Friday, April 23, 2010

Ahmadinejad: Iranian Basketball Team Too Powerful To Play Western Foes

Any Basketball Team Sent To Iran Would Be Quickly Crushed

Tehran, Iran (CHN) -- Iran's National Basketball Team is so powerful today that no country would dare challenge it, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday during an annual athletic parade.

"Iran's basketball defenses are so mighty that no enemy should even have a thought of scoring against our 1-2-2 match-up zone or our man to man full court trap," said the Iranian leader through state media. "Of course, Iran is a friend and brother of regional and independent basketball teams and it wants parody, progress, and athletic prowess for all countries," Ahmadinejad said.

During the event near the Ayatollah Khomeini Mr Pibb Center, several players specializing in long-range three point capabilities were on display including the 'Tehranian Treymaster' Mehdi Rahmati.

American intelligence suggests that all games and practices are held in the Mr. Pibb Ayatollah Khomeini Center. The state run media in Tehran has reported that a test game is being planned in the Straits of Hormuz later this month. The opponent has been a well guarded secret, however Russian athletes have been spotted by U.S. satellites and are believed to be slowly moving into the area.

Geo-athletic sports writers believe that Ahmadinejad's increasingly hostile rhetoric against Western basketball teams was fomented after being snubbed for NBA playoff tickets following multiple requests to NBA Jew Commissioner David Stern.

The hard line leader slammed Western teams and coaches for what he called hypocritical and dangerous game plans that can only lead to general basketball proliferation. He said the United Basketball Nations and the International Olympic Committee were ineffective because they were dominated by a few teams that all had a proclivity to transfer game strategy and Nike Air Jordans to Israel.

President Obama has been pressing the U.N. Athletic Council to slap Iran with tougher sanctions for its ominous basketball ambitions. Iran says that its sports program is intended for peaceful civilian purposes only.

In a public letter to Ahmadinejad, Obama told the Iranian Leader that if the Iranian Basketball Team was sent to Israel for any reason that the U.S. would immediately strike back with the 1992 Olympic Dream, widely considered the best basketball team of all time.

Ahmadinejad, unfazed by the threat, told state media that as long Christian Laettner and Chris Mullin were still on the 'Dream Team' that the Iranian Government would have no hesitation sending its squad to any gymnasium in the world.

It has been long thought that Iran has purchased balls, uniforms, and other equipment from Russia and North Korea. Iranian Leaders have argued that the basketball buildup has always been to defend against foreign teams who may have 'huge black players that might invade the lane and dunk on our fucking faces'. As of press time those comments could not be confirmed by any huge black players.

More like this from (CHN):

1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster

Marines lose confidence in Obama's ability to recognize 2-3 zone defense

33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Pelosi Blames Accelerated Spending On Toyota Brand Gavel

Runaway Budget Deficit Has Increased 388% Under The Japanese Produced Hammer

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Nancy Pelosi, the first woman speaker of the House, took over the podium in 2006 after a sweeping mid-term victory by House and Senate Democrats. Pelosi
promised that business as usual would change and that there would be "No new deficit spending, no new bridges to nowhere, and no heaping mountains of debt piled on our children".

But the past four years share little resemblance to that original fiscal promise as record breaking Congressional spending has sped the deficit to staggering all time highs.

Pelosi answered critics earlier this week after bringing down her gavel on Health Care Legislation that many think will create further out of control spending that could crash the U.S. Economy.

"This gavel just takes off; sometimes there are legislative sessions and votes taken that I am powerless to stop," said a frustrated Pelosi.

Toyota has admitted the malfunction and has finally issued a recall on the Speaker's gavel. Toyota officials were quick to argue that the failure is isolated and OK'd continued pounding with all other models.

The gavel in question was built in the Fort Branch, Indiana plant in 2005. Recently, another gavel from that factory is reported to have malfunctioned in a San Antonio District Courtroom. Judge Hirum Windsel told CHN last Friday that "he brought his courtroom to order 375 times and rendered 820 decisions prior to taking 36 lunch recesses'. While he was very satisfied with his courtrooms efficiency, he is scheduled to have an MRI done on his right hand for possible stress fractures.

Additional concerns have been raised about the newly designed 'hybrid gavels'. The hybrid models generate kinetic energy from each strike and store the energy to operate a completely concealed Pez dispenser. Claims of projectile Pez have been brushed aside by Toyota management as operator error.

Local Man Ready To Begin Farting Around New Girlfriend

Waiting Too Long Could Give Her A False Sense of Security Says Glendale Native

Azusa, CA (CHN)- Chase Daniels 36, has been on the dating scene since his 2nd divorce last July and over the past 9 months he has dated several women while working long hours at the West Covina Cemex Industrial Plant. "Southern California girls are different," explained Daniels to 22 year old cement mix engineer Michael Torres (and anyone else within earshot).

"Put them in their place early on and it is smooth sailing." He continued, "You wait too long for your first butt bark; well my friend, it just may be your last".

Daniels may not be classically educated in relationship counseling and has never completed any sort of academic evaluation of male/female behavior. Even so, he suggests that the best time for exposure to 'fanny tooting' is within the first two weeks of meeting a 'keeper'.

Experts generally agree that being yourself around your partner is an important achievement for all new couples.

"We find that men are often confused in regard to when they should take certain important steps" reported relationship guru Ralph Festerson. Festerson disclosed the following calendar to help men make the right moves at just the right time:

Date 1: Slight burp after dinner followed by "Pardon Me"
Date 2: Meet for drinks and ask if she has ever done anal
Date 3: Eat something that fell on the floor or that you found in the car
Date 4: Advise on upcoming football schedule
Date 5: Bite toe nails if applicable
Date 6: Discuss the pros and cons of lesbian porn
Date 7: Silent but deadlys all night, Pee in the sink, her place (bathroom only)
Date 11: Shitting with bathroom door ajar
Date 12: Revert back to three showers per week
Date 13: First audible ass-blast during sex
Date 14: Smell your fingers after you scratch your balls

Date 15: Make it clear that she needs to get and pay for breast implants
Date 16: Allow yourself to be seen picking your nose just moments after scratching balls
Date 17: Peeing in the sink (kitchen)
Date 20: Regular farting during sex, include 'death poots' and 'gurglers'
Date 22: Announce the cessation of foreplay because of a work injury
Date 23: Stop all exercise / discuss her moving in to help pay rent
Date 24: Conveniently leave out your old college shit bucket in the living room
Date 24: (later) Utilize shit bucket during a movie she picked out
Date 24: (moments later) Leverage no shit bucket if you pick out all movies
Date 27: Ask her what type of stuff she is interested in
Date 31: Slowly ease the shit bucket back into the living room (disguise with plant)
Date 33: Deliver Strawberry Shortcake, repeat as necessary
Date 34: Propose marriage while your fists are visibly clenched
Wedding night: Introduce her to that slut from high school that will do anybody

Festerson admits that some items on the list are not set in stone and may need to be adjusted forward or backward depending on how she is responding and what you have eaten for dinner. The short and skinny according to Festerson: "All in all
just remember to take one step at a time and install keyboard tracking software so that you can log in to her Facebook page; the little stuff will take care of itself".

Casualties Still Mounting After MGMT Coachella Performance

Bands Decision To Front-load Songs From New Album Devastate Once Hopeful Audience

Indio, CA (CHN) : It was the opportunity of a lifetime; at least that is what 17 year old Samantha Grigsby of Riverside, California thought after buying Coachella tickets months in advance in order to see Brooklyn based MGMT perform live for the first time. Little could Samantha have known that she would be just one of hundreds to suffer serious mental and self inflicted physical injuries after a deluge of new songs from MGMT wreaked havoc on festival attendees.

"I kind of thought the first song was some sort of parody of what MGMT would be like if they were the worst band in America," said a weak but still living USC student as she recovered at Palm Desert's Eisenhower Hospital while listening to the MGMT hit 'Kids' which was never played at Coachella. "All I can remember is that the snickering and smiles turned really fast to outrage and panic; I mean, the band totally played 5 straight songs from their new album instead of the incredibly good songs from the hit album Oracular Spectacular."

"They started dropping like flies out there" reported Dave Austin who was just one of many EMT's to respond after the 911 calls began to flood in. "Somehow we fought off the soul-less amalgamation of sound called "Flash Delirium" in order to reach the stage. Once there, we begged the band to play "Electric Feel". By that time, the damage had been done... the causalities were in the 100's".

Official reports and security cameras indicate that most didn't even attempt to run; self mutilation became the order of the day. Surviving fans of MGMT admit that the only way they could identify with the bands apparent suicide mission was to begin inflicting puncture wounds and trauma on their own bodies. Blood stains and puked out garlic fries lend theory to various hanging attempts on the VIP boundary fence. Others seem to have shoved sharp utensils and marijuana pipes into their ears during failed attempts to dull the sound of the unmerciful 'surfer rock' being pumped through the outdoor arena speakers.

Rolling Stone writer David Fricke refused to comment on where the new album placed among the all time worst ventures in audio history. He did say that "this wasn't the first time that horrible music has been written and performed live; it is however, the first time that the worst ever written music has been performed live.

As of press time, concert casualties have only been survived by those who were shielded by music performed on opposing stages by Major Laser and David Guetta and also those still stuck in the 4 hour wait-for-parking line between the I-10 and the Empire Polo Grounds.

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN). The Only Blog Approved By The Dixiecrat Party
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UPDATE: Survivors of the new album are reporting extreme loss of motor movement, balance, and ability to wear and/or try to wear flip flops. Warning, the following video should be watched with caution and dismay:

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Small Discharge Saves Big Ben

Steeler Faithful Concerned With Roethlisberger's lack of Prowess, Sperm Count Against No-Name Defense

Some Bar, GA (CHN) - In one of the worst performances of his still young sexual career, Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger has been released from all legal liability based primarily on evidence suggesting that there was no effective offensive attack executed in the bathroom of a small Georgia bar.

Ocmulgee County DA Fred Bright made it clear that "The measurable output from Ben was so pitiful we can't charge him. The reality is that it is nearly impossible to substantiate a claim against Roethlisberger because frankly - he didn't score."

Steeler fans hoping for a 2010 Super Bowl run are shocked by the news that the 6 year NFL veteran had such a difficult time with a no-name, unproven defense that was haphazardly pieced together in the bathroom of a college pub by a 20 year old College student.

"Typically Ben can stroke it down and out repeatedly until things open up," said teammate Hines Ward. He continued, "I think the game-plan fell apart early once it became clear that Ben was unable to sell the defense on any type of deep threat".

Critics suggest that the 28 year old quarterback mismanaged the clock all night and despite getting into the red zone four different times he couldn't find a ball carrier anywhere in the VIP room.

While the Pittsburgh star is generally a strong second half performer; rape kit evidence suggests that once in the bathroom/red zone, Big Ben came out sluggish and made multiple ill-fated attempts at the tight end which either fell short or were easily slapped away by the non-intoxicated defense.

Longtime friend and hoe bag recruiter Jim Schooner felt that "The slot receiver was there all night but Ben just couldn't focus despite going to a two step drop to increase his rhythm." Schooner believes that "he [Ben] felt rushed with hecklers chanting 'last call' and 'get the fuck out of the bathroom you jerk'.

The Pro Bowl QB's bodyguard, never far from the action admitted that "Nothing was coming out tight; perhaps his grasp was disrupted by a nagging thumb injury. Frankly, he wasn't pumping out anything consistent". Dehydration has been mentioned as a possible factor along with the casual rape of a different co-ed earlier in the night.

Ben's total output, which is typically potent and virile, was also hampered in 2009 by 32 year old Andrea McNultys' prevent defense in an alley behind a Denny's Restaurant . The McNulty case proves that a tight pocket may not be Big Ben's only problem as the Quarterback had ample room to 'Run and Gun' with the Harrah's Casino worker.

In order to deal with the bad press Big Ben called Tiger Woods who has reportedly suggested a 60 second add using the voice of Ben's father.  Roethlisberger hopes to win back fan support for his next pre-season warm-up scheduled for next Monday at a Denver Outback Steakhouse.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Evidence Mounting: Wild Orca is Killing Other Animals

Shocking Details Suggest That At Least One Killer Whale has begun a Ritualistic Killing Spree

San Diego, CA: Less than one month after the tragic death of Seaworld trainer Dawn Brancheau, news has been leaked that an Orca living in the wild is exhibiting the same bloodthirsty behavior only this time on other sea creatures. An un-named Sea World biologist began conducting research on a wild Killer Whale following the tragic disaster in Orlando. The results thus far have have been alarming and grotesque.

'Fluffy Face', the name given by Sea World staff, is a 12 year male Orca from the 'Cuddly Bunny' Pod. The Whale appears to be hellbent on murdering and consuming roughly 3% of its body weight every day. The victims are categorized as 67% fishes, 27% marine mammals, and 6% squids. The attacks (always unprovoked) seem cold and calculated, "It's being carried out as some sort of perverted routine, I mean, it's like clockwork," reported the researcher who claims to be under a strict code of silence from Sea World. Videos that will likely never be released show the crazed whale stalking and then eating its victims, absolutely no sense of guilt has been measurable. "The entire sea is likely to soon just be a massive pool of blood," feared the biologist.

Previous knowledge about the elusive Orcas concluded that a diet of dead fish, usually hand fed after whimsical jumps or flips was the only interaction with sea life that Killer Whales would be willing to engage in.

"It's one thing for an Orca to grab a trainer by her hair and accidentally drag her to the bottom of the exhibition tank while crushing parts of her torso and scalp, we realize that those sort of things just happen in our business", said a long retired Busch Gardens trainer who had only been accidentally attacked 4 times. He continued, "We could have never guessed that a second wild Orca is terrorizing the Pacific Northwest Salmon population in some sort of sick copycat crime. Our worst fear is that other Orcas from within Puffy Face's pod might acquire some of the same behavior".

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN)
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Monday, April 5, 2010

Mythical Chupacabra Revealed To Be Fergie

Husband Duhamel Blames Alcoholism For Not Connecting Dots Sooner/Marrying Butterface .

Hollywood, CA (CHN): Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for 6 years at a cost of 8.2 million dollars to county taxpayers. The elusive Chupacabre (Spanish origin nickname meaning 'goat sucker') has been feared by farmers, children, and back up dancers for far too long according to Mayeda.

The daring capture of the bloodthirsty pop star should finally bring an 'end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin America'. The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.

The killing and mutilation of both domestic and wild fauna had puzzled biologists for decades.

Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually a literal lone wolf.

Rumors had swirled for years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra because of dental records and the fact that Ferguson checked herself into a treatment center for the ritualistic stalking and murder of warm blooded creatures by means of 'exsanguination' (death from bleeding out) . Remaining doubters have been directed by Animal Control to read the Wikipedia description of the murderous beast which makes the case against Fergie airtight:

"... a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

Animal Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare." Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when considering LA County's other investments in capturing Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster. Those hunts have yielded no return to date despite very promising leads at Queen Latifah's estate."

The Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the stereotypical racial balance that America demands."

*** The Comedy Hub Network (CHN) ***
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Sunday, April 4, 2010

Alexa and Compete Confirm The Comedy Hub (CHN) As One of The Top Comedy Sites in America!!

Thank you to those who were with us from the start!!!

Here are the latest rankings that now have put The Comedy Hub Network into the TOP 10 Comedy Websites for the first time ever. Congratulations to the staff and writers at The Comedy Hub!!

1 |
1,898,276 - Inbound Links | 3,144,887 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 5,600,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 528 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 7
10 Most Popular Funny Websites| Updated 4/2/2010 |

2 |
450,495 - Inbound Links | 2,493,788 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 3,500,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 2,589 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 6
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

3 |
15,563,685 - Inbound Links | 1,466,754 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 3,100,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 956 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 7
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

4 |
3,588,261 - Inbound Links | 1,663,886 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 3,000,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 1,673 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 7
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

5 |
1,132,939 - Inbound Links | 1,355,288 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 2,200,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 734 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 6
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

6 |
999,578 - Inbound Links | 1,386,112 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 2,800,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 2,547 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 7
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

7 |
997,177 - Inbound Links | 1,082,601 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 2,000,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 1,509 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 7
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

8 |
417,805 - Inbound Links | 1,732,448 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 1,600,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 4,094 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 6
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

9 |
2,338,758 - Inbound Links | 1,373,307 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 880,000 - Quantcast Monthly Visitors | 3,899 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 7
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

10 |
304,000 - Inbound Links | 995,574 - Compete Monthly Visitors | 704,000 - Quantcast
Monthly Visitors | 5,201 - Alexa Ranking. | Page Rank: 8
10 Most Popular Funny Websites | Updated 4/2/2010 |

LA Resident: 'I Told You We Were Due For An Earthquake'

Local Mail Carrier Predicts SoCal Quake With Uncanny Accuracy
by: Erica Bianco, 11:35 am PST
CHN Disaster Center and Chief Sommelier

Marina Del Rey- Bill Parsons has been warning neighbors and friends for the past 10 years about his belief that 'we are just about due for another earthquake'. After this afternoon's 7.2 quake centered in Baja California, Mr. Parsons has a lot of 'I told ya so's to hand out. He will do that Monday morning along with his Route 16e mail route that he has been servicing for the past 36 years.

"I wouldn't say that I warn people on a daily basis about the next quake", Parsons admits, "but damn close to it". Parson's study of plate tectonics is not the result of any formal education or research; instead Parsons describes his ability to forecast random events with random accuracy as a 'combination of street smarts and a tingle in his left elbow'.

"The elbow is the main thing; it's been sore for 10 years... I am sorry to say that all indications point to another quake in the very near future", warns Parsons.

Some Route 16e mail customers are not convinced or happy about Parson's warnings that can be found on his blog:

Tim Schofield is one of Parsons many daily stops, "He comes in here every day, year after year, claiming that the Cubs will definitely do it this year or today may be the day that we find the WMD's" says Schofield, "I'm so sick of his bullshit I want to hit him over the head with a shovel. But this time that son of a bitch nailed it; he was dead right about this earthquake that he has been warning us about for the past 106 straight months".

Parson's recent success in earthquake forecasting has drawn some additional attention to the rest of his 2010 picks. He is certain that Obama was born in Kenya, that the Chinamen rigged the Olympic Games, and that LA Sparks forward Candice Parker is a lesbian. He has also recently confirmed that he didn't give Ricky Martin the time of day before or after he went fruity.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Funny or Die Exclusive Video: Aids Is Cured

The fight against AIDS has been a long haul and dagnabbit we are going to cure it one of these days... but are all of us we ready?? Are we making a bed that we can't bare to sleep in? So here you go, another exclusive video:

AIDS: We Did It!

Be careful what you wish for.

Naming Your Fetus; It's All The Rage

CHN Editorial Board Presents:
Fetus Names 2010

Those with child are most likely well aware of the fetus naming craze. It has been decided by modern society that it is easier to discuss the 'baby to be' by designating an actual name for 'it' even if you have not decided on the real 'human' name.

Here are the most popular fetus names of 2010 according to respondents in our latest CHN telephone poll.
(results are exactly 3% erroneous)

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