Wednesday, September 8, 2010

BP: Investigation Reveals Spill Caused By Textbook Clusterfuck

Perfect Storm of Bad Shit Happened

(CHN)- BP PLC on Wednesday issued a long-awaited investigative report that says a complex series of failures and bad decisions—by itself and other companies—led to the deadly Deepwater Horizon disaster in the U.S. Gulf of Mexico in April. The heart of the three page report focused on 'fucked up shit' that all went wrong at once.

BP Scientists in the past normally concluded that spills and loss of life accidents were the result of Murphy's Law. Today's report was in stark contrast; the spill was almost certainly caused by a total catastrophic clusterfuck.

Critics had suggested that basic equipment failure to the blowout preventer (caused by dead batteries) and lack of care regarding unusual pressure readings combined with a hurried desire to tap the well (on schedule) forced subcontractors and BP management to panic.

BP has laid those claims to rest and confirmed unequivocally that 'tons of really bad shit just all happened at once'. BP added a video to its website whereas a jogger's hat falls off and then immediately lands on another runners head. The lesson learned by BP investigators: 'crazy things that you never thought of can happen; knock on wood that this doesn't happen again anytime soon'.

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