Monday, March 15, 2010

Jake Sully: Hometree Downfall Was Due to Distractive 'Nip Slips'

Na'vi Hero Looks Backs On An Epic Struggle To Save A Planet Despite The Constant Distractions of Neytiri's Blue Nipples

Pandora, Alpha Centauri (CHN): Jake Sully never would have guessed that just a year after accepting big bucks to provide some extra muscle for a mining company on Polyphemus' moon that he would be putting the final touches on a tell all book 'Avatar' and oh yeah btw, he is now a 10' tall dragon taming hero. Sully tells CHN that he is taking that and his presumed life long love affair with Na'vi Princess Neytiri all in stride.

"It's been a rollercoaster", said Sully as he looked back on how he gave his word to help kill and displace the blue sapient humaniods only to eventually provide for the killing and displacement of just some of them in addition to the unexpected killing of the humans that hired him. "What a ride!" shouted Sully, as he opened up on the details during a lengthy 162 minute story (that required two bathroom breaks) before completion. Jake described his transition from a stereotypical white Army Jar-head to the 'Awesomest member of the Na'vi tribe'. "These blue giants love me," boosts Sully.

"I almost gave into Colonel Miles Quaritch because he promised me my legs back," admitted the formerly paraplegic Sully. "The Colonel had no idea that the Na'vi offered me a giant blue body, a princess, delicious fruits, my own dragon thing, and what I'm hoping will soon be a full unobstructed view of Neytiri's nipples.

Critics have applauded Jake Sully's effort, but have taken Sully to task over his admittedly, 'complete and full desire' to get a 'good straight look at Neytiri's lung pillows'. Sully writes, "Often I found myself sort of noticing what I thought was areola out of the corner of my eye; I would quickly turn my head for a better look. Inevitably, it would always be too late or it was just that damn beaded body decor again. Believe me, I knew where those melon tips should have been and I kept trying to sneak a look without anyone noticing".

But was the titty taunting purposeful or just the coquettish way of the Na'vi? Sully admits that he really can't be sure even though he has asked the Tree of Voices many times about blue funbags in addition to other topics such as the elusive Na'vi g-spot and if any sort of contraception exists in their culture aside from the traditional pull-out method.

Sully offered us the following sneak peak into Avatar the book:

"In retrospect, maybe my constant infatuation with Neytiri's baby feeders were not the only factor that fell Hometree. I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the Na'vi female genitalia looked like and I guess I disappeared more than a few times to just get to know myself a little bit better. This whole thing may stem from my infatuation with the 1980's American Cartoon The Smurfs and my carnal desire to get just one peak at that little strumpet Smurfette.

Clearly as the plot unfolded around me I should have picked up on the obvious connection between today's search for the mineral (Unobtanium) and the plundering 150 years ago by Americans for oil that led them to destroy the pristine Muslim culture of the Middle East for no reason whatsoever. I mean, no reason other than retribution for George Bush knocking down two buildings in New York as a trick that he could blame on loving and defenseless Muslims.

But as time passes, I've learned to stop beating myself up for the fall of Hometree and to stop beating off to the thought of a clear sight line to those boob buttons.

In fact, who could have guessed that the hired guns from the RDA Corporation would want to knock over a gigantic tree that would then only be in their way as they tried to access and excavate the surrounding area for the valuable Unobtanium. Seems like they might have considered using a "slope mine" excavation technique just like Americans were using 200 years ago; it's more efficient and a good method to protect against environmental factors such as erosion and deforestation. It would have saved the RDA Corporation a ton of money that they spent on bombing and it would have left the tree in place for like... a cool tourist area or something.

I suppose I just should have known better. If a huge company led by white people is left to their own devices, the first thing they will seek is the destruction of native peoples, their religion, and culture (even if they have no profit motive to do so). But none of that matters now because I helped unite a coalition of the willing to repel the evil mining company henchmen. We even made sure to ship them all off of our planet forever; their kind just aint welcome here. On Pandora, it's go blue or go home.



18 comments:

Sandy said...

Word has it that James Cameron has saved the official Avatar Sex Scene for the DVD release. Here is a link:
http://www.movieline.com/2010/01/avatars-deleted-sex-scene-straight-from-the-script.php

Maybe a few nip slips will also be in the Avatar deleted scenes!!!

Nicoles Review said...

LOL - I think we all have been wondering about the nipples or "nip slips" in Avatar. I swear I saw nipple!!!

http://reluctantadults.blogspot.com/2009/12/nicoles-naughty-review-of-avatar.html

CHN said...

Nip Slips are great in any color; I will take blue and I will also take them at waterparks:
http://comedyhub.blogspot.com/2009/06/waterpark-provides-likely-opportunity.html#links

Seth said...

James Cameron Discusses Na’vi Boobs
Dan Zinski | Feb 25, 2010 | 33 comments

It never occurred to me that this was an issue, but apparently, some people are annoyed that the Na’vi have boobs, because technically the Na’vi aren’t mammals and therefore shouldn’t possess mammaries. This whole quasi-controversy falls roughly under the heading of Stuff Know-it-All Geeks Whine About on IMDb Because What Else Are They Going to Fill Their Empty Hours With?, but nevertheless, James Cameron felt compelled to address it. Speaking to James Lipton and his audience of film school students on a soon-to-be-aired Inside the Actors Studio, Cameron said the following about Na’vi boobage and why it exists:

Because this is a movie for human people.

That’s a much better answer than the one I might’ve expected. You know, something along the lines of, “Well, you see, the Na’vi are actually descended from blahblahblah so the breasts are really vestigial blahblahblah and they still serve a decorative blahblahblah function…” Thank you James Cameron for not insulting us by making up some crap just to placate the five nitwits who think this matters. “People like boobs so we gave the Na’vi boobs” is more than sufficient.

Playboy Online said...

James Cameron Reveals His Quest to Build More Perfect CGI Boobs

In a decade since the launch of Titanic, the eyes of humanity have focused on the James Cameron laboratory wondering what leap forward would emerge, what gifts he would bestow on our species?

Having built and sunk and ocean liner, were there any mountains left or had humanity been already given all the tools it needed to ensure its eternal contentment?

As we stand on the cusp of revelation, media speculation has focused on the innovations in filmmaking Avatar will bring our suffering world; new digital tools that revolutionize 3D photography, like a "Fusion Camera System" that will perhaps make 3D the multiplex standard for decades to come.

But in an interview with Playboy, Cameron revealed that all this Fusion Systeming and "Facial Performance Replacement" has really been just the nuts and bolts and that the real mission of the Avatar team has always been creating the perfect computer-generated screen boobs for the character Neytiri, a motion-captured rendition of actress Zoe Saldana; a problem so complex and difficult that it apparently took a team of hundreds a decade to solve it to Cameron's exacting standards.

Discussing the film, the interview focused on the mytho-historical place of cartoon women in our society before turning to the matter of Avatar's technological breakthrough:

PLAYBOY: We seem to need fantasy icons like Lara Croft and Wonder Woman, despite knowing they mess with our heads.
CAMERON: Most of men's problems with women probably have to do with realizing women are real and most of them don't look or act like Vampirella. A big recalibration happens when we're forced to deal with real women, and there's a certain geek population that would much rather deal with fantasy women than real women. Let's face it: Real women are complicated. You can try your whole life and not understand them.

Playboy Online said...

Continued....

PLAYBOY: How much did you get into calibrating your movie heroine's hotness?
CAMERON: Right from the beginning I said, "She's got to have tits," even though that makes no sense because her race, the Na'vi, aren't placental mammals. I designed her costumes based on a taparrabo, a loincloth thing worn by Mayan Indians. We go to another planet in this movie, so it would be stupid if she ran around in a Brazilian thong or a fur bikini like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.

PLAYBOY: Are her breasts on view?
CAMERON: I came up with this free-floating, lion's-mane-like array of feathers, and we strategically lit and angled shots to not draw attention to her breasts, but they're right there. The animation uses a physics-based sim that takes into consideration gravity, air movement and the momentum of her hair, her top. We had a shot in which Neytiri falls into a specific position, and because she is lit by orange firelight, it lights up the nipples. That was good, except we're going for a PG-13 rating, so we wound up having to fix it. We'll have to put it on the special edition DVD; it will be a collector's item. A Neytiri Playboy Centerfold would have been a good idea.

PLAYBOY: So you're okay with arousing PG-13 chubbies?
CAMERON: If such a thing should ­happen—and I'm not saying it will—that would be fine.

As ever in society, the real innovators will go unheralded. Generations of schoolchildren will gaze upon Neytiri's bosom without ever knowing the names of the heroic scientists who gave ten years of their lives to make the dream of those breasts a reality.

Neytiri is hot said...

Neytiri Picture: http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/7/2009/11/500x_custom_1258052957690_avatar-hi-res3-1024x575.jpg

Matt said...

I think that Blue Nipples just need to be loved and warmed up more than non-blue nipples.

Matt.

James Camren said...

I know that I saw Neytiri's nipples or boob buttons or lung pillows during the movie. Can't wait for the DVD of Avatar so I can zoom in on her blue boobs.

Stand aside Smurfette, there is a new blue woman in control of my heart.

Jake Sulley said...

This nipple controversy should be solved on wiki answers of yahoo questions. Maybe Cha Cha or KGB can get us the nipple answer if they cant. Lets get the bottom of it!

Anonymous said...

I saw this link on Yahoo Questions. I agree that the Na'vi don't really need nipples or boobs.

I think that James Cameron is just a 13 year old boy in a old mans body. God bless him.

Jake Jordan

Anonymous said...

"On Pandora, its go blue or go home" LOL.

Anonymous said...

"AVATAR NIPPLES"

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