Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Must Have for XMAS: "Cougar Barbie"

Cougar Barbie - 50th Anniversary - Watch more Funny Videos

America's Youth Wondering WTF Went Wrong With Eddie Murphy?

Nations Teens Shocked To Find Out Murphy Was Once A Bad-Ass

Evansville, IA (CHN): Sixteen year old Skyler Mathis stumbled upon what seemed to be some sort of alternate universe when she uncovered her parents old VHS collection. Most notable were the apparent Eddie Murphy movies '48 Hours', 'Trading Places', and 'Coming to America'. Reports indicate that Mathis, thinking the movies were the typical 'G' rated garbage that she was accustomed to seeing Murphy in; put the movies on while she babysat 10 year old neighbor Mathew Gruden.

Young Mathew and babysitter Skyler had no idea that they were about to begin a six-hour adventure of raucous comedy, sexual fantasy, and edgy race baiting mischief.

"For years I have been bored to tears with movies like 'Shrek' and 'Daddy Day Care', said pre-teen Mathew. Now I realize that Eddie Murphy was once a hardcore son of a bitch.... Who woulda thought?"

Upon returning home Mathew's parents were put into the same awkward position that many of adults today face on a regular basis: 'How to explain what the fuck went wrong with Eddie Murphy's career'. Dr. James Dobson of 'Focus on the Family' fame has dealt with the issue from parents from across the country and referred CHN to a press release from his website:

The degradation of Eddie Murphy's work as an A-list actor of fulfilling movies to a shit-can voice over artist and two bit kiddie flick pusher is a difficult topic for Christian families. The message however is increasingly clear: Engaging in promiscuous sexual behavior in the back seat of a car with a drugged up tranny always results in one losing their sense of reality, dignity, and all intrinsic professional value of right vs. wrong... I think 'The Haunted Mansion' is a good example, that really sucked.

For most families the transition of exposing children to an Eddie Murphy worth watching is shaky and unpredictable. Dobson recommends that "...the best method is an impromptu after school showing of Eddies 1987 Classic 'Raw'. The 46 uses of "motherfucker" should ease America's youngsters towards a reasonable understanding of what Eddie use to be for all of us.

Friday, October 16, 2009

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Sunday, October 4, 2009

Senior Citizen Promises "The More You Tailgate, The Slower I Drive"

Retiree Vows One Man Battle on Following Distance
by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Traffic Correspondent, 11:00 AM PST

Glendale, CA: Mort Levinson has made a name for himself in the local community and he has certainly made his presence felt around his neighborhood and various surface streets along the I-210.

Mr. Levinson employs several 'safety' precautions during 'tailgating incidents' which seem to occur rather often. Glendale, in fact, has become the tailgating capital of the world according to Levinson. Mr. Levinson has developed specific procedures to deal with those that breech his safe zone. He begins by rapidly shifting his head and line of sight repeatedly between the rear view mirror and side mirror so that they know that he's 'on to them'. Then he taps the brakes several times to see if they are responsive to light stimulus; all the while chanting: “What is this joker doing” and “This will get em”.

Finally, Levinson reveals, “If they haven’t backed off yet I have no choice but to slam on my brakes and give them a taste of who they’re dealing with”.

“Mort has caused numerous multi-vehicle accidents in his neighborhood” reports LA County Sheriff Arthur Conway. “It’s very rare to see multi-vehicle pile-ups in residential areas but so far we have 36 on record since 1990 and he (Mort Levinson) has been the lead car each time”, reported the Sheriff.

“Let me explain something - I am a strict Constitutionalist, Levinson insisted with a deep stare and long pause. “Do you think that our founding fathers threw extra words in the Constitution just to fill space? No, no they didn’t. If you think the DMV handbook is any different than you are nothing short of an Anarchist”.

According to the California Department of Motor Vehicles the safe following distance is one car length for every 10mph of speed.

“If you come inside that one car length zone – I have no choice but to immediately make a complete stop” admits Levinson. He continued, “The idea that I would accelerate just to bring you further out of compliance is pure hooey. After stopping, I can’t and wont pull forward until you back up to at least one car length. Eventually people will learn all this. Until then, I have to get out of my Le Sabre and tell them face to face that they have no right to operate a vehicle in this state”.

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