Wednesday, March 30, 2011

IBM Investors Voice Concern Over New Product Line

'Dictating Unit' Sales Slower Than Forecast As Ipad2 Continues To Push Market-share To Apple

Local Slut Adds Avocado To Chipotle Burrito Bowl

Area Harlot Not Satisfied With Salsa And Cheese

Seattle, WA (CHN) -   Served in a bowl with choice of cilantro-lime rice, pinto or vegetarian black beans, meat (braised carnitas or barbacoa, adobo-marinated and grilled chicken or steak) the burrito bowl at Chipotle is one of 5 primary menu items that University of Washington student/hoe bag Angela Disenzi had to choose from following her 2 hour bio-chem lab.  Sources indicate that the provocateur ordered 1/2 carnitas and 1/2 barbacoa (which is supposedly common because both meat options are the same cost).  

Standard Chipotle Burrito Bowl (Without Avocado)
When adding the avocado (as an extra to the standard sour cream) the slut faced whore brazenly made eye contact with the preparation attendant and verbalized her request.  

After being confronted with the fact that avocado is a $1.75 adder, the strumpet wasted little time in authorizing the transaction.  Other students in line appeared to make every possible attempt to ignore the filthy bitch as they placed their various orders and went about their business.  

Ample evidence suggests that 5'8" brunette had unsweetened ice tea and that in all likelihood she drank it in the same fashion that she guzzles cum.

A highly reputable anonymous source can not guarantee where the self-righteous fuck bag will be eating tomorrow but guarantees that he will be following her overly-used vagina for further updates.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

African Country of Chad Not Heard From In 10 Days

'Not Even A Simple Phone Call,' Says Cameroon

Abuja, Nigeria (CHN) - A host of African Countries have begun a fact-finding mission as to the whereabouts of Chad, Africa's 4th largest country.  Media within the African Continent have been focused for months on Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt, and now Libya because of widespread political turmoil. However, some are now stepping forward to raise the uncomfortable question: where exactly is the Nation of Chad?

Above, an artists rendering of what Chad might look like
if it were sandy and located North of The Central African Republic
"The Sahara Dessert is a large place," admitted Sierra Leon of  the easy to find African West Coast. "I mean, these largely nomadic countries can get landlocked and just sort of dry out".

Ghana, enjoying acclaim for her recent soccer prowess, believes that Chad may feel 'kind of... forgotten'.  "You have this incredible excitement and fascination with Somali pirating to the East and the round the clock video loop of hunger in Ethiopia taken from some 1980's file footage.  Don't even get me started on our local starlet Darfur of Sudan; truly, that is a lot of attention for one's neighbors," concluded Ghana.

A search campaign has faltered in 
part because Africans can not afford milk

Rumors concerning Chad's homosexuality and HIV contamination have persisted for decades and the embarrassment of becoming the next 'Burkina Faso' is "enough to make any of us disappear for a bit," said an un-named source believed to be Burkina Faso.

But Equatorial Guinea disagrees, "Chad is not gay, and even if I'm wrong, I think that we should at least try to look up the country code to place some phone calls.  Lord knows we wont get any help from the National Geographic crews filming tribal titties in Kenya; but we must try nevertheless."

Mozambique did not return comment but is rumored to be taking a long and highly dramatic shower with streams of blood slowly diluting off of her body as the field of view expands to finally reveal a (clenched) knife yielding hand still trembling ever so slightly. 

Who Is Susan Rice?

CHN's Chasey Lain Sits Down With Some Woman Who's Name Keeps Popping Up

Chasey Lain: Hello, thank you so much for joining us. Who are you?

Unknown Person: Hi, I am Suzy Rice.

Chasey: OK, Cause my notes say that you are Susan Rice.

Suzy Rice: I am not Susan Rice. Susan Rice is our UN Ambassador. I am Suzy Rice... Suzy... Elizabeth... Rice. 

I am a screenwriter, author of fiction, painter and designer. I designed the "Star Wars" logo, as well as many other film logo designs for print advertising and some filmed applications. In the past I worked for Lucasfilm, Ltd. 

I also am the current assistant art director and designer for Rolling Stone magazine.

Chasey: Thank you. 

About Chasey Lain: 
Chasey is a 39 year old former Porn Star and current crack whore. In 2008, A video post by CHN documented a video whereas Chasey was so wasted she could not sit still to film or perform any scenes with her formerly perfect body (way formerly).  Chasey now performs one on one interviews with world leaders, actors, and people of national importance for CHN's Online Edition. 

Monday, March 28, 2011

Muammar Gaddafi Promises That His Military Mission Also Does Not Involve Removing Gaddafi From Power

Libyan Leader Finally Details Mission; Exit Strategy In Prime Time Address

Gaddafi appears to be approximately 20 years 
younger since NATO strikes began

Tripoli, Libya (CHN) - After 10 days of NATO Airstrikes and regular engagement with a consortium of domestic 'Rebels' the embattled Libyan leader has finally made clear his military mission while detailing a timeline for ground troops to withdraw.  

The 90 second speech was a clear message to the Rebel factions and to NATO forces that the 68 year old dictator planned to remain in power 'forever' and that military operations would absolutely be limited to the complete massacre of any person opposing said campaign. 

In what supporters are now hailing the 'Gaddafi Doctrine'; the Libyan leader admits that while his country can not always afford to murder every single one of his enemies, that such a reality does not conclude that it should never murder every single one of his enemies.  

Gaddafi did however fail to mention (perhaps purposely) his poor NCAA bracket performance against other Arab league leaders which could have yielded $80.00 towards his much depleted frozen accounts.  

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Rebecca Black Video Confirmed To Be Apocalyptic Summons To Netherworld

River Styx Backwards Flow Affirms That The Song 'Friday' Has Catalyzed Armageddon

Vatican City (CHN) - Fifteen year old singer/songwriter Rebecca Black and the small Los Angeles based Ark Music label have completed widespread distribution of a highly coded message that will most certainly bring about the end of the world according to Biblical experts.  

"The 'Friday Video' (below) has reportedly reached all intended targets and Satan's minions are believed to be making final preparations to destroy the earth," reports Vatican scholar Arthur Vandros.

A provision in the United States Patriot Act helped identify the video early on but it was far too late to stop the song from radiating globally because "it is so incredibly bad, you absolutely have to see it," admitted U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon as he ominously ordered all UN peacekeeping soldiers to report to duty.

The Macabre-esk song lyrics, now widespread, were brilliantly simplified by Black to call for the immediate opening of the Gates of Hell, according to local Ghoul Thor.  

Thor notes that the opening of the song (Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ar- Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah-Yeah, yeah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah, yeah, yeah) is a well know call to Satan's henchman to assemble.  

However, Thor adds that the certainty to bring about the apocalypse itself was carefully woven in the concise 'end of week' message: 
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to END
Christians were hoping that Rapture and the second coming of Christ would pre-date the now eminent end of the earth.  Sources say that widespread attempts to speed the return of Jesus with videos from Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian have been a total failure.  In a last ditch effort, The Pope has requested that Rebecca Black at least let mankind continue until December 12, 2012 (the end date of the Mayan calendar); sources indicate that Black is unresponsive and so excited. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

NCAA Tournament Expands As 5th Region Discovered

Teams In 'South-South' Region Were Feeling Super Neglected

Corpus Christi, TX (CHN) - College basketball fans were awakened Monday morning with the unexpected news that the Sweet 16 has now expanded to the Sweet 20 after an NCAA spokesman admitted that the organization accidentally set up 5 regions instead of the customary 4. 

The 'South-South' bracket was reportedly lost under an ethics training video for officials that was just 'sort of forgotten about', according to un-named sources. The Extreme South bracket has been playing games according to schedule without media coverage since Thursday. The four advancing teams are reportedly: Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada, and UCLA.  UCLA lost to Florida Saturday in the Southeast Regional game and still managed to make their scheduled night game in the Far South Bracket against the Stanford Woman's team.

An NCAA Spokesman was unable to directly answer questions as to how the 'Final Five' would be formatted. Sources close to the organization have assured media and fans that the bracket will be treated like any other and games will be refereed in strange hap-hazard methods that guarantees anger and solidifies all conspiracy theories regarding preferential treatment to certain schools. 

Friday, March 18, 2011

Muammar Gaddafi Maintains Confidence As His NCAA Bracket Suffers Wholesale Decimation

Libyan Dictator Had Louisville, St. Johns advancing to Elite 8

Tripoli, Libya (CHN) - According to Anonymous State Department sources the embattled Libyan Leader is on the ropes after surprising losses by two key Big East Teams in the opening round.

The Big East set an NCAA record by getting 11 teams into the 68 team single elimination tourney. 

"The One major upset that Gaddafi picked in his bracket was Wofford over BYU and we know how that turned out," said a high level adviser to Hillary Clinton. 

Most of the information gathered on the dictator came from a March 14th Tivo recording with ESPN's Andy Katz (left). 

A Libyan Military Representative sent word from Tripoli that there is no confirmed indication that Louisville has in fact lost, but even they do eventually fall, he wants everyone to recognize that there is no doubt that Mr. Gaddafi selected VCU over Purdue in the Southwest Regional despite the admittedly poor penmanship.  He notes that poor penmanship continued in that bracket and he will update as needed.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Libya Peaceful After Gaddafi Grants Rebels 'Collective Bargaining Rights'

Opposition Groups Satisfied With Co-Pay Reduction, 403(b) Package.

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