Saturday, October 29, 2011

David Freese Realizing That New Corvette Only Allows Him To Bang One Chick At A Time

Requesting To Swap The MVP Prize With Some Sort Of Bus/Van

Freese, above, had no way to know how much sex he was going to be 
offered when he accepted the Chevy Corvette

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ghost Of Gaddafi 'Far Less Frightening' Than Libyans Anticipated

Former Leader's Ghost Showing Up In Well Lit Areas And Generally Singing Rather Benign Aretha Franklin Songs

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Business: Top 10 Signs Your Employees Are Having Sex On Your Desk

10.  Rolodex Looks Disheveled Every Monday

9. Various Sets of Breast Imprints Keep Showing Up On Your Monitor

8.  Phone Earpiece Has Some Really Wierd Goo On It

7.  Used Condoms In Your Coffee Cup

6. Web History Shows Extremely Romantic Playlist On Netflix.  You Don't Have Netflix.

5. Un-Used Condoms Under Your Label Maker And In Every Desk Drawer

4. Shredder Basket Always Seems To Be Full Of Shredded Underwear

3. Your Stapler Is Sticking Out Of Your Receptionist's Butt

2. Every Time You Come Back To The Office Everyone Is Smoking Cigarettes

1.  Jizz Everywhere

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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Barack Obama Keeps Checking With Extended Family To See If His Name Should Have One 'R' or Two.

Prayer Changes Fucking Up All Kinds Of Shit At Local Church

Catholic Parishioners Believe That Third Edition Of Roman Missal May Be Bullshit

Culver City, CA (CHN)— It has some traditions that are over a thousand years old, but now the Catholic Church is undergoing a remodel of some of it's most basic weekly rituals. Familiar words said within Catholic mass will indeed soon change with the adaptation of the third edition of the Roman Missal, a book that dictates Sunday service's worldwide. 

File Photo:  LA Cardinal Roger Mahoney who
 has still never gone to jail as of presstime
"I don't know a lot yet," said longtime church member Phil Gardner, "but I understand that it's going to bring some of the Latin phrasing back and change the translations to several parts of the responsorial prayers."

He continued, "This will likely result in a lot of fucked up responses and confusion, I mean was God listening last week when we all apparently said the wrong damn thing?"

Mr. Gardner does not seem to be alone. Saint Peter elementary student Martina Rios told CHN that she basically "just sort of figured out what is happening at Church, and now I have to learn all sorts of new fucking bullshit."

Janet Garcia,  a 66 year old member of the Saint Josephs Choir, had a firm message for church leadership, "I think that the Pope should have sent us a picture of his balls along with this bullshit request to change the Church Service. After six decades of consistent prayer it seems to me that it would require a huge set of fucking balls to ask me to change my weekly regiment."

An undisclosed Vatican Survey from 2006 seems to be behind the new Missal. However, the request to re-translate historic Latin text seems to have been one of the lesser requests by English speaking Catholics worldwide who have long been struggling with controversial policy such as birth control.

Thirteen year old Altar-Boy Niel Salmons says that the changes he would most support are, "the shortening of Mass to 30 minutes and to not relocate priests accused of anal rape to other congregations where they will likely continue to perform anal rape on children".

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dolphin Intelligence Questioned After Failed Tracheotomy Operation On Snorkler

Botched Surgery Proves 'Less Than Satisfactory' Understanding Of The Otolaryngological Procedure

Marina Del Rey, CA (CHN) - A pod of 6 Pacific White-Sided Dolphins en-route from Alaska to Baja California may have given experts all the information they need regarding the decades long question surrounding the intelligence of dolphins. 

The scene played out right in front of local beach-goers Tom and Nancy McClellan who noticed a snorkler struggling to stay afloat after a rogue wave pushed him hard into the rocky surf and then pulled him offshore.  "We knew he was in trouble when we saw that wave coming in. He must have gone under for 30 seconds or so before those good for nothin' dolphins brought him to the surface and performed unsuccessful surgery on his windpipe".  

Developed Photos From The Divers Camera Likely 
Shows The 6 Dolphins That Set Back The Entire Species
In the end the McClellan's were right; the diver did not survive the multi-hour ordeal and now local residents have had to admit that dolphins (and sea mammals in general) may not be as 'smart' as once thought.  

Coast Guard Captain Monty Stern was on his break just South of Venice Beach when 2 of the dolphins approached from his starboard bow and frantically started performing flips and high pitched squeaks.  

File Photo From TV's Baywatch
"It was pretty annoying," recalls Stern who said "the fish kept swimming out and then back, back and forth like they really wanted me to follow them".  

Ninety minutes later Stern was one of the first to reach the injured diver after an additional dolphin and a Grey Whale pushed his 22' cruiser to within site of the accident victim. 

Preliminary autopsy reports show that the cause of death was trauma and a crushed larynx. The diver has not been identified at press time pending next-of-kin notification.  

The Los Angeles Coroners Office has confirmed that the dolphins tried to perform an emergency tracheotomy. "Honestly this is probably the worst thyroid cartilage incision I have seen in recent years," said Coroner Greg Faulk.  He continued, "Everything I see here confirms what witnesses on site viewed; a generally non-sterile procedure performed by poorly trained Cetacean's".

Successful Operation Requires Delicate Incisions And Fine Motor 
Skills According To Human Surgeons

"Suffice to say, we are disappointed and shocked,"  admitted Marine Biologist Herb Crooner.  While the dolphins did do some things right such as protecting the vocal folds and stabilizing the tracheal rings; the fact is humans have been able to perform this surgery for nearly 100 years and for almost 50 years without high incidence of infection.  "I guess some people might be happy to say that a fish is as smart as humans were in the year 1900, but I don't think that's going to get more people through the gates at SeaWorld".

But ten year old boogie border Skyler Crane disagreed.  "The dolphins tried really hard to save the man who couldn't talk".  "They swam to me and pushed me over to help, but I was kind of scared".  "One of the Dolphins pushed my board under the man to keep him up while the others opened his neck and put a piece of wood or a straw into his neck.  Right before the man stopped moving one of the dolphins pushed my hand to touch the man's hand and he squeezed it. Then the dolphins swam around us very slowly and then they swam away when the boat came".

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Sunday, October 2, 2011

Spontaneous Orgasms Causing Public Safety Nightmare In Wisconsin

'Perfect Storm' Of Sports Victories To Blame
Badgers 'Gangbang' Tackling Style Only Worsened Crisis
Milwaukee, WI (CHN) -  Governor Scott Brown took to the airwaves for the 2nd time in the past 24 hours to urge residents across the state to keep transportation lines clear so that first responders could reach thousands of people injured or displaced by an onslaught of orgasms affecting nearly every citizen in 'America's Dairyland'. 

The orgasms, were thought to have peaked Saturday evening following the Wisconsin Badgers total dismantling of the rival Cornhuskers in front of a national tv audience.  "If anyone had blue balls after that game, well they just aren't human," said 3rd year pre-law student Sandee Westfield who found a front yard hose to wash off her feet and face after leaving Camp Randall Stadium. 

Accidents on Wisconsin highways and major cleanups at local sports bars made travel and food safety a challenge Saturday night but officials were optimistic that spent fans would stay home and rest Sunday.  

However, despite the numerous warnings to masturbate before Game 2 of the Brewers/Diamondback game it appears that the caution had little effect as massive and repetitive orgasms by both men and women triggered a hysteria of slip and falls and smoking incidents during the 5-run Brewer 6th inning Sunday afternoon.

Manager Ron Roenicke begged fans to remain calm in a postgame interview.  But after Roenicke watched a replay of Jonathan Lucroy's safety squeeze during the ESPN recap his only discernible on air comment to Suzy Kolber was "oh fuck....oh my God.... shit, oh, oh.  fuck". 

Just moments earlier, across the state in Green Bay fans were treated to an afternoon delight extraordinaire as the Super-Bowl defending Packers crushed the Broncos to remain undefeated. 
Aaron Rodgers Boyish Good Looks and 6 Touchdowns
Had Fans Dumping Viagara In The Gutters And Begging For Mercy
PA announcer Gary Kincaid urged Packer fans to think of nuns playing poker following the National Anthem.  However, the warning fell on deaf ears as the Green Bay Cheerleaders were nearly drowned following the 'pick-six' by Charles Woodsen at the end of the 1st quarter.

Women Statewide Are Said To Be 'Shaving' Like Bernie

"We never really thought that this could happen here," said State Health Official Robin Taylor.  She paused in confusion but later added "everyone around here is always so drunk, it just didn't seem like a realistic threat".

"I had no-idea I could squirt like that," admitted Brewer season ticket holder Samantha Miller. "I would have apologized to the guy in front of me, but he had already laid down on the concourse cement for a nap.

Middle school boys are not expected to return to class for several weeks.  State officials are promising delivery of  kleenex and high pressure sprayers by Tuesday.  Hardest hit are the elderly who 'just don't have the means or desire to clean up' according to sources.  

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