Thursday, July 24, 2008

Kansas and Nebraska Move Forward With Joint Secession plan

by: Jim Stuart 1:00pm EST
Midwest Correspondent

The United States of America lost two members Wednesday morning as Kansas and Nebraska shocked the Union with the announcement that they would jointly secede and become a sovereign nation. The move comes at a time when the remaining 48 states are ill prepared for the possibility of a military standoff against the newly formed two state alliance.

With heavy numbers of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan the President may not have the firepower he needs to wage a protracted civil war against the now sovereign nation of "Kansaska" (the name Nebrasas was dropped from contention because it sounded too stupid).

"We are not worried about the possibility of attack from other states, mostly because we are surrounded by a bunch of pussies like Missouri, South Dakota, and Oklahoma" admits newly sworn in President and former Topeka Mayor Bill Bunten.

Neither state has made national news since the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854 that essentially repealed the Missouri Compromise of 1820. "Our states proved during their infancy that we could work together and guess what - now we are all grows up and ready to rumble" reported Kansaska Military Czar Helen Hucklesmith, a former one star general in the U.S. Air Force.

Hucklesmith currently controls a combined National Guard troop level of 27,000 Air and Army Guardsmen not to mention many impressive alums of Nebraska Cornhusker football fame, certainly enough to make it a mid-level superpower in the North Central Midwest.

As Condaleeza Rice scrambled to put together a negotiation team to deal with the surprise rebellion a thesis was beginning to develop as to why the alliance was built and why secession was necessary.

Recently the Democratic National Committee picked Denver for the site of the 2008 national convention snubbing both Wichita and Omaha. The selection seemed to be the final straw for two states desperate to be noticed. "Our basketball team just pulled off an amazing comeback victory against Memphis this year; we sat and watched with mouths agape as the New York Giants won the Espy for best comeback victory.... what would your reaction be?" argued Jayhawk head coach Bill Self.

Although the national news networks have had no presence in either state for the past 200 years many Americans have flown over the area during travel between relevant states. Travelers are now reporting a possible troop build-up along the Iowa border. "We know they want access to the Mississippi River" reported Iowa Governor Chet Culver, "I don't think we can stop them" he added.

Should Kansaska gain control of the Mississippi they will usurp strategic control of the entire Midwest giving them the ability to stop goods in transit and the water itself between Canada and the Gulf of Mexico. Kansas State Professor Rajib Solomen has stated publicly that by stopping the flow of the Mississippi that they can drain the Gulf of Mexico in just 3 weeks. "They are essentially putting a noose around North America that could be impossible to release" announced Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper during an emergency cabinet meeting.

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