Friday, March 26, 2010

U.S., Russia, Gilbert Arenas Reach Arms Deal

Washington (CHN) -- The United States, Russia, and Washington Wizards Guard Gilbert Arenas have reached "the most comprehensive arms control agreement in nearly two decades," President Obama announced Friday. The agreement cuts by about one-third "the nuclear weapons that the United States and Russia will deploy, while setting clear hand gun standards for fucking idiots" the President said.

"It significantly reduces missiles and launchers," Obama told reporters at the White House. "It puts in place a strong and effective verification regime. It also maintains the flexibility that we need to protect and advance our national security against a multitude of modern threats including arrogant over-paid dipshits."

Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will sign the agreement April 8th in Prague, Arenas will supposedly author a twitter update signaling his compliance according to agent Dan Fegan.

Information released by the White House says the new treaty limits both nations to "significantly fewer strategic arms within seven years" of its signing while virtually eliminating retarded bullshit in NBA locker rooms by 8 year veterans from The University of Arizona .

The treaty lays out a "verification regime" that includes on-site inspections, data exchanges and consistent intelligence recovery from Hoe Bags who may have an opportunity to examine Gilbert Arenas' possessions on road trips. The White House says this is just one of many examples of how the newly expanded Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Fire Arms, & Hoe Bags has already begun to pay dividends to national security.

Obama said the agreement is part of the U.S. effort to "reset" the U.S. relationship with Russia while setting firm standards on just how God Damn ignorant a human is allowed to be in modern society .

President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Wizards trainer Brian Pullman said the changes will not limit the U.S. ability to protect itself and its allies but admits that it may hamper short term resolution to locker room disputes with Arenas.

Russian officials at one point objected to the Obama administration's plans to build a missile-defense system in Eastern Europe. Specifically, they were angered by news leaks from Romania that it had agreed to allow missile interceptors to be installed in that country by former Romanian National Basketball Team member Constantin Popa.

The issue, according to arms control experts, was resolved by including non-binding language in the START treaty's preamble stating that there is a relationship between offensive and defensive weapons; however, the treaty itself deals only with limits on offensive weapons systems which allows complete coverage of Arenas who hasn't played defense since 2001 under College Coach Lute Olson. This resolution could help placate U.S. critics who want no link in the treaty between offensive and defensive weapons, arguing that it might be used to try to limit a U.S. missile-defense plan or ball hogging.

CHN 2010. The Comedy Hub Network. Journalism That Cares. A Lot.


Wash Post said...

According to the Washington Post: The United States and Russia have reached a deal on their most extensive nuclear arms-control agreement in nearly two decades, the Kremlin announced Wednesday. The pact appeared to represent President Obama's first victory in his ambitious agenda to move toward a nuclear-free world.

Anonymous said...

Ok - saw this story at:

Published Date: 27 March 2010
By Chris Stephen
in New York

RUSSIA and the United States have agreed a new strategic arms treaty, slashing the number of nuclear weapons each side has by the biggest margin in a generation.

No mention of Gilbert Arenas - are you sure he is involved in START?

The Scotsman said...

Updated from the Scotsman-

This article mentions nothing of Gilbert Arenas. I understand the momentus occasion of Russia and the U.S. strengthening START - but the Arenas story needs to be included.

Thank you, great article friends.

Fence Wizard said...

The Washington Post says nothing about the Arenas agreement - Are they not the home town paper of the Washington Wizards???

Anonymous said...

Yahoo gave the Arenas Story a link-

US and Russia agree historic nuclear deal
* Yahoo! UK & Ireland News -

US President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev have sealed an agreement on a landmark nuclear arms reduction treaty.

Jim Gilbert said...

This is very historic. Im now hearing additional information about the connection with Gilbert Arenas to START - a-gilbert-arenas-reach-arms.html
If that link doesnt work just google Arenas + Us and Russia arms deal

Anonymous said...

Arenas may not have to worry about the treaty-

CBS NEWS said... -

AP) WASHINGTON (AP) - No jail. But no round-the-clock freedom, either, for Gilbert Arenas.

The judge found a halfway point - literally - between prison and probation Friday when he sentenced the three-time NBA All-Star to 30 days in a halfway house for bringing guns into the Washington Wizards locker room.

(No mention of the arms deal though)

Anonymous said...

I Digg it dude -


The US, Russia, and Gilbert Arenas should be headed for peace shortly.

BBC said...

Deal announced:
US President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev have agreed a new nuclear arms reduction treaty after months of negotiations.

The treaty limits both sides to 1,550 warheads, about 30% less than currently allowed, the White House said. (Courtesy of BBC News)

They are also ignoring the Gilbert Arenas deal.

Anonymous said...

Maybe something here - still following the comments on it

Anonymous said...

Rueters has this to say about START -
(Reuters) - U.S. President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev sealed a landmark arms-control treaty on Friday to slash their countries' nuclear arsenals by a third and will sign it on April 8 in Prague.

Gilbert Arenas got off scott free on that one too

Anonymous said...

Conservatives are not sure if they should cheer the deal or keep protesting Health Care!

Anonymous said...

Gilbert Arenas and Barack Obama must have played harball with the Russian.

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