Thursday, December 16, 2010

Assistant Manager Usually Able To Poop After 2nd Cup of Coffee

Grand Rapids, MI (CHN) -  The Grand Rapids Area Chamber of Commerce opens at 9AM Monday thru Friday and on every one of those days assistant account manager Ron Corbett has two full cups of coffee prior to taking a shit in the single stall unisex bathroom. 

Corbett's consistency has impressed 
staff for nearly a decade
Receptionist Wendy Breyer has confirmed with CHN that Mr. Corbett generally spews warm, likely moist, but verifiably pungent farts between 10:15 and 10:25.  "It will sort of linger... if it (the fart odor) doesn't stick around for 30-40 seconds then I know he hasn't finished his 2nd cup and may not be ready to take a dump for 20 or 30 more minutes.

Corbett, a Grand Rapids native, usually eats Frosted Mini-Wheats and a banana with his first cup of coffee at home.  Up until the spring of 2009, Corbett's co-workers had reason to believe that he was picking up coffee from Starbucks en route to work which he would finish in his car just prior to entering the office and clocking in for the day. 

"Back then Ron would typically drop a load within 10 minutes of clocking in," confirmed human resource manager Daryl Boykins. He continued, "Now he seems to be on a set schedule of drinking his 2nd cup here at the office and taking a 10-12 minute shit right around 10:30.

Last Tuesday the office break room ran out of coffee and sources have confirmed that this delayed Mr. Corbett's crap until 11:45AM.  Corbett emerged approximately 20 minutes later and seemed rather unsatisfied.  An un-named coworker verifyies that he had two Dr. Peppers but "frankly at that point, he was just off his schedule".

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Confusion At State Department As Holbrooke's Last Words May Have Actually Been "Stop This Whore"

Holbrooke, 69, Died From Complications of Lindsay Lohan's 2005 'Herbie Fully Loaded'

Washington D.C. (CHN)- Those close to the veteran U.S. Diplomat say that he rarely watched movies of any kind but decided to catch a flick after a long meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Friday. A family spokesman said that Mr. Holbrooke had become livid with Lindsay Lohan's acting style and ruptured his aorta during the final moments of the Disney film after claiming that if he 'attached a pair of tits and some red pubic hair to his asshole that he could have turned in a better acting performance'.

Lohan, performed like a 'slut faced whore'
according to Holbrooke
Doctors attempted an emergency surgery but failed to save the man that President Obama chose as a special envoy to Afghanistan, and who many of the wars toughest critics felt was the best chance to stop the ongoing action by U.S and its Allies.

Holbrooke, still conscious before the surgery seemed to be quoting the Lohan movie sarcastically and was still visibly shaken by Lohan's performance.

His final words, first thought to be 'Stop this war', have now been confirmed by hospital staff to have actually been 'Stop this whore'.

Holbrooke is survived by several family members, most of the remaining American soldiers in Afghanistan, and Lindsay Lohan's agonizing acting career and fluctuating breast size. 

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Bill Clinton Still Hanging Out At White House 3 Days After Press Conference

D.C. Furniture Store Reports Delivery of Hide-A-Bed To Oval Office

Clinton (above right), moments after brushing Obama
aside to field questions on Friday
Washington D.C. (CHN) - A White House aid refused to confirm or deny on Sunday that Bill Clinton was still at the White House following last Friday's meeting and press conference with President Obama.

Clinton originally scheduled to speak for 3-4 minutes after a brief introduction by The President, spoke for nearly 40 minutes prior to being cut short by Robert Gibbs call for 'last question'.

An assistant to former President Clinton confirmed that pizzas had already been ordered so that the former President could have a bite to eat after the presser.  White House insiders were apparently surprised to see Mr. Clinton still hanging out and chatting with State Department officials in the West Wing late into the evening.  Mr. and Mrs. Obama returned to the White House following a Christmas party to find that Mr. Clinton had consumed several cocktails during a conference call to Rahm Emanuel, Paul Begala, and Haitian President René Préval.

Obama's desk (temporarily moved outside)
'not related to Clinton visit,' says staff
At that time it is believed that Mr. Obama invited the former President to crash in the Oval Office until he found accommodations for his upcoming trip to Haiti.

It is believed that Mr. Clinton may have answered several calls from Hamid Karzai and organized some minor tactical changes to the current surge in Afghanistan on Sunday morning while Mr. Obama was walking White House dog 'Bo'. 

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is reporting that a request for federal emergency funds to the state following this weekends blizzard appears to have been immediately signed and faxed back by Mr. Clinton.

As of press time, Clinton's foundation staff had no return comment on Mr. Clinton's whereabouts and firmly denied that a new post on Craigslist for 'D.C. area motivated interns' was connected in any way to the former President. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Garth Brooks Wondering "What Ever Happened To Me"

Former Country Star Realizes He Hasn't Been Seen Or Heard From In 12 Years 

Nashville, TN (CHN) - He was once the reigning King of Country Music and one of the top selling artists of any genre in the 1990's, but this morning when Garth Brooks awoke he asked himself one simple question: "Where in the fuck have I have been the past 12 years". 

Brooks During What Is Believed 
To Have Been His Mariachi Phase
Research done by Brooks indicates that he has mostly been drinking and speaking in non melodic tongues since his failed attempt to perform as a gay rock star under the stage name 'Chris Gaines'.  

Sources close to Brooks admit that they are not all that close to Brooks and that they sort of forgot all about him over the last decade.  

Brooks who claims to have a daughter is now attempting to locate her according to his daughter who hasn't seen or heard from Brooks since 1999. 

Although Brooks was accused of having an affair with Trisha Yearwood in the late 90's he vehemently denied those rumors and one-upped his critics by divorcing his wife and marrying Trisha Yearwood soon after. 

The former star came out of hiding or whatever to do an interview with Larry King this week.  During the interview Mr. Brooks seemed to be fixated with convincing King to direct Itunes to raise the cost of his songs to equal or higher pricing than Taylor Swift and that 'little bitch' Kenny Chesney.

Tomorrow on CHN:  "Trisha Yearwood RealizesThat She Is A Slutty Homewrecker; Wonders Where Husband Garth Brooks Has Been The Past 12 Years."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Report: Wikipedia Audio Files; An Intro List For Pervs

CHN Reports that the following Wikipedia Articles are now being listened to by Pervs Worldwide:

Mammary Intercourse:

 Cock and Ball Torture:
Bukkake (Please note that the recipient should be shaved):

Hand Job:

Dirty Sanchez (Narrated by an English Woman for your pleasure)

Clitoral Erection (The reader loses it several times):

CHN recommends that you not become a full time Perv. All Rights Reserved. 2010.

Monday, November 29, 2010

American Citizenry: Janet Napolitano Needs To Get Laid Really Bad

Taxpayers OK Cash For Dinner And Rough Sex At Local Ramada

File Photo of Napolitano Looking Depraved
Washington D.C. (CHN) - Janet Napolitano, America's 3rd Homeland Security Chief, is being given a pass today by U.S. Citizens following widespread public revolt over intrusive TSA screenings, a lackluster effort to close the U.S. border, and allowing an embarrassing wholesale release of American diplomatic secrets through the 'WikiLeaks' website.  

Although many Americans had concluded that Napolitano was horribly incompetent at her job; criticism waned after it slowly became clear that the security chief was the most sexually frustrated and sober woman in America.  

The Administration's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs asked that Americans stop sending alcohol, drugs, and various types of sex machines to Napolitano's office.  Gibbs told the Washington Press Corps on Monday that bottles of tequila and vibrators have been flooding the capital's mail system since Napolitano demanded that American travelers be looked at naked or undergo a thorough groping prior to traveling.  

Gibbs made it clear that the President has heard the American people and that he (Obama) has authorized Napolitano to immediately engage in a 3-day weekend affair with 'some person already at the bar'.  Although the location and name of the bar has not been disclosed it is widely assumed to be the 'Meow Hole' just outside of Arlington, Virginia.

The President Gives An Executive Order for Napolitano To Get Nailed
Tulsa native Herb Mattos told a CHN reporter that he speaks for all Americans when saying: "We do not care if she is gay or straight, we don't care how she likes it or where, we need her to get shit faced and have some person or group of people give it to her as hard as possible for as long as possible... our treat".

Although the Napolitano situation is unusual, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffered from the same deficit for nearly 20 years (1989-2008) and only began to recover after being fucked by Barack Obama during the DNC primaries.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Nation Really Tired of Watching Detroit Lions Play Once A Year

Historic Thanksgiving Event Wearing Thin For Football Fans

(CHN) Pontiac Silverdome - Inspired by the tremendous success and popularity of the Harlem Globetrotters, the NFL invented its own 'Washington Generals' out of second rate players for comedic purposes in 1929.  The so called 'Detroit Lions' have been entertaining fans ever since in their fruitless attempts to tackle and score touchdowns.  

Local Comedian Shaun Hill Will Be This Years QB

"It helped get us through the depression," admitted 86 year old Virgina Martin from Dearborn. She remembers an era when "They (automakers) would give everyone the day off to go watch the game; it was special to have our own team even for just one day a year."  

Current Detroit Lions owner William Ford Sr. says "It hasn't been the same now that we have to fly out autoworkers from South Korea to fill the stadium; but for folks who grew up here, we felt like we had our very own team".

 Tradition or not, football fans have turned sour on the once popular Thanksgiving day treat; many would rather watch two real NFL teams play each other in a sanctioned contest then to watch the same comedy of errors year in and year out. 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell admits that he has begun to consider pulling the plug on the once a year spectacle.  "Watching the Lions fall for the water in the bucket trick and seeing them frantically try to swipe at the ball as real NFL players taunt them is a valued tradition," said Goodell to CHN this morning.  "I do admit that it is expensive to maintain a parody NFL franchise in Detroit just so that they can play once per year; the economies of scale are forcing us to consider using two real NFL teams with official referees and rules."

The Attempt To Travel The Lions To Local Communities In the Early 90's Was A Ratings Disaster
The shakeup may be hardest on the Dallas Cowboys franchise.  Owner Jerry Jones has been grooming the team for several years to take over for the Lions because of the once bulletproof Thanksgiving day business plan.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Links To The Top 15 Comedy Websites

Everyone has a list for their favorite comedy websites.  Here is a list based on polling of over 2500 people from our Facebook Group.  So, without further ado... here are the Top 15 Comedy Websites For Video, Captions, Articles, and Parody News:

15.  Gawker (
14.  Comedy Juice (      
13.  Comedy Whirled (
12.  The Superficial (
11.  Adult Swim (
10   The Soup (
9.  The Brown Show (
8.  College Humor (
7.  SNL (
6.  Funny or Die (
5.  Comedy Central (
4.5 George Carlin (
4.  Tosh.O (
3.  Cracked (
2.  The Onion (
1.  CHN The Comedy Hub Network (

If you would like to submit a site for the next vote please leave us the web address in the comment box and it will be entered for the next vote.  

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Walker, Texas Ranger Goes 5-5 with 20 RBI

Chuck Norris Saves Rangers Season With Game 3 Heroics 

Arlington, TX (CHN) - After two going away losses in San Francisco the Texas Rangers needed a boost heading back home.  A boost is exactly what they got from Chuck Norris, aka Walker, Texas Ranger, during the Rangers 26 - 0 drubbing of the visiting Giants Saturday night.  

Norris, Refused To Use A Bat After The 5th Inning
"Norris was great for us tonight," said Texas Manager Ron Washington.  He continued, "After he hit his 4th consecutive grand slam in the 6th we knew he would come up big in his final at bat... I mean who could have expected that he would lay down the first ever infield 'inside the park' grand slam to finish the game."  

Washington then bowed his head and offered a sincere apology for the untimely deaths of Freddy Sanchez and Juan Uribe which occurred after Norris saw the 'sacrifice sign' in the bottom of the first inning with Ian Kinsler at the plate and a runner on first.  

Eventually it became clear that the San Francisco pitchers couldn't solve the 70 year old crime-fighter and Giants hitters couldn't seem to hit around him.  "I've never seen a shortstop rob a home run before," said the Giant's Buster Posey.  He added, "That was fucked up."

Norris, Pictured above in his 1986 debut with the Rangers, decided to put his baseball career on hold for 25 years to pursue crime-fighting and general acts of improbable heroics. However, after watching games 1 and 2 of the 2010 World Series, Norris was called to action to save his hometown Rangers.   

The Rangers game-plan did change (with Norris) according to insiders.  "There is no 'steal sign' for Chuck because he just takes what is rightfully his," according to first base coach Gary Pettis. He added, "there is also no need for a take sign because he can stare a curve-ball straight for both himself and teammates". 

Other teams tried to lure Norris in the past.  The Cubs attempted to sway Norris into joining their team by growing ivy around the outfield in honor of his beard.  However, during spring training with the Cubs in '93 as a pitcher, it was realized that the only player that could catch a Chuck Norris fastball was Chuck Norris.

In other MLB notes, a spokesman for the Atlanta Braves announced that the franchise would now be changing their name to the Atlanta Braves *But Not As Brave As Chuck Norris.


Joe Biden's 'Obama' Costume A Hit At Whitehouse Party

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Nolan Ryan Announces That Nolan Ryan Will Pitch Games 3, 4, 5, and 6 Of World Series

Veteran Right Hander Coming off 17 Years Rest

San Francisco, CA (CHN) - After watching a beleaguered Ranger team give up 20 runs in the first two games of the 2010 World Series, General Manager Nolan Ryan has confirmed reports that he will start and finish the next four games of the Series.  Ryan, Major League Baseball's strikeout king made the decision shortly after watching the current Ranger staff walk home 3 straight runs in the bottom of the 8th inning Thursday night.

Nolan Ryan Beats The Shit Out Of Some Guy Prior To Game 2
Ryan, who turns 64 in January, will face a confident Giants lineup back in Arlington. "I just need to stay loose out there and try to strike out every hitter I face over the four game stretch," said the baseball icon as he licked his right index and forefinger while pulling a sock filled with chalk from the left rear pocket of his Khaki Dockers.  

Although Ryan was just 5-5 in his last season with the Rangers in 1993, he said that his arm felt good during the two days of filming for a 2003 Cialis commercial. 'The Express' is reportedly planning to go to his left arm late in games 5 and 6 if a runner somehow reaches base.  That scenario seems unlikely to Ryan who promises to 'Robin Venturize any punk kid that crosses him'. 

Monday, October 25, 2010

88% of Facebook Relationship Status Updates End In 'It's Complicated' or 'Single'

Social Network Dissolution Rate Highest In NY; CA 

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - Research Teams at Facebook Headquarters in California's Silicon Valley have released a stunning 6 year survey concluding that nearly all Facebook relationship status updates end in public embarrassment.  Early theories for the high relationship status casualty rate is that 99.3% of all men have no desire to be in a Facebook Relationship.

"One of the first images we had to create for our page coding was the broken heart," said longtime Facebook developer Peter Shultz.

File Photo: Broken Heart
Sarah Bennington, a former Michigan State student, has been in 7 Facebook status relationships.  For her, Facebook single has been rare and painful.  "I'm usually the one to request the relationship; it is soooo exciting for my friends to all see it," admitted the 29 year old real estate broker.  "I know that Mr. Facebook married status update guy is out there and I'm going to keep looking and requesting until I find him". 

While it remains unclear if Facebook itself causes relationships to fail it has been confirmed that the best way to 'bang that one slut from high school' is to friend request her and mention how you had been thinking about her for many years.

Other Findings Released Today by Facebook Status Update Researchers:
  • The 12% of relationship status updates that do not end in relationship status breakups have been determined to be fake profiles or simply couples that died at sea.
  • 'It's Complicated' is the preferred status change when both parties are cheating with married people.
  • No person on Facebook should ever plan to run for political office.
  • 100% of the advertisements on the side of the page indicating that 18 year old supermodels with giant breasts wanted to date regular guys is not based in fact
Some good news from the survey indicates that relationship status failure has slowed over the past 18 months.  Data indicates that the slow economy has made it more difficult for separated status couples to log in and publicly humiliate themselves at the end of a relationship as laptops and data plans have begun to play 2nd fiddle to canned foods and hooking.  

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Biologist: 'Shark Attacks Increasingly Focused On Boogie Boarding Pussies'

Fatal Santa Barbara County Attack On Friday Confirms Trend

Santa Barbara,CA (CHN) - Although rare, White Shark attacks are often fatal and have been increasingly focused on 'chicken shit boogie boarders' according to marine expert Chris Fallows.  "These sharks are common on the Santa Barbara coastline this time of year and they often breed near the Channel Islands," say Fallows who has been studying shark behavior for over 20 years. 

Above:  Boogie Board Recovered From 
Friday's Fatal Attack On 'That Chump'
Fallows has observed that "over the past 10 years we have seen a rather persistent trend whereas these Great Whites seem to ignore bitchin long board cruisers and short board rippers.  Frankly, they are heading in closer to shore for bitch-ass boogie boarders". 

According to Fallows, boogie boarders are often younger and less skilled at legit surf activities.  They stay closer to shore because 'they can't handle the sick waves that challenge real surfers and often get right in the way of experienced surfers who are trying to carve up sweet sets'.

Fallow's friend and local surfing buddy Matt Boyd has been surfing from Lompoc to Ventura for about 15 years.  Boyd says that he has personally witnessed tons of large sharks along the coast. "I see them, they see me," said Boyd to CHN.  He continued, "The fact is that I tear shit up out there and they (sharks) know that I am a local.  These high school wimps and mamas boy college freshman come out here and pretty much serve as bait for sharks that like to eat fags.

Friday's attack is the 2nd shark death in the U.S. this year.  The other fatality occurred in February off the coast of Florida stemming from a Bull Shark bite.  The victim, 38 year old Stephen Schaefer was kite-surfing and was most likely making 'really retarded movements' according to Fallows who had not reviewed the incident officially.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Family Cat Still Unresponsive To Questions About Mood; Day's Objectives

Communication Void Could Be Result Of Previous Trauma

Santa Barbara, CA (CHN): 7 year old Zooki, a rescue Calico, remains nearly silent regarding her upcoming plans and current desires according to a Nelsen family spokesman.  The cat has been with the Nelsen's for 5 years after being rescued from the Santa Barbara Humane Society in 2005.  

Zooki's Appearance of Intent Listening May 
Not Be Intentionally Callous

Forty nine year old mother of two Janine Nelsen says that she did not 'take offense' to the near total lack of communication from Zooki during the first few months of acclamation to her new home.  "I think I knew that something was wrong after 3 consecutive years of being ignored after requesting basic information such as: 'How's my little angel doing today?' and 'What has Ms. Zookiface been up to this morning?'"  

While Zooki's silence on questions regarding basic routine and motivations may be the result of early kitten trauma or chronic cyber-bullying; it doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate inquiries about why she is shredding fine linens and ritualistically spraying Mr. Nelsen's Ugg Slippers.  

Animal Psychologist Nancy Winters admits that cats often use various combinations of silent treatment and napping to punish and motivate their human partners to provide better food or entertainment.  "Modern house cats are not just going to jump in your lap and read the NY Times like house-cats did during the 1960's.  Today's cat understands that he/she has a larger purpose and a more profound role in family affairs other than hunting for barn mice and watching episodes of Leave It To Beaver," says Winters. 

While Zooki's silence may be un-nerving to the Nelsen's it may also just be part of a much larger trend of human/animal interaction whereas humans speak to animals which simply do not possess the language skills and vocal sophistication to return a negligible response. However, if Zooki does have a change of heart, it will probably be because she is getting nailed regularly by the neighbors cat 'Meatball'.  

Monday, October 18, 2010

Yankees Acquire Cliff Lee for 70 billion Dollars

20 Day Contract Is Largest In Baseball History

New York (CHN) - Joe Girardi was all smiles Monday night despite an embarrassing 8-0 loss to the upstart Texas Rangers.  The Yankees, down 2-1 in the best of 7 series needed  to shake things up after the worst loss in Yankees postseason history. 

"It was tough to watch," admitted Girardi who made the announcement of the blockbuster deal just minutes after the final out of a game that saw Cliff Lee strike out 13 while yielding just two hits.

Clifford Lee Has a 1.34 Career Postseason ERA
Lee is now 7-0 in postseason play, a stat that Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman thought was central to closing the deal.  

"Statistics say that he is perfect, and we buy perfect people here in New York.  We knew we needed to strengthen our starting rotation after this game.  We feel that we have done that tonight by signing a proven southpaw," said Cashman from a statement prepared in the 6th inning.

Lee threw 122 pitches in 8 innings Monday night for the Texas Rangers and will start game 4 for the Yankees on just 19 hours rest.  

"It's what you hope for as a ballplayer, you just want a chance to help a team go all the way," said Lee during the post-game interview. He continued, "Although we are down two games to one because of my great effort tonight, I hope that we can rebound with more great efforts from me to come back and win this thing... I mean we are all in it together," concluded Lee as he briefly side-hugged Joe Girardi and then walked to the Visitors locker room to gather up his things. 

Sources say that the $70 Billion Contract is front-loaded to provide most of the money early  in the 20 day contract.  The Contract explicitly says that 'beating the Fucking Rangers tomorrow' will bolster the signing bonus from an estimated $32 billion over 24 hours to approximately$50 billion.  Although the trade deadline passed months ago the Yankees were able to use a loophole in league rules whereby they explicitly gave Texas absolutely nothing in return for Lee. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

28 of 33 Chilean Miners Return To Shaft After Reviewing Backlog of Chores

Henpecking and Long List of Honey-Do's Prove Too Much For Freed Workers

Copiapo, Chile (CHN) -  Nearly all of the Miners recently rescued from the collapsed San Jose Copper Mine have now returned to the peace and seclusion of the underground crevasse that trapped them for nearly 70 days.  The 5 miners that have not returned to the shaft are reportedly happily single or with women other than their wives.  

Feeding Camp Hope Wives Accounted for 
65% of All Rescue Costs

Florencio Avalos, the first miner rescued, reportedly returned to the mine even prior to all 33 men being rescued. 

Codelco, the state owned mining company in charge of the San Jose site, spent nearly 20 million dollars on the rescue effort. Company representatives say the effort was clearly a waste from the get go.  

"We knew that freeing the men was a mistake; we saw the women that were here at Camp Hope.  Let's just say these are not the types that you hurry home to," said an anonymous representative from the Chilean Interior Ministry that oversaw the operation.  

He continued, "They (the wives) kept telling us to 'hurry up' and wanted us to answer all sorts of questions about what went wrong; I mean, I guess I'm just lucky to be single."

With a majority of the men back underground, an October 25th celebration dinner with President Sebastian Pinera is now in limbo and could be relocated to the mine shaft itself.  

Franklin Lobos, the President's official spokesman expressed sadness that the dinner was likely to be canceled.  "President Pinera wanted nothing more than to have a large party with the first lady present," said Lobos via a state press conference. He went on to disclose that, "The President must now do the right thing and visit the underground mine for a few days aloneHe regretfully admits that it may be too dirty and unsafe for his beloved wife to join him".  

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Facebook Is Now Connecting 500 Million People That Don't Want To Be Friends With Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg Wants You To Join Fan Pages

Los Angeles, CA (CHN) -  Facebook thief/founder Mark Zuckerberg is requesting that you increase your involvement with his little 'pet project' called 'The Facebook' (Facebook for short).  According to the 27 year old billionaire, it is 'a fun and proactive way' to maintain involvement and share your favorite types of media that he can profit from. 

Although Zuckerberg is still looking for his first real friend, he is a mastermind at earning revenue from people who do have friends.  If you have real friends or want to find out more about 'The Facebook', take a look at some of the most popular comedy fan pages on Facebook.  

2010. CHN. Any stolen concepts for this article originating from verbal contracts via Harvard Connection, Connect U, The Winklevossi, Eduardo Saverin, Paul Ceglia, Divya Narendra, et al... are purely coincidental and may or may not be litigated at a future time using artificially deflated Facebook stock as a basis for settlement. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Tony Dungy Robot Goes Haywire; Electrocutes NBC Staff

Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas In Critical Condition Following Accident

New York, NY (CHN) - Staff at NBC are still reconstructing the events that led to a complete and total failure of the Tony Dungy Robot. The malfunction occurred during the Sunday night post-game wrap up following the Eagles and 49ers Week 5 match-up.

NBC Scientists originally developed the robot in 2009 shortly after Dungy decided to re-neg on his 3-year contract with NBC's "Sunday Night Football" so that he could spend more time with family. Despite regular malfunction and non-human functionality, NBC has continued to use the robot up until the catastrophic failure Sunday. 

NBC Staff and a Naked Tony Dungy Robot During Happier Times in 2009
NBC producer Fred Gaudelli spoke frankly to CHN about the incident, "We tried to limit use of the Dungy Robot to statistical assessment. As time went on viewers didn't seem to take offense to the robots lack of human eye movement, facial cohesion, or mind boggling awkwardness. I think we got cocky and just rode that robot until it failed". 

Early reports indicate that Bob Costas was wrapping post game discussion with the Dungy Unit and attempting to segue to Mike Florio for review of Ben Roethlisberger's return to the Steelers. 

The Dungy Robot reportedly began to experience voltage irregularities and immediately started to regurgitate Peyton Manning stats from the Indianapolis Colts 2006-07 Super Bowl season. 

Investigators believe that at some point the wiring originally meant to control eye blinking and speech inflection finally burned through the Dungy Robot's thin fiberglass skin causing mass electrocution and fire to the 'Football Night In America' Set.

NBC will replace the injured Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas with back-up robots for 3-4 weeks but promises to phase out the use of all future robots with the exception of the current Jay Leno model which isn't scheduled to be scrapped until the spring of 2014. 

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Philip Morris Introduces Breakthrough Drug To Help Quit Chantix

Clinical Trials Prove New Medication Is Nearly 100% Effective

Winston-Salem, NC (CHN)- It's that nasty little habit that you have always wanted to quit but just never could. Don't despair, a new over-the-counter product just might ignite that fire of change that you've needed all along. A start up company (Philip Morris) has something you might be ready to hear: 'It's finally your time'. A new, mostly organic drug, called Marlboro, has shown astounding success at helping users quit Chantix and has now been approved for nationwide non-prescription sale by the FDA.

"I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to take that pill," said longtime Chantix user Clayton. Clayton and many other former Chantix users seem to agree that the Marlboro smoking sticks come through on their promise to end that nagging urge to pop expensive prescription pills and the long list of side effects that goes with them.

America's long fight to educate and prevent the use of Chantix took a leap forward recently as Chantix maker Pfizer admitted and published a long list of side effects that anti-Chantix activists have been asserting for years. Pfizer's website now lists side effects as depression, anxiety, panic, serious skin reactions, oral blisters, sleep problems, constipation, and nausea. Smoking stick inventor Phillip Morris wants to make those nasty little problems a thing of the past.

"Chantix users often start young and it's no secret that the pills often end up in the hands and mouths of America's youth," asserts a Philip Morris press release. They also say: "We have a plan." So far, the company has taken the unprecedented step of hiring recycling agents to hang out near retail stores so that they can help children make successful purchases of the smoking sticks.

An expensive multi-decade contract with Hollywood to produce television and movies showing the use of smoking sticks (instead of Chantix) also has parents giving a big thumbs up.

Philip Morris is also being applauded for launching a national advertising campaign aimed squarely at active people such as those who ride horses during the 1970's and various types of race car drivers.

Americans are indeed responding; the Philip Morris website now has a long list former Chantix users who say they are cured:"No more uncomfortable Dr. visits; no more expensive prescriptions,"
Hector, 22
"I walked into the local service station and said, I'm ready to quit... the cashier was ready to help," - Herb, 54
I was having suicidal thoughts and running out of time," Marty (1964-2009)
"I was able to continue using Chantix for the first week, but I didn't need to. The organic smoke sticks cured me before I had finished the first pack," - Kathy, 47
Data shows that Marlboro users are reporting a 58% increase in meeting sluts outside of bars and a 74% increase in their ability to to take regular breaks from work that other employees don't get.

Although the exact contents of Marlboro smoking sticks are still unknown, the main ingredient (tobacco), is farmed organically right here in America. More good news, according to researchers, is that the smoking sticks are already undergoing tests to help cure the use of Nicorette Gum, Zyban, and Habitrol.

Despite all of this, some critics remain skeptical. Don Mosebar, a health and wellness advocate, has questioned the ability of Marlboro users to kick the Chantix pills for good. "I think it's easy to report success after the first month or even the first year. Let's see if these smoke sticks can keep people from reaching for those pill bottles after a big meal or after sex, that's the key."

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

BP: Investigation Reveals Spill Caused By Textbook Clusterfuck

Perfect Storm of Bad Shit Happened

(CHN)- BP PLC on Wednesday issued a long-awaited investigative report that says a complex series of failures and bad decisions—by itself and other companies—led to the deadly Deepwater Horizon disaster in the U.S. Gulf of Mexico in April. The heart of the three page report focused on 'fucked up shit' that all went wrong at once.

BP Scientists in the past normally concluded that spills and loss of life accidents were the result of Murphy's Law. Today's report was in stark contrast; the spill was almost certainly caused by a total catastrophic clusterfuck.

Critics had suggested that basic equipment failure to the blowout preventer (caused by dead batteries) and lack of care regarding unusual pressure readings combined with a hurried desire to tap the well (on schedule) forced subcontractors and BP management to panic.

BP has laid those claims to rest and confirmed unequivocally that 'tons of really bad shit just all happened at once'. BP added a video to its website whereas a jogger's hat falls off and then immediately lands on another runners head. The lesson learned by BP investigators: 'crazy things that you never thought of can happen; knock on wood that this doesn't happen again anytime soon'.

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