Saturday, October 30, 2010

Walker, Texas Ranger Goes 5-5 with 20 RBI

Chuck Norris Saves Rangers Season With Game 3 Heroics 

Arlington, TX (CHN) - After two going away losses in San Francisco the Texas Rangers needed a boost heading back home.  A boost is exactly what they got from Chuck Norris, aka Walker, Texas Ranger, during the Rangers 26 - 0 drubbing of the visiting Giants Saturday night.  

Norris, Refused To Use A Bat After The 5th Inning
"Norris was great for us tonight," said Texas Manager Ron Washington.  He continued, "After he hit his 4th consecutive grand slam in the 6th we knew he would come up big in his final at bat... I mean who could have expected that he would lay down the first ever infield 'inside the park' grand slam to finish the game."  

Washington then bowed his head and offered a sincere apology for the untimely deaths of Freddy Sanchez and Juan Uribe which occurred after Norris saw the 'sacrifice sign' in the bottom of the first inning with Ian Kinsler at the plate and a runner on first.  

Eventually it became clear that the San Francisco pitchers couldn't solve the 70 year old crime-fighter and Giants hitters couldn't seem to hit around him.  "I've never seen a shortstop rob a home run before," said the Giant's Buster Posey.  He added, "That was fucked up."

Norris, Pictured above in his 1986 debut with the Rangers, decided to put his baseball career on hold for 25 years to pursue crime-fighting and general acts of improbable heroics. However, after watching games 1 and 2 of the 2010 World Series, Norris was called to action to save his hometown Rangers.   

The Rangers game-plan did change (with Norris) according to insiders.  "There is no 'steal sign' for Chuck because he just takes what is rightfully his," according to first base coach Gary Pettis. He added, "there is also no need for a take sign because he can stare a curve-ball straight for both himself and teammates". 

Other teams tried to lure Norris in the past.  The Cubs attempted to sway Norris into joining their team by growing ivy around the outfield in honor of his beard.  However, during spring training with the Cubs in '93 as a pitcher, it was realized that the only player that could catch a Chuck Norris fastball was Chuck Norris.

In other MLB notes, a spokesman for the Atlanta Braves announced that the franchise would now be changing their name to the Atlanta Braves *But Not As Brave As Chuck Norris.


Joe Biden's 'Obama' Costume A Hit At Whitehouse Party

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Nolan Ryan Announces That Nolan Ryan Will Pitch Games 3, 4, 5, and 6 Of World Series

Veteran Right Hander Coming off 17 Years Rest

San Francisco, CA (CHN) - After watching a beleaguered Ranger team give up 20 runs in the first two games of the 2010 World Series, General Manager Nolan Ryan has confirmed reports that he will start and finish the next four games of the Series.  Ryan, Major League Baseball's strikeout king made the decision shortly after watching the current Ranger staff walk home 3 straight runs in the bottom of the 8th inning Thursday night.

Nolan Ryan Beats The Shit Out Of Some Guy Prior To Game 2
Ryan, who turns 64 in January, will face a confident Giants lineup back in Arlington. "I just need to stay loose out there and try to strike out every hitter I face over the four game stretch," said the baseball icon as he licked his right index and forefinger while pulling a sock filled with chalk from the left rear pocket of his Khaki Dockers.  

Although Ryan was just 5-5 in his last season with the Rangers in 1993, he said that his arm felt good during the two days of filming for a 2003 Cialis commercial. 'The Express' is reportedly planning to go to his left arm late in games 5 and 6 if a runner somehow reaches base.  That scenario seems unlikely to Ryan who promises to 'Robin Venturize any punk kid that crosses him'. 

Monday, October 25, 2010

88% of Facebook Relationship Status Updates End In 'It's Complicated' or 'Single'

Social Network Dissolution Rate Highest In NY; CA 

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - Research Teams at Facebook Headquarters in California's Silicon Valley have released a stunning 6 year survey concluding that nearly all Facebook relationship status updates end in public embarrassment.  Early theories for the high relationship status casualty rate is that 99.3% of all men have no desire to be in a Facebook Relationship.

"One of the first images we had to create for our page coding was the broken heart," said longtime Facebook developer Peter Shultz.

File Photo: Broken Heart
Sarah Bennington, a former Michigan State student, has been in 7 Facebook status relationships.  For her, Facebook single has been rare and painful.  "I'm usually the one to request the relationship; it is soooo exciting for my friends to all see it," admitted the 29 year old real estate broker.  "I know that Mr. Facebook married status update guy is out there and I'm going to keep looking and requesting until I find him". 

While it remains unclear if Facebook itself causes relationships to fail it has been confirmed that the best way to 'bang that one slut from high school' is to friend request her and mention how you had been thinking about her for many years.

Other Findings Released Today by Facebook Status Update Researchers:
  • The 12% of relationship status updates that do not end in relationship status breakups have been determined to be fake profiles or simply couples that died at sea.
  • 'It's Complicated' is the preferred status change when both parties are cheating with married people.
  • No person on Facebook should ever plan to run for political office.
  • 100% of the advertisements on the side of the page indicating that 18 year old supermodels with giant breasts wanted to date regular guys is not based in fact
Some good news from the survey indicates that relationship status failure has slowed over the past 18 months.  Data indicates that the slow economy has made it more difficult for separated status couples to log in and publicly humiliate themselves at the end of a relationship as laptops and data plans have begun to play 2nd fiddle to canned foods and hooking.  

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Biologist: 'Shark Attacks Increasingly Focused On Boogie Boarding Pussies'

Fatal Santa Barbara County Attack On Friday Confirms Trend

Santa Barbara,CA (CHN) - Although rare, White Shark attacks are often fatal and have been increasingly focused on 'chicken shit boogie boarders' according to marine expert Chris Fallows.  "These sharks are common on the Santa Barbara coastline this time of year and they often breed near the Channel Islands," say Fallows who has been studying shark behavior for over 20 years. 

Above:  Boogie Board Recovered From 
Friday's Fatal Attack On 'That Chump'
Fallows has observed that "over the past 10 years we have seen a rather persistent trend whereas these Great Whites seem to ignore bitchin long board cruisers and short board rippers.  Frankly, they are heading in closer to shore for bitch-ass boogie boarders". 

According to Fallows, boogie boarders are often younger and less skilled at legit surf activities.  They stay closer to shore because 'they can't handle the sick waves that challenge real surfers and often get right in the way of experienced surfers who are trying to carve up sweet sets'.

Fallow's friend and local surfing buddy Matt Boyd has been surfing from Lompoc to Ventura for about 15 years.  Boyd says that he has personally witnessed tons of large sharks along the coast. "I see them, they see me," said Boyd to CHN.  He continued, "The fact is that I tear shit up out there and they (sharks) know that I am a local.  These high school wimps and mamas boy college freshman come out here and pretty much serve as bait for sharks that like to eat fags.

Friday's attack is the 2nd shark death in the U.S. this year.  The other fatality occurred in February off the coast of Florida stemming from a Bull Shark bite.  The victim, 38 year old Stephen Schaefer was kite-surfing and was most likely making 'really retarded movements' according to Fallows who had not reviewed the incident officially.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Family Cat Still Unresponsive To Questions About Mood; Day's Objectives

Communication Void Could Be Result Of Previous Trauma

Santa Barbara, CA (CHN): 7 year old Zooki, a rescue Calico, remains nearly silent regarding her upcoming plans and current desires according to a Nelsen family spokesman.  The cat has been with the Nelsen's for 5 years after being rescued from the Santa Barbara Humane Society in 2005.  

Zooki's Appearance of Intent Listening May 
Not Be Intentionally Callous

Forty nine year old mother of two Janine Nelsen says that she did not 'take offense' to the near total lack of communication from Zooki during the first few months of acclamation to her new home.  "I think I knew that something was wrong after 3 consecutive years of being ignored after requesting basic information such as: 'How's my little angel doing today?' and 'What has Ms. Zookiface been up to this morning?'"  

While Zooki's silence on questions regarding basic routine and motivations may be the result of early kitten trauma or chronic cyber-bullying; it doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate inquiries about why she is shredding fine linens and ritualistically spraying Mr. Nelsen's Ugg Slippers.  

Animal Psychologist Nancy Winters admits that cats often use various combinations of silent treatment and napping to punish and motivate their human partners to provide better food or entertainment.  "Modern house cats are not just going to jump in your lap and read the NY Times like house-cats did during the 1960's.  Today's cat understands that he/she has a larger purpose and a more profound role in family affairs other than hunting for barn mice and watching episodes of Leave It To Beaver," says Winters. 

While Zooki's silence may be un-nerving to the Nelsen's it may also just be part of a much larger trend of human/animal interaction whereas humans speak to animals which simply do not possess the language skills and vocal sophistication to return a negligible response. However, if Zooki does have a change of heart, it will probably be because she is getting nailed regularly by the neighbors cat 'Meatball'.  

Monday, October 18, 2010

Yankees Acquire Cliff Lee for 70 billion Dollars

20 Day Contract Is Largest In Baseball History

New York (CHN) - Joe Girardi was all smiles Monday night despite an embarrassing 8-0 loss to the upstart Texas Rangers.  The Yankees, down 2-1 in the best of 7 series needed  to shake things up after the worst loss in Yankees postseason history. 

"It was tough to watch," admitted Girardi who made the announcement of the blockbuster deal just minutes after the final out of a game that saw Cliff Lee strike out 13 while yielding just two hits.

Clifford Lee Has a 1.34 Career Postseason ERA
Lee is now 7-0 in postseason play, a stat that Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman thought was central to closing the deal.  

"Statistics say that he is perfect, and we buy perfect people here in New York.  We knew we needed to strengthen our starting rotation after this game.  We feel that we have done that tonight by signing a proven southpaw," said Cashman from a statement prepared in the 6th inning.

Lee threw 122 pitches in 8 innings Monday night for the Texas Rangers and will start game 4 for the Yankees on just 19 hours rest.  

"It's what you hope for as a ballplayer, you just want a chance to help a team go all the way," said Lee during the post-game interview. He continued, "Although we are down two games to one because of my great effort tonight, I hope that we can rebound with more great efforts from me to come back and win this thing... I mean we are all in it together," concluded Lee as he briefly side-hugged Joe Girardi and then walked to the Visitors locker room to gather up his things. 

Sources say that the $70 Billion Contract is front-loaded to provide most of the money early  in the 20 day contract.  The Contract explicitly says that 'beating the Fucking Rangers tomorrow' will bolster the signing bonus from an estimated $32 billion over 24 hours to approximately$50 billion.  Although the trade deadline passed months ago the Yankees were able to use a loophole in league rules whereby they explicitly gave Texas absolutely nothing in return for Lee. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

28 of 33 Chilean Miners Return To Shaft After Reviewing Backlog of Chores

Henpecking and Long List of Honey-Do's Prove Too Much For Freed Workers

Copiapo, Chile (CHN) -  Nearly all of the Miners recently rescued from the collapsed San Jose Copper Mine have now returned to the peace and seclusion of the underground crevasse that trapped them for nearly 70 days.  The 5 miners that have not returned to the shaft are reportedly happily single or with women other than their wives.  

Feeding Camp Hope Wives Accounted for 
65% of All Rescue Costs

Florencio Avalos, the first miner rescued, reportedly returned to the mine even prior to all 33 men being rescued. 

Codelco, the state owned mining company in charge of the San Jose site, spent nearly 20 million dollars on the rescue effort. Company representatives say the effort was clearly a waste from the get go.  

"We knew that freeing the men was a mistake; we saw the women that were here at Camp Hope.  Let's just say these are not the types that you hurry home to," said an anonymous representative from the Chilean Interior Ministry that oversaw the operation.  

He continued, "They (the wives) kept telling us to 'hurry up' and wanted us to answer all sorts of questions about what went wrong; I mean, I guess I'm just lucky to be single."

With a majority of the men back underground, an October 25th celebration dinner with President Sebastian Pinera is now in limbo and could be relocated to the mine shaft itself.  

Franklin Lobos, the President's official spokesman expressed sadness that the dinner was likely to be canceled.  "President Pinera wanted nothing more than to have a large party with the first lady present," said Lobos via a state press conference. He went on to disclose that, "The President must now do the right thing and visit the underground mine for a few days aloneHe regretfully admits that it may be too dirty and unsafe for his beloved wife to join him".  

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Facebook Is Now Connecting 500 Million People That Don't Want To Be Friends With Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg Wants You To Join Fan Pages

Los Angeles, CA (CHN) -  Facebook thief/founder Mark Zuckerberg is requesting that you increase your involvement with his little 'pet project' called 'The Facebook' (Facebook for short).  According to the 27 year old billionaire, it is 'a fun and proactive way' to maintain involvement and share your favorite types of media that he can profit from. 

Although Zuckerberg is still looking for his first real friend, he is a mastermind at earning revenue from people who do have friends.  If you have real friends or want to find out more about 'The Facebook', take a look at some of the most popular comedy fan pages on Facebook.  

2010. CHN. Any stolen concepts for this article originating from verbal contracts via Harvard Connection, Connect U, The Winklevossi, Eduardo Saverin, Paul Ceglia, Divya Narendra, et al... are purely coincidental and may or may not be litigated at a future time using artificially deflated Facebook stock as a basis for settlement. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Tony Dungy Robot Goes Haywire; Electrocutes NBC Staff

Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas In Critical Condition Following Accident

New York, NY (CHN) - Staff at NBC are still reconstructing the events that led to a complete and total failure of the Tony Dungy Robot. The malfunction occurred during the Sunday night post-game wrap up following the Eagles and 49ers Week 5 match-up.

NBC Scientists originally developed the robot in 2009 shortly after Dungy decided to re-neg on his 3-year contract with NBC's "Sunday Night Football" so that he could spend more time with family. Despite regular malfunction and non-human functionality, NBC has continued to use the robot up until the catastrophic failure Sunday. 

NBC Staff and a Naked Tony Dungy Robot During Happier Times in 2009
NBC producer Fred Gaudelli spoke frankly to CHN about the incident, "We tried to limit use of the Dungy Robot to statistical assessment. As time went on viewers didn't seem to take offense to the robots lack of human eye movement, facial cohesion, or mind boggling awkwardness. I think we got cocky and just rode that robot until it failed". 

Early reports indicate that Bob Costas was wrapping post game discussion with the Dungy Unit and attempting to segue to Mike Florio for review of Ben Roethlisberger's return to the Steelers. 

The Dungy Robot reportedly began to experience voltage irregularities and immediately started to regurgitate Peyton Manning stats from the Indianapolis Colts 2006-07 Super Bowl season. 

Investigators believe that at some point the wiring originally meant to control eye blinking and speech inflection finally burned through the Dungy Robot's thin fiberglass skin causing mass electrocution and fire to the 'Football Night In America' Set.

NBC will replace the injured Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas with back-up robots for 3-4 weeks but promises to phase out the use of all future robots with the exception of the current Jay Leno model which isn't scheduled to be scrapped until the spring of 2014. 

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