Vegas Waitress Jeopardized Valued 'Friends w/ Benefits' Relationship for Sleazy Pro-Golfer

Jamie Jungers Finally Admits Tiger Woods Transgressions to Booty Call Partner
by: Mike Briano, CHN Sports and Fitness, December18, 2009 7:30 AM EST.

Las Vegas: After nearly 3 weeks of speculation and a firestorm of rumors, Jamie Jungers has finally released a statement on her Myspace page regarding a possible relationship with golfer Tiger Woods. Ms. Jungers, hoping to keep her $8.85 per hour / 36 hours a week gig at the Binions Horseshoe Casino Buffet, asked for privacy and forgiveness:

"I'm sorry for doing slutty stuff with golfers, can I ask that everyone leave me be please and that whataver [sic] foreign bitch keeps calling me to stop calling bc I'm over the 300 minute limit on my cricket"

But the status update only led to further accusations and a total breakdown of trust for semi- monogamous partner Skip Sarducci, who has had a strong relationship with Jungers since 2006 when Jungers posted an add on Craig's List to sell her broken microwave.

The two hit it off and outside sources have indicated that the two have been having mostly consensual sex ever since.

But all of that security is now in jeopardy with Sarducci having strong reason to believe that Tiger was not the only PGA romance that Jungers had pursued. Bystanders in the Binions parking lot last Wednesday night describe a loud and violent standoff between Sarducci and Jungers.

Sarducci apparently lost it after reading that Jungers had spent three days with Vijah Singh just after Thanksgiving. Sarducci has been accused of taking Junger's work apron and order tablet and using them to protect his hand while he punched out the remaining two windows on her 92' Tercel. Jungers later told Las Vegas police that the windows had to be broken to save a lost kitten that had jumped in through the missing sunroof; as of press time no charges have been filed.

Binions has already removed Jungers namesake and picture from it's 2008 employee of the month dry erase board located in the break room between the loading doc and kitchen. Twenty-four hour buffet officials are refusing any further comments, however, night staff manager Mitch Reed said that it is unclear if Jungers still represents the wholesome image that casino buffets 'strive for'.

Disgruntled partner Skip Sarducci claims that he always trusted Jungers and never imagined that 9 other sleazy golfers would step forward one by one to claim affairs with the girl that he assumed was only acting slutty around him.

"We had an agreement; we would bang every Tuesday and Thursday after her night shift and as long as both of us kept it just between us then we wouldn't have to use a jimmy hat". He continued, "Turns out she's been getting nailed by just about every top 20 PGA player in the world... including the ultra-annoying Padraig Harrington".

*** The Comedy Hub Network ***
Latest Release / CHN Archives

The Folks at 'Summer of Tears' Have Done It Again...

So here you go thrillseekers:

Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America)

Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America) -- powered by Cracked.com

Summer of Tears in connection with The Comedy Hub Network Video Series and Cracked.com

Mythical Chupacabra Revealed To Be Fergie

Husband Duhamel Blames Alcoholism For Not Connecting Dots
Sooner.
by: Arianna Smith, CHN 'Weekend Review". 6:30 PM PST

Hollywood, CA:
Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for 6 years at a cost of nearly 8.2 million dollars to the county. The daring capture of the pop star should finally bring "an end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin America". The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.

The killing and mutilation of the animals across the Mid-America's has puzzled biologists for decades. The single connecting factor in the killings was 'exsanguination' or bleeding out of the victims, hence the Spanish origin nickname 'Chupacabre' (literal translation: 'goat sucker').

Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually pretty much a literal lone wolf.

It had been rumored for some years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra because of the beasts detailed description from witnesses and expert trackers. Wikipedia consolidated those descriptions to the following:

"... a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

Animal Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare." Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when considering that LA County's investments in capturing other Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster have yielded no return to date."

The Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the stereotypical racial balance that America demands."

*** The Comedy Hub Network ***
Latest Release / CHN Archives

A Must Have for XMAS: "Cougar Barbie"

Cougar Barbie - 50th Anniversary - Watch more Funny Videos

America's Youth Wondering WTF Went Wrong With Eddie Murphy?

Nations Teens Shocked To Find Out Murphy Was Once A Bad-Ass
by: Kylee Strutt, CHN Hollywood Editor, 5:30 Pm EST

Evansville, IA: Sixteen year old Skyler Mathis stumbled upon what seemed to be some sort of alternate universe when she uncovered her parents old VHS collection. Most notable were the apparent Eddie Murphy movies '48 Hours', 'Trading Places', and 'Coming to America'. Mathis, thinking the movies were the typical 'G' rated garbage that she was accustomed to seeing Murphy in, put the movies on while she babysat 10 year old neighbor Mathew Gruden.

Young Mathew and babysitter Skyler had no idea that they were about to begin a six-hour adventure of raucous comedy, sexual fantasy, and edgy race baiting mischief.

"For years I have been bored to tears with movies like 'Shrek' and 'Daddy Day Care', said pre-teen Mathew. Now I realize that Eddie Murphy was once a hardcore S.O.B.... who woulda thought?"

Upon returning home Mathew's parents were put into the same awkward position that many of adults today face on a regular basis: How to explain what the fuck went wrong with Eddie Murphy's career. Dr. James Dobson of 'Focus on the Family' fame has dealt with the issue from parents from across the country and referred CHN to a press release from his website:

The degradation of Eddie Murphy's work as an A-list actor of fulfilling movies to a shit-can voice over artist and two bit kiddie flick pusher is a difficult topic for Christian families. The message however is increasingly clear: Engaging in promiscuous sexual behavior in the back seat of a car with drugged up tranny always results in one losing their sense of reality, dignity, and the most basic intrinsic professional value of right vs. wrong... I think 'The Haunted Mansion' is a good example, that really sucked.

For most families the transition of exposing children to an Eddie Murphy worth watching is shaky and unpredictable. Dobson recommends that "...the best method is an impromptu after school showing of Eddies 1987 Classic 'Raw'. The 46 uses of "motherfucker" should ease America's youngsters towards a reasonable understanding of what Eddie use to be for all of us.

*** The Comedy Hub Network ***

Latest Release / CHN Archives