Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Embattled Manziel Now Denying That He Gave Roadhead To Thousands Of I-45 Truckers

'Johnny Football' May Or May Not Have Committed NCAA Violations By Wearing His Texas A&M Uniform During The Sex Acts

2013 CHN.  Now uploading this type of shit to Instagram at #CHN_NewsBreak

Monday, May 6, 2013

How I Was Mentally Date Raped By Josh Nettles And The Staff Of Red Lobster

Is Abusive Conversation And Poor Service The Same As Unwanted Vaginal Penetration? Yes   
By CHN iReporter Darra Wilson

Like most modern women I have had a few failed relationships and have never dated a man beyond 3 weeks since grammar school.  One reason that I and many other modern women have struggled so mightily is that women today have achieved remarkable professional success that men simply do not want to hear about.  

Take me for example, I have been a successful CHN iReporter for 6 years now and have filed stories far and wide, mostly regarding slaughterhouse safety in the Tampa Bay areaScary for a man to hear about my work? Yes, I get it - women have broken into the boys club.  But my success does not mean that I should be date raped regularly, albeit mentally, every time I go out on the town. 

So when a local electrician named Josh Nettles takes me out to Red Lobster and jokes about me with the staff when I go to the bathroom, yes ma'am its certifiable rape.  Consider this iReport FILED: Josh Nettles and the staff at the Red Lobster on Ocean Ave are Rapers. 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Augusta National Has Last Laugh After Admitting One Quasi Asian Looking Lesbian Black Woman

Banter From Clubhouse Party Reportedly Included: "Now What, Yeah Beatch We Got It All Covered"

Monday, November 12, 2012

Broadwell Book May Contain Clever Secrets Regarding Petraeus Affair

Subtle Mention Of How Paula Broadwell "Fucked The Generals Brains Out," Went Largely Unnoticed 

Washington D.C. (CHN) - It's a scandal that Hollywood couldn't have dreamed of: sex, lies, and a tell all book that just may have held a few secrets of its own.  But just as America had tallied her election count and re-elected Barack Obama, another shoe fell in the Benghazi investigation.  This one, might just bring down some of the most powerful and trusted members of the CIA along with high level editors at The Penguin Group. 

The Original Working Title "Completely Inside Of My Vagina, And I mean All of It" Was Curiously Passed Over In The Final Edit

Broadwell's book, published earlier this year, took a candid look at General David Petraeus as he boldly applied techniques learned in Iraq to propel a similar surge in Afghanistan. 

Vernon Loeb, who edited much of the book, admits that he simply missed some obvious contextual evidence that something unprofessional may have occurred between Broadwell and the General.  Loeb points to the second page which he now believes "is a very subtle reference" to the affair.

"I met the general in his barracks and immediately noticed a rather becoming bulge in his camo pants.  I let my thong underwear fall to the dirt floor, almost as if God himself had stripped them from my well toned behind.  Afghanistan is a dry arid place, but nothing would stay dry in the Generals tent that night. We began by eating oysters by candlelight all the while discussing the IED burial techniques of rouge Pakistanis who had..."
Loeb says that he initially had felt that the passage was simply a hook for readers; however upon further digging, he noticed that 'Chapter 4: The Sexual Fucking Between me (Paula) and The General (David) Part I' may have been a red flag:
"Pet David, as I now knew him, surprised me in the women's latrine this morning.  He said that I needed to undergo a 'full inspection'.  First it was demanded that I drop and give him twenty.  Twenty then became forty and soon the two of us were counting every thrust from his 4 star cock into my supple but well muscled vagina as I burned through 300 fingertip pushups with help on every single fucking one of them..."
Other editors at The Penguin Group admitted that they just didn't read a word of it because of various assumptions that the book 'would suck' and was likely filled with 'military bullshit'.

Benghazi, Libya (above) during a 7 hour firefight on Sept. 11, 2012
With Petraeus now resigned from duty, Broadwell's book appears to be getting more and more attention from the mainstream media.  But conspiracy theorists are pointing towards another overlooked excerpt from the book, a passage that Broadwell's father has said is 'much to do about nothing'.  It reads:
The conference call came in from Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton around 7PM Local Time.  Dave and I were in hour three of 'little Mrs. Fuel Transport'  and he told me to just keep my trailer moving.  Mrs. Clinton, or 'Boner Killer' as Dave called her, said something about an upcoming plan to kill some of our folks over in Benghazi as a way to derail Mitt Romney's campaign.  I don't know that either of us cared what that bitch was talking about; we certainly never stopped 'delivering precious supplies to the boys below'.  We were fucking; fucking our way to victory.  Inch by inch the insurgency was taking its toll on the dark unguarded cave that was literally my vagina.  Make no mistake, David Patraeus and I were literally having sex and we had it every day for 6 months."

Friday, October 26, 2012

Local School Board Breaks Ground, Builds School In One Day

Construction Workers Stood By In Awe As Office Bureaucrats Pulled Off Full Completion In 10 Hours

The 10 Member Team Is Presumably The First Group To Ever Build A School With Gold Shovels

Rochester, NH (CHN) - What was slated to be a simple groundbreaking quickly turned into the completion of a 184,000 square foot elementary school this past Friday. The project followed years of harsh criticism from both parents and teachers that the school board was 'out of touch' and 'not getting resources to the classroom'. 

The construction of the school was slated to take 8 months with a budget of 56 million dollars.  The original plans called for 11 classrooms, cafeteria, offices, and ball fields. Inspectors have now realized that the school board was able to add a gymnasium to the site just by re-using basic construction scraps and items from the County bone-yard. 

The board tried to finish by lunchtime since it was Friday
"We hadn't really talked about it ahead of time," says 4th year board member and retired administrator Cheryl Rice. Looking back Cheryl believes that "once we got started with that first shovel full of dirt we all just looked at each and took that second shovel full.  

Then we took a look at the plan sheets and realized that we were shoveling in the wrong spot... so, we just started following the plan I guess".

"Getting the material to the site was a real burden," added longtime board member Doug Rogers who lost his left arm during a construction accident in hour 4. He admits, "We had our challenges, I never knew that steel reinforced concrete weighed so much for one thing".

On a sad note, Superintendent Ray Bradburn was unable to get the red tape for the ribbon cutting which will postpone the first day of school for several months.  Bradburn did take the time to explain to parents that there is a ribbon factory shutdown in China. 


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