Saturday, August 30, 2008

Shawn Johnson and Her Taco. You Can't Make This Up

You have to give the marketing team at Ortega some real credit for this:

Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain Selects Cute High School Chick For VP

by: Chesapeak Smith 2:35 PM EST
Comedy Hub Political Analist

Just hours after Barack Obama accepted his party's nomination in Denver's jam packed Invesco Field; John McCain has shocked the political world by asking 17 year old Sarah Palin to campaign with him until Barrack Obama becomes president next November.

Ms. Palin will have to miss Senior Prom while on the campaign trail; but admits that such a sacrifice is well worth it;

"I got a text on my Iphone during Algebra 2 and totally couldn't believe it" admits Palin; "I flicked my friend Skyler in the ear and whispered 'gramps picked me for VP... wooo hoooo'.

The celebration was short lived however, as course instructor Mr. Hargrove caught the girls talking and wrote them up.

Palin will join the campaign officially after serving (1) 45 minute detention. Republicans are betting that Palin's youth and bubbly personality will be a hit on the campaign trail.

In an email to the media McCain admitted that Palin has little experience outside of Junior Class Treasurer and no business in the Oval Office, but neither does Mr. Obama.

"Really I'm just trying to mock him; more importantly this girl is really cute and it's been a long campaign to say the least" concluded McCain.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Summer of Tears: "Teen Wolf". Lord have mercy this is funny

Spotted this as one of Will Ferrell's top picks over at Funny or Die. This has to be what video on the net was meant to be. Incredible.

This video is sponsored by The Plastico; It's a LA Joint

Monday, August 25, 2008

Clinton shocks on Convention Eve; Chooses Biden as her VP

by: Evan Lieberman; 4:00 AM EST
Comedy Hub Vice Presidential Liaison

Hillary Clinton made a surprise announcement early Monday morning and chose her Vice Presidential running mate at a time that few if any suspected. The announcement was made to a handful of supporters who accepted Clinton's 3:30 Am Skype call from her New York home.

Supporters say that Clinton's slurred speech and repetitive complaints that she was "so cold; who is monitoring the furnace" did not distract from her clear and direct message: Delaware Senator Joe Biden will be her choice for VP.

Biden, who accepted Barrack Obama's Vice Presidential request just this past Saturday may find himself in an excellent position to negotiate with John McCain for the third and final Vice Presidential opening. Although McCain has not officially tipped his hat as of yet, analysts have suggested in droves that a choice other than Biden will give him a competitive disadvantage over his Democratic rivals heading into the crucial national conventions.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Just now from "The Plastico"

LA Angels of Anaheim Eyeing new name for 2009

by: Mike Briano, 6:35 PM PST
Plastico Sports Editor

Unsupported rumors have been swirling for months and now the news has finally gained substantiation that the LA Angels will likely change their name prior to the 2009 season. Disgruntled former first baseman Casey Kotchman disclosed the details to an Atlanta Constitution reporter this Tuesday.

The Angels have represented many geographic areas since their 1961 debut as the "Los Angeles Angels". In 1965 the Angels decided to represent the entire State of California and did so until Disney took control in 1997. Disney, desperate to break ground on a new city called "Anaheim", used the nickname "Anaheim Angels" to draw media attention to Orange County which would not gain national attention until the debut of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" nearly 10 years later.

The real change came in 2005 when owner Art Moreno, a wealthy marketing guru, was able to parlay the old Anaheim Angels name into the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim". This is the first known dual city team in any sport throughout human history; this is likely because it is impossible to represent two home cities unless your team is run by a marketing whore.

Moreno's newest scheme is far more ambitious. It is now confirmed that on opening day 2009 the Angels will take the field as the Brooklyn Angels of Los Angeles, making them the first bi-coastal sports team to ever take the diamond. An anonymous source within the Angels front office offered the following comment:
"Brooklyn has been clamoring for a baseball team since the Dodgers broke their heart in 1957; it's time that someone reaches out to them and their increasingly wealthy fan base; we have proven that we need no physical presence in a city whatsoever to draw on its rich baseball viewing resources"

In other team notes the Angels have retired the number of Orel Hershiser despite his never pitching an inning for the club; additionally they have named Sandy Koufax their favorite Jew baseball player of the 20th century.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Adult Film Industry Can't Ignore "Offshore Drilling" Cliche Opportunities

by: Adriana Lima 1:56pm EST
Comedy Hub Analist

With crude oil prices still near record highs the discussion about methods to increase domestic production have taken center stage both with Congressional lawmakers and hardcore porn producers.

"We haven't seen an opportunity like this since the Watergate Scandal that made 'deepthroat' a household name and sex act", noted Adam and Eve Director of Marketing Andrew Tindal. Tindal continued, "This news cycle could usher in a golden era for adult film if we can cash in on a plethora of new available cliches... we understand that future opportunities exist in solar and wind but in the short run it is oil that will keep our industry fucking at full capacity ".

Mr. Tindal is referring to the flood of available catchy titles that are being generated from the debate about re-opening America's coastal regions for offshore oil drilling. The first round of Oil/Porn collaborative discussions have netted the following titles:

ANWAR; the oral exploration for liquid energy

Untapped Reserve, Finding the Glory Hole.
Deepwater Drilling for Cash
The Gulf's Biggest Rig
Bangin Sheiks
Cleaning the Pipes; Maintenance on the High Seas
Shipping A Full Load; Destination Asia
The Barely Legal Viability of America's Shale Oil (soft core)
Crude, Black, Explosive Liquid; 'In your face'
Alternative Energy, One Man's Pursuit of Truth (Gay)
The Anal Seduction of T. Boone Pickins (Gay/Orgy)
Natural Gas; Harnessing The Cleveland Steamer
Lubricant Adventures

Executives at both Exxon and Chevron have said off the record that the Adult Film Title opportunities during the current oil crisis can't be ignored. Filming will likely shut down 15-20% of domestic oil operations in the Gulf of Mexico and perhaps up to 40% of the Rocky Mountain Shale production which has consumers angry in the short run and cautiously optimistic for next seasons adult releases.

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