Thursday, September 27, 2012

Netanyahu Bomb Drawing Explodes In Theory; Hypothetically Killing 84

Updated at 6:02 p.m. ET  (CHN) UNITED NATIONS - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu warned Thursday that Iran will have enough enriched uranium to make a nuclear bomb by next summer and urged the world to draw a clear "red line".  The Prime Minister's call to action was greeted with an uneasy silence as key diplomats from around the world watched in horror as Netanyahu's shaky hand lost grip on the red magic marker which instantly detonated the one dimensional 'TNT' type cartoon bomb.

Moments earlier, saying it was getting "late, very late" to stop Iran; Netanyahu had removed the 'TNT' laden device from a large "ACME' labelled box with the intention of outlining the progress Iran has made toward creating a Warner Brothers 1985 era Wile E. Coyote bomb. 

The Israeli prime minister had opened comments by stating that "Red lines don't lead to war, red lines prevent war ... nothing could imperil the world more than a nuclear-armed Iran."

Survivors of the blast are said to have completely blackened skin and are only distinguishable from the dead by their blinking white eyes instead of 'simple X's'.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Millions Protest Video Depicting Criticism Of NFL Replacement Refs

Roger Goodell Refusing Comment As Middle East Tensions Continue To Rise In MNF Aftermath

Cairo, Egypt (CHN) -  Huge waves of protests filled Egyptian streets Tuesday, just hours after an American video laced with inflammatory remarks reached the internet.  Egypt, a country with a long standing history of supporting replacement NFL referees, had been enjoying their first 'all replacement ref' NFL season through week 3.  However, the fevered pitch of criticism against the temporary NFL officials has culminated in an all out war from American fans and media who are demanding that an end to the debauchery of the NFL Rulebook. 

Armed Militants, Mostly Dressed In Chicago Blackhawk Colors Rallied in Cairo, Egypt Tuesday

Many in the Middle East, with Israel as the exception, have been steadfast in their support of the replacement officials as the NFL lockout continues over pension and other tenure related battles between the owners and the union.

"The Packers DB's should have batted the ball away; what coach has ever taught these shorter DB's to try and out-catch a receiver with no time left on the clock; its absurd," chanted thousands in unison.


Apple Execs: No Knowledge Of How Steve Jobs Uploaded His Soul Into iOS 6

Apple Founder Reportedly Mutated Into iCloud Shortly Before Death

Above, Steve Jobs shown in a creepy 2009 file photo
Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - According to the Santa Clara County Coroner's report Steve Jobs died on October 11th, 2011 from complications related to pancreatic cancer.  According to thousands of reports from the newly downloaded iOS 6 software users, Steve Jobs has manipulated the ascension of the human soul trajectory from Heaven (as we know it) to the Apple iCloud computing and storage system where he successfully transcended the former limits of human life function.  

Gizmodo's Harry Sawyers says that he "always believed it was a strange coincidence that the iCloud was introduced shortly after Job's passing".  Sawyers was compelled to admit, "I never could have guessed at the now presumed circumstances whereas Jobs faked his own death a few hours before his real death; doing so in order to have precisely enough time to digitally synchronize and upload his eternal soul to a cloud based omni-transponding worldwide network before his human based life ended."  

Jobs So-Called Final Resting Place Was Later Found To Be 
A Complicated Grid Of Brain Synthesizing And Upload Equipment

But not all Apple users are excited with the news that Jobs has begun showing up through different iOS medians in extremely integrated and personal ways.  University of Rutgers co-ed Sarah Vandalay reported one of many unusual connections with the previously deceased Jobs,  "So there I was having Facetime sex with my boyfriend and Steve Jobs face kept appearing over his face; I was freaked out man".  She adds, "It was nearly impossible to finish because he kept saying something about the 'NeXT Computer may have died but I never will'... it was creepy, super creepy". 

Apple developers have been privately struggling for months with unusual comments made by Siri; especially in regard to Apple Co-founder Steve Wozniak's back hair.  

"It's been frustrating", admitted 3rd year Apple software development manager Telfor Albaz.  "But it all makes sense now", says Albaz who shuffled several times in his seat before relenting that, "We really never figured out how we were going to replace the Google Maps Ap with our own 'vector based graphic system'. But we kept getting internal emails from people who didn't seem to work here that basically said 'Just fuck Google, fuck those copycat assholes and just delete their map system off people phones". 

As answers slowly come in as to how Mr. Jobs pulled off his human to digital transition, more questions have emerged as to just what Jobs has already done and what he might do.  An anonymous State Department official told CHN that "there are some things we can do to slow Jobs takeover of the earth and eventually the universe.  However, we have to be careful and very mindful that everything we say and do is heard and controlled by Mr. Jobs.  In fact, my voice on this phone call could be Steve using a simple voice synthesis driver that came free on the original iMac.  I'll just say this, The so-called 'Arab Spring'... that was Jobs.  


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Pippa Middleton Begs Press Not To Photograph Her During Naked Press Conference

Individually Begs 100's Of Newspapers Not To Publish Anything From The CD-Rom They've Been Given

Slut Pippa Middleton In A  2011 File Photo

London (CHN) - Pippa Middleton, the girl with the ass that bent over a lot at the Royal Wedding of Kate and William, is back in the news tonight following vague reports of her grandiose attempts to also avoid nude publication in several European newspapers.  

Princess Kate Middleton, who has a cute face, will reportedly have 100's of topless photos available for all to see on public newsstands later this week.  

The scandal, which has rocked the Royal Family, has riled the Queen to no end according to insiders at Buckingham Palace.  

Pippa addressed a handful of reporters Sunday, pleading with them not to photograph or provide any type of artist's rendering of her fully naked body; especially not in a 'downward dog yoga pose'.  

She also urged the press to reconsider publishing any images of her beloved Kate, saying only "Can you imagine the pain and embarrassment of having men across the world look at your exposed body with pure lust".  

Pippa closed the briefing by disclosing that she would also be very upset to see pictures of her naked body doctored so that her face looked way cuter.


Kim Kardashian Furious That God Green-Lighted 'Look Like Your Soul Day'

"This is fucking bullshit", said Kardashian from an undisclosed location
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