Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pentagon orders 15 million tons of 'Mighty Mend-It'

Do-It-All Product Expected To Turn Tide In Iraq

by: Kaylee Strutt, CHN Correspondent, 7:45AM EST.

The Pentagon (CHN)- Just one week into his term, Barack Obama has faced an uphill battle with the Timothy Geithner confirmation hearings, a nagging standoff with Rod Blagojevich, and continued skepticism about a planned stimulus package that could reach a trillion dollars. One story that has slipped almost entirely under the radar was Obama's first large scale foreign policy move that will send roughly 15 million tons of 'Mighty Mend-It' to Iraq's so-called Sunni-Triangle.

Product Spokesman Billy Mays discussed the deal with investment guru Jim Cramer on CNBC's 'Mad Money' this past Monday. "We got a call from Mr. Obama's Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel about 30 minutes after Barrack was sworn into office", reported Mays. "He had a lot of questions about the quality of the product and it's uncanny ability to solve wide range of troublesome problems... although we had never tested the product for use as body armor for Humvees we assured him that if any 'as seen on tv' repair glue could do the job it would certainly be Mighty Mend-It.

Although the State Department had initially estimated a need for only 5 million tons; each order was tripled because the Pentagon qualified under the 'order now!' offer that also included a bonus shipment of 'Mighty Gemit' which 'adds bling to almost anything'.

An undisclosed portion of the product will be pre-positioned in Afghanistan ahead of troop increases to the region. "I think we learned a tough lesson when we went into Iraq unprepared" remarked David Petraeus, U.S. Central Command Leader. "We may not need the full order of Might Mend-It... but sometimes you have to speak softly and carry a large supply of a flexible bonding agent that dries crystal clear and is safe for most fabrics and surfaces".

Surprisingly, this is not the first time the U.S. Military has utilized a Billy Mays "As seen on TV" product. In 2004 amid growing concern that WMD's had not been found in Iraq, Donald Rumsfeld ordered 15,000 'Awesome Augers' to add substance to the facade that there was an active search for banned weapons.

Rumors about a deal for Snuggie Blankets have fueled suspicion about a possible ground incursion into North Korea but both Pentagon officials and Billy Mays phone bank operators continue to refuse questions about pending orders.

The Mighty Mend-It will arrive in Iraq by February 10th with the simple instructions: "Apply-Touch-Mend".


Sara LeeAnn said...

Snuggie Blankets? LOL You're outrageous... and hysterical.

Seth said...

Long live Billy Mays and his protective beard!

Christian Laettaner said...

Damn that Might Mend-It is a good product.

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