Friday, September 11, 2009

The Best Craigs List Personal Ad and Answer.... EVER.

This Personal Ad Appeared On CRAIG'S LIST (www.craigslist.com):

What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that
a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm
overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I
am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to
her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing
to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous
girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out?
Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE
ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way.
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about
it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to
match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home
and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill;
that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be
getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot
for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to
go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as
simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I
wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe
that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found
you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we
wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease,
let me know.

(Now that is how you answer a personal ad)

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

TFLN: Texts From Last Night - What is it?? BTW this is NSFW....


TFLN, a CHN contributer, has been getting a lot of attention lately. What is it that they do? Nothing really other than publish the best real life text messages that originated from... well, from last night I guess. Here is the All Time Best from 'Texts From Last Night':

Best nights of all time

(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
(703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
(312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
(617): I would do horrible things to your vagina.
(978): Prove it.
(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.
(321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score


TFLN can be found in the RSS feed here at CHN on the right side of the page. Keep Textin' Yo.

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