Satan Demands SEC Investigation On Loophole Real Estate Scheme.
by: Donald Duetch, CHN New York Affiliate, 5:04 PM EST
Infamous Wall Street thief Bernie Madoff is currently under house arrest for defrauding investors of an estimated $50Billion following the disclosure of a massive worldwide ponzi scheme. Madoff's latest victim, the devil himself, is fuming after uncovering documents showing that Mr. Madoff has sold his reserved plot in the underworld for 126 million dollars to unsuspecting investors.
"I had set aside an especially warm spot, we call it the 'Auschwitz Adventure'", explained the Prince of Darkness during a 2 hour Skype Q and A with the New York Times this morning. "With the rough economy we have been forced to utilize staff on hand (Nazi's and such) to participate in some of our newest programs. Madoff would have been loaded, along with other the new members at the gates of hell, onto a train that heads directly to a "work camp". Long story short we burn them up in a huge oven... I don't want to give the rest away but it's a real hoot. The kicker is that you never die, you just keep boarding another train and getting burned up over and over again; we follow it up with a stop at the department of motor vehicles".
According to records found at Madoff Securities; Bernie was well aware of his eternal damnation and parlayed a credit default swap that essentially flipped his spot in the underworld for a series of high risk investments in purgatory.
"His long shot purchase of near junk rated purgatory bonds probably would have expired as worthless upon his death" admits Standard and Poors spokesman Russel Spalding. Spalding continued, "But then the TARP came in and changed everything; those 'out of the money' purgatory calls have appreciated beyond anyone's wildest expectations" thanks to Hank Paulson and U.S. Taxpayers.
"You win some and you lose some" admitted Satan. "Luckily, I work very closely with the Federal Reserve and U.S. Judicial System, so if there's a way to get this guy - I'll get him".
Satan also disclosed that with his current budget shortfall he has been unable to make his weekly meeting with Osama Bin Laden, and has sent new clients such as Rod Blagojevich directly to voicemail.