the President's call for unity in the aftermath of the Tuscon shooting that left 6 dead and Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords fighting for her life; however his request for fecal restraint garnered little applause from the joint session.  

Environmentalists and waste water treatment employees nationwide are cheering the first ever call for Americans to cease pooping.  

However, the 5-year 'freeze on defecate expenditures' has already been criticized by Republicans as another far left scheme that eventually will force Congress to cut defense spending or possibly even raise medicare allotments for intestinal combustion.

Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin delivered the Republican response and roundly criticized the President's speech.  Ryan sees the anti-defecate plan as "just another attempt by this President to usurp the basic liberties of the American people." He added, "We warned that 'Obamacare' was too far reaching and this confirms our most dreaded fears; lets keep government out of our gastrointestinal system". 

According to reports, an anonymous spokesman for the Administration later stated "... to our knowledge there was no teleprompter malfunction as some in the press have suggested. However, some portions of the Presidents speech were intended as goals that may take years to achieve, as such, the President "recognizes, as always, that all crapping related bills are originated in Congress."

Mr. Obama chose to ignore ongoing calls to release his original, so-called 'long form birth certificate', following last weeks announcement from Hawaiian Governor Neil Abercrombie that he is unable to produce the document.  Democratic strategists have labeled those demanding the documentation 'Birthers' and now have now dubbed right wing critics of the Presidents tough digestive plan as 'Shitters'.  


CHN said...

Constipated Americans Demand Answers Following State of The Union Speech

Christian Laettner said...

I have to shit sooo bad. I hope this gets cleared up soon.

Anonymous said...

Luckily I always shit during the State of The Union Speech... So I am good for another 20 hours or so depending on what I have for dinner.

Regular Eddie

Habib said...

Either way this is a good opportunity to clean our bathrooms for the first time.

(the guy running every gas station and mini mart in America)

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