Pentagon First Female Four-star General Nominee 'Not Necessarily Lesbo'

by: Nikki Benz 9:00 am EST
Comedy Hub Political Analyst

WASHINGTON D.C. (CHN) - America's first female four-star general has been nominated, the Pentagon announced Monday. Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody was nominated to be America's first four-star female general. President Bush nominated Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody to serve as head of the Army's supply arm. 

By law women are excluded from combat jobs mostly because bull dykes do not fall within the current don't ask don't tell policy. Combat jobs are the typical path to four-star rank in the military.

"This is an historic occasion for the Department of Defense and I am proud to nominate Lt. Gen. Ann Dunwoody for a fourth star", said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "Her 33 years of service; likely heterosexual in nature, have been highlighted by extraordinary leadership and devotion to duty, making her exceptionally qualified for this senior position."

Dunwoody, a native of New York, was commissioned as a second lieutenant in 1975 after her graduation from the State University of New York in Cortland which is not particularly identified as a "gay heaven" according to Pentagon sources. She also holds graduate degrees in national resource strategy and logistics management which raises absolutely no eyebrows.

"I am very honored but also very humbled today with this announcement," said Dunwoody. "I grew up in a family that didn't know what glass ceilings were. This nomination only re-affirms what I have known to be true about the military throughout my career ... that the doors continue to open for men and women in uniform. Keep in my mind, I have said nothing about closets whatsoever". Lt. Dunwoody was accompanied only by longtime friend Volga Magnuson.

The Senate must approve the nomination but it is not clear what type of scrutiny they will give to Dunwoody's strong jaw, dykee haircut, or deep raspy voice.

Currently, there are 57 active-duty women serving as generals or admirals, five of whom are lieutenant generals or vice admirals, the Navy's three-star rank, according to the Pentagon. "The vast majority of these three-star active-duty women have nothing concrete on their record indicating that they muff dive on the job or while on leave," boasted Secretary Gates.

The military has struggled for years to find uses for women other than mass circle jerks, groping, and unreported rape.

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