Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms To Extend Jurisdiction to 'Hoe Bags'

Department Elongates Acronym For The First Time In 42 Years
by: Clarence Allito, CHN White House Stuff, 6:00 AM EST

Washington: It's the Federal Governments toughest judicial branch and its job is to regulate and prevent a host of legal and illegal consumables and weapons from creating havoc on our streets. Originally created in 1886 under the U.S Treasury, the department has changed little save for the 1968 Gun Control Act that gave the Agency its current call sign - 'ATF'.

According to Acting Director Kenneth E. Melson, "Times Change". "There has been a scourge of slut, both legal and contraband, tearing down the very fabric of this country" asserted Melson. Although officials in the Administration were downplaying the new role of the Bureau, Press Secretary Robert Gates was overheard telling Attorney General Eric Holder that loose women were to blame for Scott Brown's upset win in Massachusetts along with a host of other first year hick-ups suffered by the White House.

Department of Justice officials apparently debated for weeks on how best to include oversight of traditional 'pay for play' hookers with today's basic office whore. In the end 'Hoe Bag' was the only term that seemed to cover every occurrence.

Resistance has been minimal as most hoe bags are wary about going public to support their sisters for fear of retribution from competitive groups such as cock teasers, fatties, and stay at home MILFs. But that hasn't stopped a few leading skanks from coming forward to oppose any and all new regulation. Madonna, Paris Hilton, and the estate of Anna Nicole Smith are leading a small but vocal faction of current and expired muff bait that legislators will come to blows with over the proposed girth increase at the ATF (to ATF&HB).

"We know that monthly office blow jobs are good for roughly a 10% pay increase and bi-annual promotions in the service economy", said the re-nominated ATF&HB Deputy Director Bill Hoover. He concludes that "with the help of Congress we believe that our agency has the capability to reduce the so called 'Lewinsky effect' to 10 additional sick days and petty cash payouts for knee pads. At that point the average office harlot would have to reconsider any advantage she is getting over her male peers".

Others are not certain that the department can make a difference. Ed Stevens, a human resource manager for a Fortune 500 company is a skeptic. "Today's working girl no longer has to take to the streets. In fact, here in my department alone we have six girls who gave up lucrative liaisons with Tiger Woods in order to get a classier gig... I just don't see that changing", said Stevens with shoulders overtly shrugged and an awkward smile that slowly grew into a full brimmed grin before being overpowered with a forced look of concern and regret.

Final passage of any strumpet based legislation is just one of many causes for concern for Republicans who oppose President Obama's 2011 budget proposal. GOP Senator, Judd Gregg, believes that a steady influx of 'cunt rags' now represent a far greater risk to the American people and is calling for a filibuster to see that the issue is debated on the floor. Nancy Pelosi has confirmed an earlier story that she will take a leave of absence during Congressional debate due to an obvious and substantial conflict of interest.

Obama OK’s Unmerciful Beatings of Military Gays

‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’ reversal to encourage gays out of the closet and into a life of tortured harassment
by: Amanda Westgate, Capitol Hill, 7:45 PM EST,

Washington: Just days after President Obama's first State of The Union address, gays and lesbian members of the armed forces are preparing to comply with the administrations request to serve openly. Those most supportive of the policy reversal are gays who have a fetish for being savagely beaten by their straight military brethren. Many of them have already begun gathering in a Facebook group: “I'm gay and strangely in favor of being physically beaten by my coworkers”. The group has inspired other traditionally ignored groups such as: ‘Autoworkers against safe working conditions' and ‘Pro Choice Fetuses’ into real hope that they too will finally receive support from Washington.

For some it's already far too late. Ninety-two year old Young Chow was a Chinese Railroad worker who wanted to be forced to work 18 hour days instead of the customary 16 hours. “The Railroad has already been built, my chance to work for years even closer to the edge of death are now just a faint memory. Today’s military gays deserve better", says Chow, "They have earned the opportunity to be harassed, molested with broom sticks, passed for promotion, and regularly concussed for bringing their personal sexual preferences into the workplace. Every day that we wait, another closeted military retiree leaves the service without ever having 'Butt Fucker' or 'Cum Bucket' carved into their locker, desk, or forehead".

But Obama has a different take on the breakthrough legislation and implored Congress to move quickly on the policy change. His recent conference call to the Joint Chiefs of Staff indicated dynamic support:

“Lets look at it this way; recently one of the former stars of TV’s M*A*S*H* (David Ogden Stiers) came out of the closet. Now imagine what the writers of that show could have done with Stiers stoic, brash character ‘Charles Winchester’ in regard to dealing with the ‘supposedly’ openly gay character of ‘Klinger’. I'm envisioning a scene whereas Klinger, dressed in a ballroom dress, approaches Winchester during a delicate open heart surgery and asks him to dance. What would Radar say if he walked in just at the moment Klinger and Winchester initiated the waltz? I mean – I don’t know what he would say, but I think we could have squeezed out one more season with that sort of paradigm shift. I want that for today's soldiers and writers. I want that for America.”

Chief of Naval Operations, Gary Roughead, responded to the change of policy: “We don’t really train our young men and women to give basic street breakdowns, but this policy should provide a teachable moment for us to get more involved with the concept".

For many military gays it is unclear which steps should be taken to notify their combat trained and generally bigoted coworkers about their sexual preferences. “Those concerns will quickly be dealt with” said a senior White House official directly appointed by the President to help gays act gay at work. Aside from the new pink covers for men and WNBA logos for women, the 2011 official military handbooks will include revamped sections dealing with trench warfare, breaking the ice during group showers, and fruity topics of conversations in submarines.

With the help of Ann Dunwoody, the nations first 4-star female general, the LPGA and US Olympic Softball Teams have sponsored mixers with military recruiters who believe that bull dykes are an untapped reservoir of military talent.

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Vegas Waitress Jeopardized Valued 'Friends w/ Benefits' Relationship for Sleazy Pro-Golfer

Jamie Jungers Finally Admits Tiger Woods Transgressions to Booty Call Partner
by: Mike Briano, CHN Sports and Fitness, December18, 2009 7:30 AM EST.

Las Vegas: After nearly 3 weeks of speculation and a firestorm of rumors, Jamie Jungers has finally released a statement on her Myspace page regarding a possible relationship with golfer Tiger Woods. Ms. Jungers, hoping to keep her $8.85 per hour / 36 hours a week gig at the Binions Horseshoe Casino Buffet, asked for privacy and forgiveness:

"I'm sorry for doing slutty stuff with golfers, can I ask that everyone leave me be please and that whataver [sic] foreign bitch keeps calling me to stop calling bc I'm over the 300 minute limit on my cricket"

But the status update only led to further accusations and a total breakdown of trust for semi- monogamous partner Skip Sarducci, who has had a strong relationship with Jungers since 2006 when Jungers posted an add on Craig's List to sell her broken microwave.

The two hit it off and outside sources have indicated that the two have been having mostly consensual sex ever since.

But all of that security is now in jeopardy with Sarducci having strong reason to believe that Tiger was not the only PGA romance that Jungers had pursued. Bystanders in the Binions parking lot last Wednesday night describe a loud and violent standoff between Sarducci and Jungers.

Sarducci apparently lost it after reading that Jungers had spent three days with Vijah Singh just after Thanksgiving. Sarducci has been accused of taking Junger's work apron and order tablet and using them to protect his hand while he punched out the remaining two windows on her 92' Tercel. Jungers later told Las Vegas police that the windows had to be broken to save a lost kitten that had jumped in through the missing sunroof; as of press time no charges have been filed.

Binions has already removed Jungers namesake and picture from it's 2008 employee of the month dry erase board located in the break room between the loading doc and kitchen. Twenty-four hour buffet officials are refusing any further comments, however, night staff manager Mitch Reed said that it is unclear if Jungers still represents the wholesome image that casino buffets 'strive for'.

Disgruntled partner Skip Sarducci claims that he always trusted Jungers and never imagined that 9 other sleazy golfers would step forward one by one to claim affairs with the girl that he assumed was only acting slutty around him.

"We had an agreement; we would bang every Tuesday and Thursday after her night shift and as long as both of us kept it just between us then we wouldn't have to use a jimmy hat". He continued, "Turns out she's been getting nailed by just about every top 20 PGA player in the world... including the ultra-annoying Padraig Harrington".

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The Folks at 'Summer of Tears' Have Done It Again...

So here you go thrillseekers:

Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America)

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Mythical Chupacabra Revealed To Be Fergie

Husband Duhamel Blames Alcoholism For Not Connecting Dots
Sooner.
by: Arianna Smith, CHN 'Weekend Review". 6:30 PM PST

Hollywood, CA:
Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for 6 years at a cost of nearly 8.2 million dollars to the county. The daring capture of the pop star should finally bring "an end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin America". The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.

The killing and mutilation of the animals across the Mid-America's has puzzled biologists for decades. The single connecting factor in the killings was 'exsanguination' or bleeding out of the victims, hence the Spanish origin nickname 'Chupacabre' (literal translation: 'goat sucker').

Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually pretty much a literal lone wolf.

It had been rumored for some years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra because of the beasts detailed description from witnesses and expert trackers. Wikipedia consolidated those descriptions to the following:

"... a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

Animal Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare." Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when considering that LA County's investments in capturing other Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster have yielded no return to date."

The Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the stereotypical racial balance that America demands."

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