Friday, August 24, 2012

Norway Killer Sentencing Will Be 'Kind of Tough'

Pain In The Butt Punishment To Cramp Style Of Man Who Murdered 77 Innocent People

Oslo, Norway (CHN) - Anders Behring Breivik was sentenced to 21 years in prison Friday morning in an Oslo courtroom for his twin terror attacks in Norway last year and will likely not have access to Pay Per Movies or The Food Network while in prison.

Mr. Breivik, dressed in a dark suit and charcoal-colored necktie, smirked as the verdict was read against him in a packed courtroom.   Breivik will be forced to serve nearly 3 1/2 months for each innocent boy, girl, and adult supervisor that he shot, stabbed, and exploded to death during Norway's most heinous single crime ever committed.

The judge adding that "his vicious blood thirsty attack upon defenseless children shall result in very limited conjugal visits with state financed prostitutes or the very best sex manikins that money can buy".

Before the judge read the sentence, Mr. Breivik launched his trademark right wing salute, thrusting his right arm in the air while making a fist. It is unclear if the convicted mass murderer realized that he will not be able to kill the friends and families of his victims for at least 10 years or so depending on final release adjustments for good behavior. 

Those knowledgeable about Norway's correction system believe that Breivik will probably be super uncomfortable for a few weeks because the bedding and pillows in the Oslo's maximum detention facility are all brand new and haven't been properly broken in yet. Sources indicate that all prisoners can absolutely forget about the opportunity of listening to ABBA unless they listen to the music being playing by correctional officers which can be up to 30 meters away from the prisoners exercise area.  

The mass-murderer is scheduled to spend his first few months in the prison's rehabilitation center where he will try to strengthen and increase flexibility in his left elbow which has been 'tight with slight inflammation' ever since he used a knife to repeatedly stab and eviscerate a group of wounded victims that had attempted to swim off the island into the frigid Norwegian Sea.  


Sunday, August 12, 2012

Southern California Biologists To Tranquilize Redheaded Human

Scientists Hope That Its Not Too Late To Save Struggling Female

Malibu, CA (CHN) - A Marine Biologist team from Monterey, CA will join a 12 member group from the LA Zoo to attempt a rather ambitious plan to subdue and study a struggling Southern California bi-ped.  If all goes well the large female will get a full medical check up and a GPS tracking device that Scientists say will warn local restaurant goers and motorists of the beasts location.   

'Multiple Shots From The Tranq Gun May Be Required' According To Biologists

"We rarely see such specimens outside of Mississippi and Alabama mostly because of the high taxes on cigarettes and lack of open space.  She may have been following a catering truck and just got out of her normal territory before becoming confused and totally un-sexy looking," said wildlife expert Ross Martinez.

"The last thing we want to do is put her down", admitted Martinez; "but we have to take into consideration how terrible this creature looks since the movie 'Mean Girls'. 


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Toyota Recalls 7.4m Cars Due To 'Smells Like Ass'

Summer Temperatures May Have Caused Shit Stench To Worsen

Toyota announced this morning it would recall about 2.5 million cars and trucks in the United States and 7.4 million vehicles worldwide to fix a persistent smell of human excrement. There are no reports of major injuries from the problem, but it comes after Toyota told U.S. officials earlier this year that the problem wasn't that serious and didn't require a recall. 

The recall -- the largest by any automaker since 1996 -- involves inspecting and if necessary replacing any carpeting or leather covered with brown stains, presumably from butt juice created during the manufacturing process. 

The move reverses a stance Toyota took earlier this year, when the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration opened an investigation in February after a flurry of complaints.  At that time a public release by Toyota simply read 'He who smelt it... dealt it'.

The NHTSA upgraded its investigation in June, a step that often leads to a recall.
Toyota chief executive Akio Matsaka confirms that a combination of ball sweat and sphincter juice by one employee at their Durham, NC assembly plant was most likely the cause.  Darrel Rayburn, well known for his moist viscous farting has been identified by all members of the plant as the likely culprit.  Various reports of sticky switches and super nasty ass smell are believed to have combined to cause nausea and loss of fine motor skills during overheating.

Owners will start receiving notices to have their cars smelled at dealerships later this month; the procedure should take about an hour and will include a wet wipe and 3 'Pine Tree' type air fresheners. The models covered by the recall include a range of vehicles from the 2007 Yaris to the 2009 Highlander Hybrid.  CHN.2012

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