Monday, April 27, 2009

United Airlines Partners with Greyhound to Bring You The Worst Travel Experience of Your Life

New Alliance Will Forever Change Travel In America

Chicago (CHN): Greyhound Bus Lines has signed a 10 year agreement with America's most miserable Airline in hopes of securing a near total monopoly in the torture/travel segment. "It's a niche industry, probably not for everyone" admitted Greyhound CEO Dave Leach. "We focus our marketing on the vehicle impaired, those with no desire to travel at reasonable speed, and recently released convicted felons".

The business model was a clear match for United Airlines who released the following statement via PR Newswire:

"We have been fascinated by Greyhounds business model for years, clearly nobody has ever enjoyed a trip on a Greyhound Bus, to a Greyhound Station, or the experience of cleaning the gum and urine off their clothes when completing a trip. Yet somehow they keep those buses full of angry travelers every day".
-United Airlines President Glenn F. Tilton

United Airlines specializes in pushing their customers to the edge of human sanity by bumping confirmed ticket holders and overbooking flights often by over 20%. "I get asked all the time why we overbook the flights by such a high margin" remarked Tilton. "That's a trade secret but I'll give you a hint: We hate our customers and sort of don't give a fuck".

Greyhound is expected to replace United's local value service dubbed "Ted" which folded in early 2009 because of 'high fuel costs'. Tilton told UAL board members that "If all goes well you will see Greyhound buses at every major airport that we service; the expected increase in suicides by our customers should make our current overbooking percentage right on the money, so were are going to the raise the stakes and just double book every seat we sell" concluded Tilton.

Greyhound has been spurred on by low cost travelers who are not concerned with Swine Flu contraction, smells, or personal comfort. A nationwide Media blitz set to run next week ups the ante by reporting the fact that not one person has been murdered on a Greyhound Bus in the past 60 days.

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