Friday, October 26, 2012

Local School Board Breaks Ground, Builds School In One Day

Construction Workers Stood By In Awe As Office Bureaucrats Pulled Off Full Completion In 10 Hours

The 10 Member Team Is Presumably The First Group To Ever Build A School With Gold Shovels

Rochester, NH (CHN) - What was slated to be a simple groundbreaking quickly turned into the completion of a 184,000 square foot elementary school this past Friday. The project followed years of harsh criticism from both parents and teachers that the school board was 'out of touch' and 'not getting resources to the classroom'. 

The construction of the school was slated to take 8 months with a budget of 56 million dollars.  The original plans called for 11 classrooms, cafeteria, offices, and ball fields. Inspectors have now realized that the school board was able to add a gymnasium to the site just by re-using basic construction scraps and items from the County bone-yard. 

The board tried to finish by lunchtime since it was Friday
"We hadn't really talked about it ahead of time," says 4th year board member and retired administrator Cheryl Rice. Looking back Cheryl believes that "once we got started with that first shovel full of dirt we all just looked at each and took that second shovel full.  

Then we took a look at the plan sheets and realized that we were shoveling in the wrong spot... so, we just started following the plan I guess".

"Getting the material to the site was a real burden," added longtime board member Doug Rogers who lost his left arm during a construction accident in hour 4. He admits, "We had our challenges, I never knew that steel reinforced concrete weighed so much for one thing".

On a sad note, Superintendent Ray Bradburn was unable to get the red tape for the ribbon cutting which will postpone the first day of school for several months.  Bradburn did take the time to explain to parents that there is a ribbon factory shutdown in China. 


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sec'y State Clinton Takes Full Responsibility For Killing Chris Stevens With Her Bare Hands

Says She Killed The Ambassador and 3 Others Just For The 'Sure Thrill' 

Lima, Peru (CHN) - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she takes 'full responsibility' for security at the American diplomatic outpost in Benghazi, Libya, where Ambassador Christopher Stevens and three other Americans died in what was believed to be a terrorist attack last month.

"I take the responsibility," Mrs. Clinton said while answering questions during a stop in Lima. "I'm the Secretary of State with 60,000-plus employees around the world. 

This is like a big family…It's painful, absolutely painful that I would ever attack and kill any of them in cold blood like I did in Benghazi".

On Monday, she told television interviewers that while she has no remorse whatsoever, she does indeed accept 'full blame'. She added that security at America's diplomatic missions overseas, as well as restraining her own desire to commit murder at or near them, is her job alone; not that of the White House. 

Her comments come as Republicans, including presidential candidate Mitt Romney, criticize the Obama administration for its handling of the security prior to the attack and its explanations afterward.

She spoke in advance of the second presidential debate, which will occur Tuesday night. Both security arrangements in Benghazi and the administration's differing explanations of whether the attack was the result of mob violence caused by an anti-Muslim video or a calculated terrorist strike were the subject of disagreement in last week's debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan, the GOP vice presidential nominee.

The Secretary has now put both claims to rest as she says that the video had no bearing on her decision to attack and murder the four Americans.  "It's good to set the facts straight, especially now that I have all of the intelligence of exactly how I pulled this off," said Clinton.  "I have to assure the American people that the President and Mr. Biden had absolutely no idea that I was capable of such a well-calculated, albeit vicious, terrorist attack on four truly heroic Americans." 

She continued, "Watching them plead for their lives, I realized exactly how dedicated these men were to the cause that all of us hold so dear". 

Clinton said that she was unscathed in her daring attack on the U.S. Embassy
Administration officials are hopeful that Clinton's admission will relieve pressure from the President who could not possibly have known that the 64 year old Secretary of State was capable of the brazen heavy artillery attackThe State Department acknowleged the sophistication of an operation that perfectly mimicked a well planned 350 man al-Qaeda maneuver; exactly the type that Stevens had requested additional security to thwart in the days before his death on September 11th.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Manning Still Struggling With The Pressure Of Being Denver's First Openly Gay QB

Broncos Players Finally Getting A Taste Of The Real Manning

(CHN_Sports) - At 2-3, Denver has not looked quite like the elite squad John Elway envisioned when he signed the future gay Hall of Famer this past off-season. There have been issues with the running game, as well as along the defensive line and in the secondary.  However, the Broncos do play in one of the weakest divisions in football, the AFC West, and they have a favorable schedule moving forward.  

Manning Tenderly Lines Under Center On Sunday
Consider for a second the teams that have beaten Denver thus far. The Atlanta Falcons, Houston Texans and New England Patriots have a combined record of 13-2 and they all have heterosexual quarterbacks with the exception of closeted gay Tom Brady.  

"I know it is 2012, but there is still a big difference between being privately gay on your own time versus the full fledged in your face queer like Manning has chosen to do," explained Elway.

"Manning is a gay trendsetter and he is pushing the limits of what it means to be gay in the workplace," says full back Chris Gronkowski.  Gronkowski added, "I see the way the defense looks at him, and although a lot of guys really want to punish him for being so gay, I mean, the fact of the matter is that a lot of linebackers just don't want to get gay juice on them".

Denver did not exactly emerge unscathed from the grueling first third of the season, but at 2-3, the Broncos have now had time to become a cohesive unit behind the veteran queer quarterback and most analysts believe that the Broncos should contend for the playoffs.  

It may have been ludicrous to expect Peyton Manning to dominate from Week 1 this season. Even the greatest straight quarterbacks need time to adjust to new offensive schemes and the weapons around him.  Manning has taken on those challenges all the while giving extra attention to detail needed to limp-wrist every throw and call play counts entirely in a tenor pitch.

Coach John Fox sees it differently, "Peyton spent the better part of two decades unsuccessfully trying to mimic what a straight quarterback would act like.  Now he just has to let it all hang out, just be himself and unlearn all of those completely unsuccessful 'tough guy' mannerisms... Come on, who was he foolin".  

Manning has thrown upwards of 300 yards in each of the Broncos' last three games and tossed eight touchdowns in that time frame. By that measure, the former Colt might be off to a successful gay tenure in Denver.

"We are just going to continue to be strong," implied wife Ashley Manning.  "It's been a roller-coaster to be sure.  I think that the moment Peyton explained once and for all exactly how that neck injury occurred and the fact that he kept re-injuring it, lets face it, it was time to be real".

The Broncos are looking ahead to a favorable upcoming schedule with the Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders and Kansas City Chiefs (x2).  Manning may be 36 years old and nearing the end of his illustrious homosexual career, but the coaching staff believes that there is more than enough gas left in the ole faggot tank to lead Denver to the postseason.

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