Demand To End Speculation Results In Consensus Decision
by: Dillon Radigan, Comedy Hub Newswire, 11:55 PST
Steve Jobs, storied CEO and savior of Apple Computer is schedule to die on March 4th, 2009 and will be buried the following Sunday afternoon according to analysts at Goldman Sachs.
JP Morgan Tech Adviser Samuel Nueburger agrees with the first call analysis and adds: "The Jobs funeral should not affect 1st quarter results because the Apple executive health plan does not include funeral expenses." Nueburger added that "the Goldman Sachs estimate puts a firm calendar stop on estimated hospice care for Mr. Jobs which could run in excess of $1,200 per day and will start on January 29th".
"We estimate that closing costs on Steve Jobs life will run approximately 1450 Ipod Nanos. This undercut previous estimates of 1920-2000 Ipod Nanos which is helping to push up AAPL stock back to near $100 levels.
Mr. Jobs, who has lost significant weight over the past several years, has been under increased scrutiny to disclose health records to shareholders and investors who are concerned that his cancer may have returned. Jobs' lack of presence at this years Mac World event added additional questions.
The Goldman Sachs forecast relies entirely on Apple Final Cut Studio 2 software that allowed the investment bank to input digital pictures into the program from the past 6 Mac World Conferences to monitor Mr. Jobs weight loss.
"The program helped us to determine that Steve will shrink below his current bone structure by March 1, 2009. We are not doctors but we have never witnessed a man become skinnier than his current skeletal girth... this software is really awesome," noted intern Jacob Fryman.
CNBC has also just reported that ITUNES will soon enact 'variable pricing' for song downloads (.69 to 1.29 per song); this appears to have been set up to lower the cost of using Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven" at the Jobs service. "It should be a real tear jerker and at just .69 for the song - Apple shareholders can sleep a bit better tonight" added Nueburger.
Jobs will be buried in a black mock neck shirt and blue jeans and should be survived by wife Laurene Powell, and daughter Lisa Brennan-Jobs. Presiding over the funeral will be Zen Buddhist monk Kobun Chino Otogowa who married Lisa and Steve back in 1991. The above file photo of Jobs has already been forwarded to newspapers across the country for use in the obituary section.